What's your funny fart story?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have many but here’s my favorite:

One day, I had a really painful pimple on my butt. The way it was positioned, I couldn’t safely puncture it with a needle (my usual M.O.).

So, I called my wife over:
Me: Hey, come over here I have a pimple on my ass.
Her: No way!
Me: C’mon, it hurts like hell, you have to pop it.
Her: NO WAY!
Me: You bitch, it’s killing me!
Her: (leaning over) I can’t see it.
Me: (pointing) It’s right there!
Her: (leaning closer) I still don’t see it…
BWEEEOOOOOOOOOOT
Me: Haha, your glasses are all foggy!
Her: Kill! KILL!
smack smack OW OW smakity smack

Suffice it to say, when I have a butt pimple nowadays, I don’t expect any help or sympathy.

2

What’s your second favorite?

3

I used to live on the 22nd floor of a 23 story apartment building. It was Saturday morning, early, maybe 5:00am when I had to leave for work. The night before I spent bar hopping with friends until only a few hours before waking. On the way down my gut rumbled with a big gas bubble. The elevator is always a straght ride to the first floor at such an early hour on weekends, so I let it rip, filling the empty elevator with a truly rancid beer fart.

The elevator stopped at the tenth floor where two really hot girls got on. The doors closed, the girls continued talking when in the middle of speaking one of them went "OH MY GOD!! EEEEWWW GOD!!! while simultaneously looking at me, covering her nose and tapping the first floor button.

4

I patted my wife on her back, and she burped. I said, “Ha ha, you’re just like a giant baby, did you finish your bottle, baby?” She got a little indignant, “I’m not a baby,” etc. etc. Later, we were lying in bed. She was lying on her back, then she farted: Brackabrackabracka Quickly, I jumped up and pushed her stomach: Bwoot!, waited a beat (for humor, of course,) then pushed again: brumt. We had a good laugh. Then, I flipped over and said, “Ok, try me!” BRACKABRACKA pbbbbbtt… “Push it!” I said, and she pushed my stomach down: "pbpbpbpbt*. Then, she got excited and started pushing my stomach quickly like she was giving CPR. “It’s not working anymore,” she said. I said, “Nah, it worked…you just didn’t hear it.”

5

Another one:

We went to Korea to visit the in-laws, and Korean food and travel gives me indigestion. My 2nd day there, I started crapping liquefied lawn clippings and having horrible gas. I was farting all night long, we kept the bedroom door closed as well since it was cold outside. We were in my wife’s old bedroom at her parent’s apartment, and there is only a tiny window in one wall. My wife climbed up on her old desk to try to open the window, but it was stuck. When we opened her bedroom door, I saw her mother pass by and glance in, but she didn’t say anything.

Later, we went out, and when we came back, her mother and father were searching the room: under the bed, behind the dresser, etc. using a flashlight. My wife asked her parents what they were doing, and then translated to me: “They’re looking for a rat that died in the room.”

6

Awww, I can’t top Superhal’s story, but here goes.

We were in 6th grade, and having a quiet reading time. I inadvertently let one slip. I was mortified, and began scraping my chair back and forth, hoping to camouflage the fart. The kid in front of me, John H******, was the only one to hear the original fart, and began snickering. Poor fella, he couldn’t stop.

The teacher asked him why him was laughing, and bless his heart, John didn’t tell him! John got in trouble in front of the whole class for that, but he never said a word.

That, my friends, is a mensch.

7

Various versions of the Fart Game:

Version #1: What did you eat? When did you eat it?
Her: bwoot
Me: sniff sniff What the hell is that? Is that kimchee?
Her: snff Yeah probably, I had some kimchee the other day.
Me: My god it smells like you ate it 2 weeks ago.
Me: bwoot Hehe, mine smells like coffee.
Her: You drink too much coffee.

Version 2: The blame game
bwoot
Me: You stink.
Her: Wasn’t me, it was the dog.
Me: The dog doesn’t eat kimchee, you liar.

Version 3: Head farts
Her: Stop farting in my face.
Me: Fine, I’ll fart on the dog. C’mere girl.
bwoot
Dog: GRRR!
Me: OW! She bit my ass!

8

I’ve posted this story before but it’s still funny. And I should note that it’s not actually my funny fart story. But anyway.

My friend’s son is young and just learning words. Grandma comes to visit and decides she should be teaching the boy various polite phrases like “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me”.

That evening the family is sitting around the dinner table and the boy lets out a tremendous fart. Being that young, he’s totally unconcerned about it and just keeps eating.

But Grandma interupts him and asks, “What do you say when you do that?”

The kid thinks for a second and says, “Aaaahhhhhhh!”

9

When I was a kid, maybe 6-7, my aunt lived with us. One night she had a date with a really hot guy, and she was trying very hard to impress him. When they got back she invited him in, and they sat on the couch, talking. All of a sudden my aunt smelled the unmistakable stench of gas. She didn’t want to say anything, knowing the poor guy must be embarrassed. What she didn’t know was that he thought the farts were coming from her. Finally, he made some lame excuse and got up to leave. At that moment the dog emerged from under the couch, still farting.

The two of them had a good laugh over it . . . but she never saw the guy again.

10

The lobby of SOAS in London. Beautiful young couple espy each other with great excitement. She runs into his arms. They kiss, he holds her by the waist and lifts her up, spinning her round. The squeeze elicits a massive, echoing “Fphthphthphthphthphthphthphthphth!!!” from the beautiful young girl. She slinks off in shame.

11

I’m browsing the shelves in a shop some years back, and I drop one mofo of a silent-but-deadly. A minute or two later, one of the assistants comes by, it hits him, he pulls a disgusted face and scurries off, to return with an industrial-sized can of air freshener which he lets rip with… liberally.

12

I usually have two types of farts: “happy” and “deadly.” Happy farts usually have a funny sound and little or no smell, and everybody has a good laugh. Deadly farts seem to have a mass, like in old movies where you can see the smoke hovering over the swamp. Wind has little or no effect on them, and the smell seems to linger in a particular area for a long time. Usually, the smell can best be described as “finding the decomposing corpse of a cat after 3 weeks in the sun.”

When I sleep at night, if it’s warm, we usually turn on a little room fan. The fan is at the foot of our bed, and we set it to oscillate from left to right.

My wife has the firm belief that if either of us farts in bed, the best thing to do is to flap the blanket up and down to give the gas a chance to disperse.

One night, I don’t remember what I had been eating, but I was laying the Deadly type fart all night long. At bedtime, we turned on the fan and went to sleep. However, I continued farting under the blanket. After one particularly loud one, I heard my wife moving around.

Me: Honey, don’t move.
Her: sleepily No…no…why don’t you…open the blanket?
Me: It’s ok, just leave it under the blanket.
Her: Yawns It will be fine…don’t be scared…lifts the blanket oh…OH…OH MY GOD!

Of course, I knew how bad it was so I didn’t raise my side of the blanket, so the full force of my swamp gas went to her side of the room.

Her: IT’S NOT…IT’S NOT GOING AWAY!!
Me: Warned ya, you dummy. When are you going to listen to me?

At that moment, the fan shifted from her side of the room to my side, bringing the gas to my side. As every guy knows, you don’t think your own fart stinks. However, what I found out was that if you don’t smell your own fart immediately, smelling it later hits you with the same force as if someone else did it.

Me: HOLY SHIT! IT’S GOING UP MY NOSE! AIIIEEE!

13

This happened about 25 years ago at a cousin’s wedding. The church was fairly full, probably 300 people or so. Her cousin’s and other relatives filled the first 8 rows or so of the wooden pews.

The wedding began with the usual prayer. While standing for the prayer, I felt a grumbling down below. I tried relieve some of the pressure but it just moved a down a bit. Everyone sat down and everything got quiet. The pressure began to build.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony.”

“Fffffwwwweeeep”. Remember I mentioned the wooden pews? The make great amplifiers too.

I was trying like hell to keep from busting out laughing. My older brother who was sitting in the row in front of me turned and looking at me. We both starting giggling uncontrolably. A cousin sitting in the same row from me looked at me. He busted out in a silent laugh. As I looked around I could see a number of shoulders bobbing up and down as folks tried to control themselves.

“Marriage is the union of husband and wife in heart, body and mind. It is intended for their mutual joy.”

Tears were pouring down my face. I didn’t dare look at anyone. My son, he was about 10 at the time, was kneeling on the floor with his jacket over his head trying to keep his laughter down. I could here a number of muffled guffaws throughout the church.

“Do you Jason take this woman as your bride?”

Just when it seemed everyone was gaining control, someone in the back of the church snorted. The rumble started from the back and rolled to the front. For 5 minutes the wedding ceremony was on hold. If I looked at anyone it would make me laugh even harder. The din finally died and the ceremony continued.

As my cousin and her new hubby walked back up the aisle, she pointed at various relatives trying to find out whe caused the disruption. When she pointed at me, I shrugged my shoulders and played innocent. She later said she should have expected nothing less from her family.

14

I’ve told this one a couple of times before on the Boards. I’ll just cut and paste one of my old posts:

Years ago, i was living in England and working as a waiter in a pretty upmarket country house hotel in the Lakes District.

One evening, i was working in the dining room serving dinner. It’s one of those places where men are supposed to wear a jacket and tie for the evening meal. It was mid-week, so we weren’t really busy. There were only about 7 or 8 couples, so we used the smaller dining room, which was more intimate, with only about 10 tables.

Anyway, it was the middle of dinner, everyone was happily eating their main course, and i made one of my regular passes through the dining room to check on how everything was going. I stood in the middle of the room, and surveyed the tables to make sure that everyone was OK, and that no-one needed their wine topping up or anything like that.

While i was standing there, a fairly substantial fart caught me completely unawares, and escaped before i could even summon the effort to prevent it. It was not a long, loud, drawn-out fart—more of a quick pop—but in the hushed atmosphere of the dining room i might as well have let off a howitzer.

I was absolutely mortified, but the famous stiff upper lip of the British upper class meant that, apart from a sudden drop in the conversation, not one of the guests gave the slightest indication that they had heard a thing. They just kept sawing away at their roast beef. I made a beeline for the kitchen, where i collapsed in an absolute fit of laughter. The chefs, who all appreciated scatological humor, laughed long and loud when i told them what had happened.

15

My funny fart story is a classic known to many in their teen years. I was 17 and a counselor at scout camp. One night after all the troops were at their sites, some of us staff were in the office. There was one of the older guys (late 20’s, old to us teens) who was generally straight-laced and reserved. We’re talking when he suddenly yells, “gimme a lighter!” leans back in his chair and lets go with a huge fart which he ignites with the lighter. For a split second, there was a foot long jet of flame coming out of the seat of his shorts. It was the first time I’d ever even heard of such a thing so you can imagine the surprise for me. I was unable to talk or even stand for many minutes as I laughed myself nearly to death.

16

Mrs. Mustard and I were attending a Lamaze childbirth class. There were around twelve couples seated on the floor in a circle; in the middle, the instructor.

The teacher was demonstrating various positions in which to give birth. The room was totally silent. Lying on her back, she said a good position is for the woman to grab her ankles and pull them forward, toward her chest.

The instructor then demonstrated the maneuver. As she pulled her ankles forward, she let rip a very audible air biscuit. It was as if she fired it off with her legs.

Not one person even acknowledged the fart, but the two of us laughed all the way home.

mmm

17

A cut and paste from a previous posting:
DELAYED REACTION STEALTH FART!

I just got back from the grocery store. While I was shopping, I felt some internal rumbles, but nothing serious until I got to the frozen foods aisle. Just as I opened one of the freezer doors, I was hit with that sudden bubbling sensation and it quickly moved down the tract and blew out as a giant SBD. I grabbed what I needed off the shelf and moved around the corner into the next aisle.

While I’m getting what I need there, I hear voices from the last aisle.

“Oh, you pig! You farted right here in public!”

"I did not. One of these TV dinners must be bad!’

WHAP! “Ow! Dammit, I didn’t!”

With much stifled snickering, I moved quickly down the aisle. I chuckled all the way through the rest of my shopping, even catching a glimpse of the wrongly accused dude and his indignant lady. And when I got into my car, I laughed out loud all the way home.

I am so going to hell.

18

This happened just about a month ago: I was in the early stages of slowly recovering from some horrible stomach ailment, perhaps food poisoning, and I had only just gotten to the point where things that were not pure liquid were occasionally coming out of my butt again. At the same time, I had been intensively working on lesson plans for a segment on Greek mythology, and had my head all full of names.

One night as I was feeling marginally better, I decided to chug some milk on the way to bed, you know, to help settle my stomach. TERRIBLE idea: apparently whatever had been torturing my gut also did a number on my standard digestive enzymes, and I simply couldn’t process the milk like usual, so I spent the night having what I imagine lactose intolerance must feel like, with enormous clattering of broad, extended farts all night long. But I was so exhausted from having been sick that I just slept through the entire experience, and my mind managed to work it all into my dreams as the names of mythological characters bellowing at each other in the clouds. So I’d half wake up, hearing this clattering blare of “HEPHAAAAESTUUUUUUUSS” coming out of my butt, fall back asleep, ten minutes later, “PROOOOMTHEUUUUUUUUUSSSS.” And so on until the morning.

19

Ever had a fart which completely surprised you because you never knew it was there, lurking in the back passage, waiting to come out?

A few years back I was at a friend’s place for a DVD night. One of her neighbours brought her fox terrier. It was generally well-behaved, except at one crucial point. There I was lying down on my back, propped up on my elbows, when suddenly the little bugger raced across the room and jumps over me, a white furry blur briefly blocking my vision. I was so startled that I

“blllllllrrrptptptptptptpt!”

made a noise. I didn’t even know I had one in me. And it happened right at the moment there was silence from the tv, so it was loud. And echoed.

For 3 seconds no one reacted. And it would have probably gone unnoticed if I hadn’t went, “Oh crap… sorry about that.”

Then everyone just lost it completely for the next 10 minutes.

To this day, for instant recognition, I am referred to as “that farty dude”. Still. To. This. Fricking. Day.

20

That reminds me of the best birthday card I’ve ever seen - it says something like, “Happy Birthday! Hope you like the card - I had to grab one quickly because someone farted in the card aisle.” I don’t think I’ve ever shopped for birthday cards and not either smelled someone else farting or dropped a few myself.