I need a laugh right now, and nothing, nothing is funnier than a funny fart story. I recall reading a funny fart thread a few years ago which was so good my belly ached from laughter.
Whaddaya got?
OK. Here’s the old thread.
And here’s my favorite post from that thread:
That previous thread is wonderful. 
My best two:
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We were playing bridge on a cool day (so the windows were closed). One chap drops a ‘silent but deadly’. As he starts to apologise, the awful, awful odour strikes our nostrils. :smack:
Our caveman instincts take over. We can’t fight it - so we must flee! Luckily I was nearest the door and made it out. Unfortunately the next two chaps arrived in the doorway simultaneously - and jammed themselves there, with the last player (trapped behind them) begging them to get out the way. -
After a delicious but rich curry the night before, I am teaching computing. The classroom is a temporary one (whilst repairs/upgrades are being made elsewhere). Its only deficit is lack of ventilation.
Whilst moving to check each computer screen, I suddenly feel an overwhelming sensation of pressure in my bowels.
Struggling, I manage to muffle the actual noise. However the reek that follows is simply … unbelievable!
The nearest child immediately protests. “Sir, Johnny’s guffed*!”
Johnny indignantly denies it. “Sir, it must have been Tina!”
As Tina starts to proclaim her innocence, I realise that this can only end badly for me. Once every pupil has stated they didn’t do it, there will only be one possible culprit…
I call an impromptu fire drill and evacuate the classroom for a few minutes, saying “We don’t need to know who it was. Let’s give it a moment and then continue the lesson.”
*apparently slang for ‘farted’
I was in the grocery section of WalMart, and came down an aisle where there was only one man standing there. As I paused to get something from the shelf, he said in a rather irritated voice, “It never fails… I find an empty aisle when I need to pass gas and someone always comes along.”
I moved along quickly and returned to that aisle later.
After one particularly stinky fart, my husband looked at me with a kind of bafflement and said “how can someone so small make such powerful smells?”
I remember once we were in a mult-level parking garage and I farted as soon as I got into the car. He’d already started driving when the smell hit, and he howled in disgust and frantically pushed the button to wind down the window. He drove for a few minutes with his head hanging out of the car like a dog, saying variations of “that’s disgusting. You just got in. Couldn’t you have done it outside?”
I also like farting on him (or in his direction), then sniffing him and whispering “you stink.”
I’ve already posted my best story, so here is [thread=505174]how I set my testicles afire.[/thread]
:eek:
I was living in Vallejo, CA back in the late 80’s and had a date with a young blonde. We went to go see Guns & Roses at an amphitheater that I think was around 2 hours away.
On the way back, we’re rocking out, music blasting, sunroof open. About an hour away, I start to feel the feeling and knew it was going to be a long ride home. It felt like a lot of pressure was building, and, being young & on a first date, didn’t want to offend the young lady. I sat there, waiting for the ride to end so I could get out of the car and get that pressure out!
Right before you get to Vallejo, there is some kind of a plant that makes a FOUL odor. Not sure if it’s a natural gas plant, or what. DING the light bulb comes on over my head!! As we approach the plant, I squeaked one out. The music was loud and the car (Honda CRX) was small, but she didn’t hear me. I figured I was set! I let out a few more, and it hit her.
She got that look on her face, turned to me and said “DAMN!!! I hate driving past this place, shut the sunroof!!!” I’m freaking dying laughing, I shut the sunroof and turned the vent on recirc…then let out all the rest of what was building in me for the last hour. The poor girl was green! I thought I was going to have to pull over, first for her to throw up, and second for me to wipe my eyes and regain my composure from laughing so hard. The tears were just rolling down my face, obviously she thought the smell had gotten to me too!
The poor girl never knew!!
Non-anecdotal, merely phenomenological. (Teeming Millions: Awwww…)
I recently furnished my home office with a sturdy old solid oak chair. It’s surprisingly comfy but has one major drawback. The hard, slick seat surface acts as a sort of resonator—sound the trouser trombone and you might as well be sitting on a snare drum.
By such methods as these was public decorum maintained in olden times.
Unsquare Dude has a problem with pea farts. He will eat two cans of peas and then act so surprised when he rips these unholy toots all night.
The best time was when he fell asleep with his head under the covers and dutch ovened himself.
You ain’t kidding, brother. I had one of those exact same oak chairs for a long, long time, and it would amplify any fart that I cut while sitting on it.
My favorite fart story isn’t really mine, it’s my father’s.
One day he came back from the grocery store looking kind of half amused, half ashamed. Mom asked him what was up. He told us the tale of sneaking a silent but deadly one in the checkout line that didn’t so much smell like a fart, but exactly like crap.
Apparently there was a 1-2 year old child there with his mother in front of them, and the mother wigged out when she got a whiff of Dad’s fart and started chewing on the kid’s ass for shitting his pants now that he was out of diapers, and the kid was protesting with “But mommy, I didn’t!”.
Dad was apparently torn between guilt for the kid and embarrassment that was preventing him from confessing to save the kid some grief.
My favorite fart story although I was not directly involved.
My friends’ son was at an age where he was just learning to talk. Grandma was visiting and she decided it was important to teach this little boy to use polite phrases like “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me”.
So they’re all sitting around the table eating supper and the boy lets out this really loud fart, which he’s completely unconcerned about and he just keeps eating. But grandma looks at him and says “What do you say when you do that?” The boy was confused for a second and then answered “aaaaahhhhhhh…”
This has happened a few times. I wish I could say I was slightly ashamed, but I’m not. I’m proud. Very darned proud.
Always in a grocery store, always at a quick pace to get to the end of the aisle, and just a slight pressure builds up. With every step just a little bit puffs out, leaving a slight wisp of earthy musk trailing behind. Doesn’t matter if the aisle is empty or occupied, it’s silent. It’s best when there are witnesses, you can see they smell…something…? But they’re not sure, and it’s not bad enough to make them run away.
I call it “crop dusting.” It always makes me giggle.
My younger stepson is learning to talk (and doing very well at it) and his shtick this morning was farting audibly, then announcing the fact. I figured I’d have a little fun with him and let a small one fly at breakfast. The rapid succession of confusion, then surprise, then glee on his face as he announced what I’d done was hilarious.
Excerpted from an MMP post I did late January…
I worked at a place when I was 22 or so that had 6 month reviews with the GM, dept head and your boss. As soon as I sat down they got an emergency call on the shop floor. They said hold tight ,we will be right back. They were gone for an hour or more and I had one brewing. I figured hell with it ,let her rip and it would dissipate before they got back. So I launched it and that very second they all came back in the office. It was horrible ,they get worse when they are held in for a long time. Fermentation.
It was a short interview.
I worked in a huge place with a long hallway between the shop and engineering. I was walking near the middle of the hall when I let a nasty one rip out. Then I quickly walked to the end of the hall. Just before turned the corner the owner and GM started down the hall. I heard them arguing about which of them ripped it.
A bunch of guys I used to work with in a warehouse setting used to find it funny to back a guy into a corner, fart, and then try to keep them pinned in the corner. One of these friends “Jim” and I during lunch hour liked to go into Barnes and Noble while it was dead and read magazines. Jim had his face in a cycle magazine and I wandered down to the other end of the rack. I was startled by some comotion and when I looked up Jim was apologizing profusely to an older woman who was walking away with a disgusted look on her face. He then approached me quickly with a beet red face, grabbed my arm, and said “we have to leave now”. Upon getting outside Jim said he thought I was still next to him and decided to do the “guy joke” thing and walk backwards into me, backing me into a corner, and then farting on me. He said he was terrified when in mid chuckle he looked up and saw me at the other end of the rack.
When I was a little kid my youngest aunt lived with us for a while. She was in her early 20s at the time and seriously dating. One night she had a date with a doctor who was definitely husband material, and they came back to the house. They were sitting on the sofa talking, when all of a sudden the unmistakable odor of a fart wafted through the air. This went on for several minutes. My aunt, assuming it was her date, was thinking of a tactful way to get him out of the house. The date, assuming it was my aunt, was thinking of a tactful way to get out of the house. Finally he just got up, thanked her for a lovely evening, and left, never to be seen again.
As soon as he left, the dog crawled out from under the sofa, still farting.
Just yesterday, by accident, I audibly farted in a public library. I thought it would be a silent, non stinky one, but it came out as a medium to high pitched rasper. One guy near me definitely heard it. The sound would have travelled further but luckily there were some kids playing and their noise drowned it out.
My husband was trying to be suave one night whilst handing me a glass of white wine, but he paused mid-stride to rip a big one. He is one of those oblivious farters. I’ve taken to keeping a big can of air freshener handy. He farts, I spray, no one gets hurt.