Will Somebody Please Stop the Farting?

The BBQ Pit
1

Friends, I ask you…what the F is up with all the farting this holiday season? In the past two days, I’ve experienced the lethal gas of strangers on several occasions, in several WRONG PLACES. My husband and I, having been married for eight years, fart like madmen at home, on the dog, during serious conversations, while watching sports, while knitting. The farts come fast and furious and I’ll admit it…mine smell like the fucking red death.

But PEOPLE…PEOPLE. There is a time and a god damn place.

First, we have the lovely young blonde lady who works in my building. I understand that the ladies room is (for some) an appropriate for releasing gas, but my lord, learn how to put the silencer on when the place is packed with other gals. She gets in there, lets out a BRRAAAAP from her petite, size four frame and I’m like “GOOD NIGHT IRENE…that smells like fucking rotten napalm.”

Ladies, learn from the master. Gently spread your asscheeks with your hands, opening the anal area, thus releasing a silent, non-giggle inducing fart, and here’s the most important part…INTO THE ALREADY FLUSHING TOILET. Don’t do it while you’re applying moss colored eyeliner at the vanity stand.

Then we have the scary sci-fi-movie-villain-like, cataracts-and-curry, five hundred year old Sage on the crowded train, eating some bright yellow Indian meal with his gnarled old hands and dirty fingernails…AND FARTING… FARTING… FARTING, right in my fucking face, LOUDLY, and smelling remarkably of digested and rotting bodies steeped in old indian spice.

PUT A FUCKING LID ON IT, BITCH…at least until you can step out of the undgerground, air tight tin can, packed full train.

And finally, in the piece de resistance…we get the FUCKING OLD LADY on the elevator. You heard me…the elevator, who obviously ate the brains of stray skunks, processed them for nutrients and then started lettin’ em loose through her faux fur parka like there’s no tomorrow.

It’s the HOLIDAYS people. PUT A FUCKING CORK IN IT before I puke all over your rectum.

2

So can we fart after New Year’s then?

3

Shouldn’t that be the brown (or possibly green) death?

4

Man - just yesterday I let a killer fly on the 'vator headed down.
Too bad no innocent victims were waiting at ground level, cause that baby is an express to 17 and above.

Silent farts are fine and good in a crowd - the kinda thing to bring a tear to your eye! But in the shitter, the more noise the better.

5

depends on the week I’m farting.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That was so gross I can barely stand it myself.

6

I’ll put my wife’s farts up against your “alleged” fred death anyday.

I think the term “can knock a buzzard off a shitwagon” applies.

7

all I’ll say is this. I farted on my dog yesterday and she got up, shook herself vigorously, and left the room for the remainder of the night.

8

I should be so lucky as to have a dog - dear Mrs Bubba has been known to…

Hang about…you farted on the dog? Deliberately? What the hell is wrong with you???

Sicko…

:smiley:

9

I think that a couple that can fart around each other and be comfortable with it is one of the highest forms of intimacy. My estranged wife and I would always congratulate each other on the real good ones or try to out do each other. I really miss that. I really need to find someone to fart with.

10

No wonder it’s “the windiest of cities”. :smiley:

11

Ya know, there’s a thread going on today about How do you Explain the SDMB to other people?

Well, I don’t. I can’t. I love you guys.

12

Someone send for the Bottom Inspectors :smiley:

13

Hmmm…curious. Almost 45 minutes, and lieu still hasn’t got wind of this thread. I’d thought he’d smell this one a mile away.

[sub]yeah, I know…but somebody was gonna do it sooner or later[/sub]

14

Then I suspect that your dog accessed your SDMB account today and started a Pit Thread titled “Will Somebody Please Stop the Farting?” Just thought you should know… :smiley:

15

superbee, I’m sure lieu doesn’t appreciate being the butt of your jokes.

16

Kinda makes me wonder why marge the wonder pup chomped on yer panties then. That’s a dog with a death wish.

17

Hilarious post, and I’m with you on the elevator and train concepts, but I would think that if ever there were an appropriate place to fart, it WOULD be the restroom. Don’t you think pulling your rectum apart with your hands and farting into the (water-wasting) already flushing toilet is a tad (pardon the pun) anal? My God, she’s in the restroom; let the poor woman fart. I’d suggest a little encouragement as well, like “Wow, that was a good one!”

18

Fifteen years together and I’ve NEVER farted in front of the ol’ man. He does enough for the both of us. I swear, he’s like a machine. When hubby, son, and hubby’s friend get together, I have to wear protective clothing and eye gear. A gas mask wouldn’t be overkill. They synchronize the farts. They harmonize. Then they get into the rapid fire. They disgust me.

19

My mother has a habit of letting of her famous SBD’s [sub](SBD’s = Silent But Deadlies)[/sub] in the middle of a dept. store or, even worse, at the checkout lines.

I remember vividly, I was about 14, waiting as our groceries were being rung up when all of the sudden, my eyes started to water, and my nose hairs all fell out. I looked up at my mother, who’s doing an academy award winning performance, acting like nothing has happened.

Meanwhile the cashier has also noticed that something’s not right in the state of Denmark, picks up the fryer chicken off the conveyor belt and say’s, “I think this is past it’s prime, I’ll have another one brought up.”

I’m about to snort cherry ICEE out of my nose, which, in hindsight, might’ve made it feel better by putting out the burning sensation, because I know this poor chicken is getting a bad rap, when it’s my mother who’s at fault for stench permeating the 10 foot radius surrounding us.
I love my mother dearly, but my nose hairs are twitching at the memory… Ugh!

20

That should read "letting one of her…

Sorry.