Somehow this doesn’t make me laugh so much as makes me feel good all over! 
I wish something like that had happened with that dickwad bully, in the diner near the Fortress of Solitude, in the Superman movie.
I was in a Vegas casino with a friend, and we were killing time after dinner by watching a woman play a slot machine. People were gathered around watching her because she kept doing this little dance while seated, waving her arms up in the air and saying, “Woo wooo woooo woooo woooo woooo!” every time she spun.
Whenever she got three bars, she would shout out,“BAH BAH BAH!” Her husband sat right next to her, humoring her and cheering her on.
After a couple minutes, we were laughing so hard that I had to lean against the wall for support, and my friend had to run off to the ladies’ room to fix her makeup since it was running from her eye-watering laughter spasms.
This story may sound mean, since it is at another person’s expense. But its true, it happened in 1993, Mannhiem, Germany.
I had gone out with my girlfriend, now wife. She didn’t feel well, so I took her back to her barracks and went back to mine. (We were both in the army at the time, in different units. Her barracks were on the other side of town)
I got back to my barracks and found a bunch of the guys in the day room playing cards and drinking beer, just generally partying. There were a few german girls hanging out there too. It was odd that so many people were in the barracks on a friday night, but hey. The party kind of migrated to my room. I usually kept the door open when hanging out with my friends, so anyone in the barracks could just stroll in and join us. It got crowded fast and we were having fun.
I asked a guy I’ll just call Jones, where “Huke” was. Huke was the guy in barracks that never had a girlfriend in his entire 26 years of life but was always trying. But he was totally incapable of talking to women w/o making a fool of himself. As a matter of fact, he was so socially awkward, niave and sorta pathetic that it was hard NOT to laugh at him all of the time. We all tried to help him from time to time, but man, this guy was hopeless. Still we all liked him…sort of. I usually felt sorry for him. To my surprise Jones told me Huke was in his room. The german girls Jones had invited over had a friend with them, another girl. I knew who she was when Jones told me her name. She was kind of homely, but for Huke…hey, beggars can’t be choosers, I guess. He had somehow sweet talked this girl into going to his room with him! (for clarity I’ll just say her name was “Katja”). This was amazing news! Huke gettin’ laid! Surely it was a sign of the apocalypse!
Suddenly we heardscreaming. Not “in terror” screaming, but “I’m very pissed off!” screaming from down the hall. Katja came running down the hallway, and when she saw all of us from the doorway to my room she stopped and began shouting “I have been in his room for hours and hours and he cannot get it up! He has a soft little d***! He is not a real man!”
The crowd in my room stood, stunned into silence as she yelled. People in other rooms came running down the hall to see what was going on. Hell, I think the music stopped. (this was a co-ed barracks also, so there were female soldiers there too). Huke comes running down the hall, stops next to her, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans and begins yelling “Shut up! I gave you 20 marks not to say anything!”
Right after that SGT H…who was on CQ that night came running up the stairs and shouts “What the hell is going on! Who has a soft little D***!?”
You could see the realization in Huke’s face that practically the entire company was there. You could hear crickets as he slowly turned beet red. Then he ran back to his room and slammed the door. We all fell to the floor laughing. Yeah, its kinda mean, but it was funny at the time. I remember laughing so hard at the spectacle that I had tears streaming down my face. It hurt to laugh so hard.
But to add into the mean stuff, since everyone was there the story made it to the commander. I was standing next to him one day when Huke walked by and he chuckled and said in a faux german accent “He has a soft little d***! He is not a real man!”. He forgave me for falling over laughing.
(I might have to make a Huke thread one day. That guy gave us all so much amusement back then.)
This was many years ago, and I don’t recall all the details.
I’m a long-time fan of the Selling It column at the back of Consumer Reports, wherein they show comically dishonest and/or so-bad-it’s-good advertisements. It can be really funny.
The one that had me rolling in laughter was a sidebar making fun of car ads that boasted about basic features. “Hey, the new Toyota Nissan Oldsmobile has a steering wheel!”, that sort of thing. At the end of the list was, “And the Hyundai? It has wheels.”
I doesn’t sound like much when I write about it, but that last bit had me in tears. I was having trouble breathing. I went around telling telling everybody about how the Hyundai had wheels. Even now, it make me smile to remember it.
I just remembered one from high school.
It was a very small school, and every year the senior class got to go on a trip right before spring break (sort of a “once last time together” thing). My class went to Myrtle Beach. There were about 18 of us on the trip, so we rented vans and one of the teachers (Mr. M), his wife, and the older brother of one of my classmates drove us from Minneapolis to Myrtle Beach and back (3 days to get there and 2 to get back).
Mr. M kept getting annoyed that his wife would get too far behind and traffic would separate them, meaning he couldn’t tell if she was still following or not. One morning he pulled over to wait for her because he couldn’t see her anywhere. She pulled up behind him and he got out to “discuss” the issue.
Those of us in the car started complaining about Mr. M’s short temper and how he really needed to relax. Joey, who was sitting shotgun, piped up that he’d taken an apple with him when we’d left the hotel that morning (continental breakfast) and set it on the floor briefly. A few minutes later he saw Mr. M eating it. We were appalled.
At the next rest stop, Joey and I switched seats. As we continued driving, Mr. M needed his sunglasses and felt around on the floor for them. Joey had left his jacket on the floor up front and Mr. M was about to hand it back to him when he remarked,“There’s something in the sleeve.”
You’re probably thinking exactly the same thing we were thinking. It was dead silent as Mr. M worked the object out of the sleeve. “Oh, it’s an apple.”
It was at least 10 seconds before we could breathe, except of course for Joey, who was mortified. “Mr. M, Joey has a funny story to tell you,” one of the other guys finally said. “No, no, I don’t!” One of the other guys explained (minus the parts where we complained about him) and Mr. M laughed so hard he nearly drove off the road.
At breakfast the next day, I happened to overhear Mr. M concluding the story to his wife: “He thought I ate his apple!”
Did anyone see Kentucky Fried Movie? there was a scene with some guy who was this Bruce Lee type parody and he was about to be attacked by a German Shepherd. He slapped the dog on the nose and said “What was that?this is vewwy vewwy sewious. This is not a chawade” I laughed for 15 minutes.
An old friend of mine(and partner in crime from my single days) used to hang out with me every weekend,we were practically joined at the hip,so we came up with a ton of stuff that really wasn’t that funny to anyone but us…but I remember many,many times she and I were in hysterics over just about anything you could think of.
One Christmas, my college roommates and I were decorating gingerbread men. Being poor college students, we had three things to decorate with–white icing, red and green Christmas M&Ms, and red and green sugar sprinkles. I made mine white with green sprinkle trim on the head, sleeves, and feet, and two green M&Ms between his legs. I then held it up to my roommate Erica and said “Who’s this?” She looked at me blankly, and I said “Vinnie Testaverde!” I think that even now any mention of Vinnie Testaverde gets a giggle out of her, at the very least. She couldn’t hear his name without laughing for weeks.
Same college roommates, at one of our drunken parties. A big group of us are playing “I’ve Never,” a game in which a person says something they’ve never done, and you take a drink if you’ve done it. Now, I always lost this game horribly, as I was a semi-normal girl living in a houseful of virgins. I would get through about three rounds with my standard “I’ve never been fishing” and “I’ve never been to California” (now untrue, alas), and then would be so drunk from all the stuff that the other people had never done that I’d done that I would run out of things to say. But this time, my friend Brandon was there, and he’s gay, so I figured I’d at least get him by saying “I’ve never had anal sex.” At the exact moment after I said that, my friend Kay, who had been conversing with another group across the room, decided to wheel around in the middle of her conversation, point at the group playing the game, and scream “BULLSHIT!” at the top of her lungs. For one moment, it was like one of those scenes from the movies, where the record screeches to a stop and everyone goes silent and stares at you. And then the entire group who was playing the game just lost it laughing.
I asked Kay about it later when everyone was sober, and she said that she had decided a few minutes before to do that at a random time–she hadn’t even heard what I just said.
Not me, but my brother: he fell of the couch and was unable to get up when we were watching the DVD of Tenacious D: The Complete Masterworks.