When does it suck to be "the guy"?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, so at about 4 am this morning, my home security system starts screeching, scaring the bejeezus (what does that mean, anyway?) out of me.

I jump out of bed to shut it off, and when I round the corner into the living room… I see my front door standing wide open.

I stood there, not knowing what the hell to do, then ran back into the bedroom and called my larger dog (who eyed me sleepily from her bed as if to say, “Can’t you do something about that racket? I thought that was what opposable thumbs were FOR!”) back out into the living room with me before tipping to the door, peering around outside, and closing it (after which I shut the alarm off).

Since there were no signs of forced entry (I feel so “Law & Order” when I say that), I’m assuming that I failed to shut the door all the way (but shut it enough for the alarm system to engage) before I went to bed, and the wind (which was, in fact, kickin’ when I approached the doorway) blew it open.

Surprisingly, I was able to get back to sleep within about half an hour of returning to bed, but not without wishing for a moment that I didn’t have to do so ALONE. :frowning:

In other words, WHERE’s that big burly hairy-chested fella, who loves me above all others and shares my bed, at a time like this?

Now, most of the time I love living alone. I get a tremendous amount of spoiled-kid satisfaction out of knowing that my house and everything in it are mine, mine, mine, and that I don’t have to consult anybody if I want to paint the kitchen red, or get a cat.

Last night, however, I felt differently.

THEN I thought about how much I would hate to BE the guy for whom I was wishing, to be the one who would have had to go charging into the living room sporting the bat-and-boxers combo, prepared to kick some ass to protect ME while I cowered in the bed, chewing on the dog’s ears. Granted, I find this scenario unpleasant because I’m a giant chicken-shit, but I’m sure there are a lot of other things you get stuck doing when you’re the guy–things not so life-threatening–which make me glad I’m NOT one!

(I can, of course, remember making ex-boyfriends perform many undesirable tasks–like getting the soggy dead mouse out of the bath house shower on a camping trip–that made them slightly resentful. Maybe this is why I’m single. :wink: )

As it is, I’m busy hoping that, even if I’m still sleeping alone the next time my alarm goes off, I at least have a boyfriend by the time one of my pets dies, so that I won’t have to be the one to deal with Animal Carcass. :frowning:

Anyway, fellas… is this just my own girlie point of view, or am I right about some of this stuff? Ladies, feel free to chime in, if you have Animal Carcass skills you’d like to share…:wink:

2

Are you kidding? We love doing that kinda shit. It’s one of the few things that validates our pathetic existences.

3

I had that happen many years ago when I was single. One night I woke up because I heard someone outside my door jiggling the knob. It was about 2:30 in the morning and no one else had a key to my apartment. Now this was a pretty small apartment and I could see the front door from the bedroom so I just sat there and waited. After a couple of minutes I heard someone say, “Fuck!” Then the apartment door next to mine opened and shut. Turns out my neighbor was just really drunk and went to the wrong door. :smiley:

4

Well, that, and an uncanny knack for parallel parking. :wink:

So I can call you when one of my animals kicks? :stuck_out_tongue:

5

I lived alone for the better part of 10 years, taking care of everything from chores to security to repairs. Then I got married and I guess I got lazy - I let my husband deal with the stuff that isn’t “fun” most of the time.

His protective instincts are very high, tho. We came home one night and the front door was wide open - he made me stay in the car while he explored the house. It was most likely the wind. We were staying at my sister’s house when the smoke alarm went off at 2AM - and it was a fire. He got us all up and out of the house before finding a fire extinguisher and putting the flames out. Recently I heard a strange noise from the basement in the middle of the night - he went down to check it out. Somehow, I know nothing will happen to me when he’s around.

6

Oh yeah - and he emptied the mouse traps when we were in Virginia…

What a guy!!! <sigh>

7

Hell yes… and ask Serendipity if I don’t look absolutely amazing sporting some large object while wearing my boxers. Hair all sticking up in back.

((Hehe… I originally typed ‘sporting some large object “in” my boxers’… but we all know that’s patently untrue.))

8

Since I am the biggest, tallest, and strongest person in my house (not a macho, chest-beating pronouncement, but a simple statement of fact), I do all the heavy lifting and reaching things on high shelves. Yeah, we have a step-stool in the kitchen, but if Mrs. Dave-Guy has the choice between getting it out and using it, or asking me, if I happen to be standing right there, she’ll ask me…oh, I’d say 10 times out of 10.

There’s also this expectation (completely unearned, I assure you) that I just know stuff, like how to fix the furnace or stop a leak. Or, if it’s a household appliance problem, I’m responsible for seeing that it gets fixed. We both know the plumber has to be called, my wife can look up the number and dial the phone just as skillfully as I can. But it’s my job, simply because I have external reproductive organs.

Oddly enough, my wife takes care of the family car, making appointments with the mechanic, taking the car there, picking it up…But then, she uses it 98% of the time, so I guess she takes more of a proprietary interest in it.

9

What Uncle Beer said…we also love opening up jars.

10

Shudder

See, that’s JUST the shit I mean! A few months ago, I found what I decided must be rat poo in my basement (though I never saw an actual animal of any kind), and struggled with what to do.

NO WAY was I going to deal with an animal in a death trap (be it spring, glue, or otherwise), but the idea of having to cart a rat into the country in a LIVE trap didn’t appeal either.

As it turned out, I did nothing. I was going to get one of those things that emits noises to make pests go away, but then I ended up adopting a couple of rats, so I couldn’t do that.

My hope now is that if there IS a rat still living in my basement, maybe it’s making friends with the rats in the cage. :wink:

Look at me, hijacking my own thread. :rolleyes:

11

Maybe not chewing on your dog’s ears would improve the situation? :smiley:

My honey’s even more terrified of spiders than I am. sigh Yes dear, I’ll get the can of chemical warfare.

12

The only recurrent situation in my life where it sucks to be “the guy” is when I’ve been single and wishing to date and/or experience sexual activity involving people who aren’t guys. I’m gonna have to have a little talk with God when I die about this gender and sexuality thing…

Regarding critters – my girlfriend and I have a contractual agreement on the subject: it is NOT the guy’s duty to dispatch roaches or other vermins if and when they are observed in the apartment. If the guy is willing to do so, he may, but the girl does not have the right to insist.

::shudders::

13

What, you mean these things aren’t automatically inserted into your genetic code?

Damn! There goes that theory.

Actually, there are many things (things that do not involve the “scary factor” or the “grody factor”) that I would like to take care of myself, but the women in my family won’t allow it.

For example (can you tell I love to tell stories?), one morning last summer I woke to a swimming pool in my basement (a good 8 inches of water throughout–one of the dogs took full advantage), due in part to a faulty washer.

I called in to work to let my boss know I wouldn’t be in, and happily went back to bed until time for the plumbers to open up shop (at which point I started making calls).

Well.

My mom (who lives in the same city as I do but was out of town at the time) happened to call me at work that day and, upon getting the scoop from my boss, then called me at home to tell me which of her local (manly-man) cousins to ask for help.

I told her I already had a plumber on the way, thinking she’d be pleased that I’d handled the situation so efficiently.

Are you kidding? :rolleyes: She practically chewed me a new one, saying that at best, I’d get overcharged ('cause I’m a GIRL, Daddy!), and at worst I’d wind up with some clueless hack who screw things up worse. She insisted that I cancel the plumber I had coming, and consult the cousin, and I said “OK,” just to shut her up, figuring she’d never know…

She was on to me.

She called the cousin HERSELF, and told him to get over to my house (imagine my surprise!), at which point he co-opted the whole affair; made all the calls, did all the talking… I just wrote the check at the end (and sulked bitterly for most of the day over being treated like an 11-year-old).

So sometimes, I guess, it sucks to be the GIRL… :wink:

14

Any jobs that require climbing ladders are mine by default.
Anything remotely dangerous will always be the man’s job. My wife had me out using a chainsaw with a broken arm (didn’t know yet it was broke yet, just hurt like hell).
Anything that involves discomfort will also go to the man. We are having a gutter problem, and when a bad rain hit this past Sunday, guess who got to go out into the deluge and build a diverter on the deck to channel the water away from the house? She stayed under the canopy and shined the flashlight for me.
Anything truly gross will also go to the man. All cat hairballs and other upchucks are mine to clean up. Once my wife called me at work to come home because the cat puked. In this particular instance though, the cat puked up a bunch of worms, and the wife puked too! It really was nasty, but I was pissed that she left it on the floor until i got home.
On the other hand, I don’t have to clean bathtubs or toilets. And after doing really dirty, hard jobs that the princess won’t I can usually count on being given a hot bath, a cool drink, and if I’m lucky a thank-you bj as well.

15

In our family, guy things include:

All trash taking out. Especially unusual or disgusting trash. I read Em’s post about the flooded basement - we had a flooded bedroom once (toilet problem), and I was in charge of cleaning the bottom of the closet out, the carpet, etc.

All vermin. Insects - if I use chemicals, I’m supposed to be careful of what else the chemicals get on, but still get the nasty thing, if it’s a shoe, it has to be mine, even if hers is right there and I have to walk into the other room for one. Mice - once a mouse is detected or suspected, there needs to be a dead mouse body within a week or she says she’s moving out. All trap setting, checking, rebaiting, or disposal must occur without her around, preferably when she’s at least 10 miles away.

Any phone conversation dealing with strangers, particularly regarding money or workmen coming to the house (plumbing, cable, painters, whatever) - although she claims it’s a girl thing, I think it’s just a shyness thing.

Also, certain occasions (Valentine’s, anniversaries) are times for the husband to get the wife something, but not the reverse.

Fortunately, none of those are a big deal to me, so they don’t really hurt the relationship. (Except when I’m amused at them and point it out and laugh, but that’s a different issue.)

And yes, like Dave says, guys are supposed to be experts on home maintenance. Hey, we’ve both lived in this house the same amount of time, I’m no expert. Look, here’s the home repair book we bought together… I’m checking the index…

16

And a trained killer to boot!

17

In fact, the willingness to get up and check out a noise in the middle of the night is one of my criteria for being in love. The other is the willingness to…well, you can probably guess the second criterion.

There are plenty of women who have met one of the two criteria, but only a handful who have met both (not that i WOULDNT check out a noise for a woman i was not in love with, but i would resent it.)

18

Yeah, we trained killers can come in handy sometimes.
As for the other guy stuff, walking the dog at 3am, shoveling snow, jump-starting cars, … hey, am I sensing a trend here?!?

19

Ummmm… watch “Remains of the Day?” :smiley:

20

Ah, crap, they’re on to us! Run, ladies!