What's your funny fart story?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I should just say that I hate working in cramped spaces, but I always seem to work in places that have too many of them. Most of my jobs require dodging people like you’re dancing with them.

My stomach tends to give me issues right at the worst time. Even if I hold some torrid affair inside for twenty minutes, my stomach knows how to compensate.

The last time my gas attacked was at a temp. cook position. I waited for as long as I could, but I couldn’t leave my station. I checked the bar area, and then looked to see if anyone was coming from the back of the kitchen. I went over to a quite corner and let out one of those clouds that wilts your hair.

AT THAT VERY SECOND the owners daughter came through the kitchen door and made a bee-line for my special corner. I tried to ask her if I could get something for her, but by then her head was right by the back of my pants. She was going for a container below me. She just said, “No, it’s fine I’ll get…”.

She came up cross eyed, and turned straight for the door.
I really tried to avoid any contact, and instead served this poor girl dinner for two.

We really didn’t talk after that.

22

My nieces were over for dinner one night, as were my aunt and uncle who were visiting from North Dakota with their yappy idiot dachshund, Annie. Younger niece Marissa, who was two years/four months old at the time, had been calling the dog “Manny”.

Partway through the meal, Marissa let out a quiet little fart. She got an “uh-oh” look on her face, looked over at my Mom, and whispered, “I fawted!” We all just carried on eating and didn’t say anything.

A few minutes later, she literally hiked a cheek and let a really big one loose. It reverberated on the metal seat of her stool. Hee! She again got the “uh-oh” look on her face, and my Mom said, “Say! Who made that big noise?”

Marissa said, “Manny!” and pointed down to where the dog sat waiting patiently under her chair for any dropped morsels of food. Two years old and she was already blaming the dog for her farts. Ah, such a delicate flower! :smiley:

One of my vendor buddies at the farmer’s market is an older lady who is quite earthy. She freely admits that she thinks farts are funny, and laughs about them with her grandchildren. I heard her fart one day (we’re about 10 feet apart) and asked, “Pat, you got barking spiders over there in your booth?” She nearly fell over laughing, saying she’d never heard anyone but her daughter reference the mythical beasts.

On a market day weeks later, I smelled a whiff of eau de poo, and I said to her, “Pat, you got barking spiders over there AGAIN?”

She said, “Oh, come ON, you didn’t hear that all the way over there. I barely heard it!”

“No, I smelled it.” Sometimes my bloodhound nose is a curse.

23

one I’ve posted here before:

Working at the grocery store, I was sweeping the aisles when one of the dairy guys comes up to me laughing. He was stocking the bottom row in the dairy section and as such was on his knees. A kindly little old lady was going slowly behind him looking at the goods. Just as she was directly behind him, she let out a short, loud fart. He didn’t stop working or even turn his head, just concentrated on keeping his composure. After she had worked her way down the aisle a little, he risked a glance. She was loooking over her shoulder at him and said, “Boy, That was a stinker, wasn’t it?” in the classic little old lady voice. He just lost it and then went looking for someone to tell.

24

A couple of weeks ago I passed gas in my office and that made my sleeping dog get up and both bark and growl. I’m not sure what she thought it was, but she didn’t like it.

25

I’ve mentioned this too but probably the toot I remember best were the ones that escaped from the buttock of my prospective mother-in-law. We were all watching a movie in the living room, she on the floor leaning back against the couch and my girlfriend and I several feet in front of her. She was drinking some mixed drink, which probably relaxed her muscles a bit and smoking a cigarette which, if she was like me, probably made her need to poo and then something funny happed in the movie which made her start to laugh. She did three chuckles and farted loudly after each chuckle but the funny thing was you could tell how desparately she was trying to clench each one off by its distinct change in pitch. It was chuckle blatttttt chuckle prrrrrrttttt chuckle wheeeep. This was point blank behind my head and we then had to ignore the 800 lb. air biscuit in the room. Tough goin’, that, trying not to burst out immediately and having to wait until the next mildly amusing scene in the movie where we could laugh inappropriately.

26

McDonald’s. I was a cashier during the breakfast rush, stationed right next to the hashbrowns so that all my co-workers had to pass directly through the path of whatever was clawing its way out of my weary behind. One girl halted and let out a howl: “Auuughhwwwha! Smell like dem AIGS done gone bad!”

This one happened to my Grandma. She was telling a story at a family gathering about something that had happened to her when she and her brother were little kids. As she reached the climax of the story, “Your Uncle Bobby was jumping up and down, he was so excited, and he said…” she was jumping about to illustrate, and she ripped out a giant fart. We all fell out laughing and we never did hear the end of that story. (Uncle David’s comment–“That Bobby…he was a real card.”)

27

My dog farts and is very startled. You’ll hear “brrrrT!” and he’ll get up and run away. I think he thinks there are little smelly monsters in the carpet that bite his butt sometimes.

28

Ok…I’ve got two:

When I was maybe 10, I was flipping thru magazines at the grocery store while mom was shopping. I let out a nice ripper when no one was around. A few seconds later, these three big thug-looking guys walked up. I had already moved over to the side, and didn’t think twice about the fart. After about 30 seconds or so, one of them looked over at me and said “hey man…you farted over here man?” I denied it, cause they looked like they were gonna kick some ass. It was a great laugh later.

The second happened last week. I am a nurse at a nursing home. I can frequently get away with it by blaming it on a patient. I had cut a good one, and the other nurse didn’t hear it. She happened to walk by a few seconds later. They had just delivered the lunch trays to the unit. She stopped in her tracks and said, “What the hell? Is that the food?” I admitted to it, we both cracked up, and she said she wondered what smelled so bad on the lunch trays.

29

I have two.

#1
The very first day of Junior High School (7th grade) during the very first class, before the teacher had said a word - the class was just getting seated and quiet when all of a sudden I ripped a HUGE fart. Everyone in the class heard it and laughed and I mumbled something like “must have been the Raisin Bran I had for breakfast.” I was already an awkward kid so of course this happened to me. Great first impression to start off my Jr High career.

#2
A few years back I went to see The Proclaimers at the The Crocodile in Seattle. My friends and I got a spot up close to the stage, which isn’t very high to begin with… just a few feet off the ground, if that, so you’re very close to the performers. I had some serious Silent-but-Deadly gas that night and at one point it was so terrible that I not only heard people behind me complaining, but I saw one of The Proclaimers (Charlie, I think) make a “I just smelled a fart” face. I was hoping that nobody would know it was me, but I look like I’m made of farts so I’m sure it was obvious who was letting them rip.

30

This whole thread is laugh worthy, but I think you just won it with this one. I cannot WAIT to describe someone that way! Thank you!

And I’m sure you don’t actually look like you’re made of farts.

31

Those would be “tweeters” and “woofers” :smiley:

32

I wish I could claim credit for the phrase, but that honor goes to comedian Brian Posehn who says it in one of his bits.

33

My girl passes gas, but I never hear it. However, sometimes it is so bad that I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if she has had an accident…

34

I adore Brian Posehn! Nice rip! :slight_smile:

35

Several years ago, my sister, her boyfriend, and I were driving to North Carolina for a family wedding. I was driving, BF was in the passenger seat, and my sister was asleep in the back. I suddenly noticed a foul miasma wafting its pestilent way through the car. BF looks at me and says, “Was that you?”

“It most certainly was not me.”

We hear a sleepy voice from the back: “Sorry.”

My sister’s fart was so foul it woke her from a deep sleep. Freaked BF out as well - he had a hard time accepting that beautiful, delicate girls could produce such smells.

36

Barking spiders!! I don’t remember where I got that phrase from (probably here) but I use it quite frequently. Nothing cracks up a junior high kid than a teacher calmly commenting on how bad the barking spiders are around here.

37

The first girl I slept with farted in my face while I was going down on her. I leaped out of bed and she lay there giggling.

Depending on what I’ve been eating, when I’m out for a run I’ll sometimes get a little gas attack that comes out with each step so there’s a parp parp parp parp as I’m running along. It’s like having my own personal Flowmasters installed. Hasn’t happened when I’m out running with other people (yet) but I’ve got a running date with a girl this week so we’ll see what happens. She’s got a great sense of humor, luckily.

38

I’ve posted this before… but it’s still brought up quite often around our house.

39

My sister married and moved to one of the “San” cities near San Francisco. While there, my mother and I shared a guest room. We were on our way to Vegas, so we stayed up late so my mother could learn blackjack.

One night, I woke up because I heard a strange sound. It didn’t happen again, so I tried to go back to sleep. Then, I heard another sound: my mother was farting in her sleep. Of course, once you realize farts are present, then you can smell them. The stench was horrible. I think it had passed “dead cat” stage and was on it’s way to “corpsify.” I tried hiding under the blanket, but the smell wasn’t going away. Also, this was winter so all the windows were closed and it was ~50 degrees F outside.

Finally, I gathered up the blanket and pillow, and went downstairs and slept in the living room. In the morning, I slept until like 10am and everybody was waiting for me to wake up to explain why I had moved downstairs. When I told the story, there was much laughter involved and my mother kept denying it.

After we returned home, our family tradition is to sit down to dinner and tell all of our vacation stories as a group, so people can add details of interesting events. While I was telling the story of the Midnight Farts, my stepfather started laughing uncontrollably while my mother was even more vehemently denying it.

Finally, he looked over at me, and said, “Now you understand my pain.”

40

In 6th grade or so me and some friends would have like a contest to see who’s fart smelled the worst. I would let mine rip and they were always silent but deadly. God they smelled so bad and everyone around me would be so disgusted and annoyed. But even looking back on it now I laugh.