When psych hospitals fail....

The BBQ Pit
1

…what the fuck do you do then?

(Insert obligatory reference to newbie status/first pit thread here and plea for leniency. :))

Ok, some brief backstory. In April of '96 I had a nervous breakdown. Of course, I had no idea at the time that’s what it was and assumed it was some sort of physical affliction. For the next year, I chased after various specialists doing various tests, took more prescription drugs than I had in my entire life at that point (I was 28 then) and saw my very first round of therapists and psychologists.

Then, we all figured out it was mental instead. The fun really got started about that time. I went from holding down a full-time and a couple of part-time jobs to not working at all. Gave up college, my all-consuming softball hobbie (coughlifecough), volunteering and most of my friends. Needless to say, agoraphobia was my next move. Add to that, intense manic depression, obsessive compulsion, severe insomnia with night terrors, and ultimately, suicidalness.

Flash forward to December 2000 and me trying pathetically and unsuccessfully to slit my wrists. Nothing up til then had worked and things had only gotten worse (like my lack-of-employment status driving us to the brink of bankruptcy – fortunately now, we have no more “driving” to do 'cause we’re there already :(). I saw no end in sight. My husband stopped me and put my ass in a psych hospital, accounting for stay number one.

The only improvement I’d had in that interim was having bariatric surgery last November. It was one of my last ditch efforts for at least some re-gained self-esteem. Well, that part sorta worked, so I felt like maybe, just maybe, something else was out there for me (and by extension, my loved ones) besides pain and misery. Amazingly, this held true and in April of last year, things miraculously began improving. I have no idea why, but I was so GRATEFUL.

Anyway, since then I found a job. Outside my own house even! I drive again and [try to] balance my own check book which hasn’t happened in almost a half-dozen years (and I used to be the ultimate control freak miser!!). I was exercising daily and making friends again. Even started back down the path of volunteering. Everything, thankfully, was going wonderfully even with the ocassional set back here and there.

Then I hit a brick wall it seems.

I’d been continuing to have anxiety attacks once in a while, but nothing I couldn’t manage with medication and a weekly visit to my therapist. I tried so hard to stay on top of things. But sadly, those stupid ass things began to happen more frequently and as recently as Thanksgiving, were cycling like crazy. Before three weeks ago, I think I’d gotten up to something like possibly 3-4 a week.

And here’s the infuriating thing. NOTHING helped. They increased my prescription. Saw the doctor even more regularly and took her suggestions so to heart it was ridiculous. Got permission to miss a couple of days from work. Cut back on all my extracurricular activities (which with being overwhelmed is one of my biggest downfalls anyway) and aimed for lots of down time from friends and family.

Which leads me to now. Monday before last, a massive panic attack hit at work and I left early to go see my MD. She suggested an assessment at said (2nd) psychiatric hospital. From that, I ended up as an inpatient due to our silly excuse for insurance. I promised, again, to work my tail off to get whatever I could out of it and to find any way possible or available to learn how to cope.

Well, the problem with that is this placed fucking SUCKED!! There were only two group therapy sessions daily and usually monopolized by attention hounds. People needing serious, long-term help were pretty much SOL. If what you wanted couldn’t be wrapped up in about the time it takes to watch a sitcom, you were discouraged to really talk. Those, like me, that forged ahead regardless, usually ended up with either pop psychology (we had one “therapist” monologuing to a family group outing the wonderful wisdom of John Gray! :eek:) or no real answer for genuine problems.

Not to mention, the techs, nurses, etc. routinely treated everyone like Nurse Ratched having a really bad day. Condescending, dismissive and demeaning is the norm for them as a whole. Add to all that any truly disruptive patients running amok while the staff turns a blind eye (while popping back up to make certain major infractions aren’t allowed – like retaining your Q-tips five minutes past ‘check out’ time) and yet you have no recouse if you honestly NEED something, like an adjustment to your medication, an emergency session with your psychiatrist or a friggin’ trivial variation of your schedule. It boggles the mind. Ya know, the one I wasn’t playing fully with when I went in there. :smack:

So, I’ve obviously been released and have tons of notes on things that I’m praying will help my situation. I’ve lined up more support on the ‘outside’ in the form of groups (like NAMI and CoDA), switched psychiatrists and medications, will increase my therapy once more and lastly, try to remember to de-stress during my continuing partial patientness.

But…

I can tell right now that it’s not enough. I’m tired of fighting so hard for nothing more than the ability just to hold down a damn job that I drive myself to. I would like more out of life than the dream of NOT wanting an anxiety attack once a week! At almost 35, I’d like to feel like I’m not defined by this constant cloud of ineptness and depression. However, outside of completely giving up, I don’t know if I any longer feel this is possible. If I’ve now done the last thing available to me, the biggie, what else is left?? Permanent committment? Shock therapy? Suicide?

I don’t have a clue any more. But I’ve run out of hope and feel more like the fool portion of my name. I guess that’s why my lame rant is here. If anyone has any suggestions for me, I’ll honestly listen and entertain them all. I’ve got to do something quick or I’ll lose what little ground I’ve gained. And if that happens, I’m done. I already feel like I’m at the end of my rope (no pun intended) and I’m beginning to self-isolate again. I don’t want agoraphobia to only be one step beyond that. I’m so unbelievably terrified of going back there. Moreso though, I KNOW what is on the other side of that and right now, it’s incredibly appealing.

Shit. I just want any measure of sustained normalcy and a break from this perpetual hell. Or is that not possible for me?

2

I don’t think I can offer help so much as a parallel problem. I’ve been both an outpatient and an inpatient. I hated being an outpatient (we had an attention hound too) but the staff was generally OK. The inpatient was OK except for the 2nd time around the doctor pretty much said I didn’t need to be there (I checked in BEFORE the suicide attempt, this time), which might be true because I have BPD (read: highly manipulative, suicide for attn, woo labels are funnnn!). I don’t have anxiety attacks, perse, but I’m very sensitive to noise, touch, and sudden movement. Happened today at work and they thought I hurt myself accidently. I’m like “nope, just got nervous”. Hard to explain, I guess.

My advice is, never, ever stop taking your meds unless your doc tells you to stop taking them. I stopped in December, and have been a…not happy person since. Stick close to your husband; he’ll be VERY important in the coming days/months. Realize that Psych hospitals suck… Outpatient is iffy at best, and inpatient is only for extreme cases, just enough to get you not suicidal and back out. I found outpatient VERY annoying because it was never the same person. However, ours was 6 hours of work and 1 hour for lunch. Therapists help tons more, I hate group therapy. Keep your husband closest, then family, then close friends. Give yourself time. You need “you” time.

/Shadez

3

Thanks Shadez. Perhaps sometimes it’s just good to know that you’re not alone (although saddened by that fact as well – God, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy). And not to worry, I will/do keep my husband close. Hell, he’s the only one who truly understands and stays through it all despite having had enough himself. I just alienate everyone else. For example, I lie my ass off to most anyone else even tenatively involved so they don’t have to deal with my crap. It’s so getting old.

Plus, the isolation is enforced by the fact that my family (mother mainly) doesn’t really believe what all is going on with me. She’s laid out a butt-load of excuses (ie: I’m lazy and just don’t wanna work. I’m attention starved myself. I’m pretending I’m sick for _________ (fill-in-the-blank). And any others one can think of.) So, needless to say, I don’t want to be around her or any of her ilk that refuses to be even the tiniest bit open minded about mental illness.

Sigh. I guess outpatient and the like is as good as it gets.

4

Boy, do I understand this. I had my first nervous breakdown in college at 19 and was improperly diagnosed as schizoaffective… I was just in a psychotic episode of bipolar disorder that runs in my family. Outpatient is much preffered to inpatient as far as I am concerned… but let me make one thng really clear… if you consider shock therapy a solution to this… think hard and long and investigate every angle. I had 11 treatments, lost quite a bit of memory, cognitive thinking went down the drain, etc. Also, IANAD, but if I recollect correctly, it’s usually used for the depressive end of things, but not necessarily anxiety disorders. Keep in mind there are new medications coming out all the time, investigate them yourself and make suggestions to your doctor… they are not always on the cusp of everything. Your husband may need some support as well, www.nami.org has a lot of information on that end as well as research links. I’m sure I am forgetting something, but hang in there… it DOES get better. Feel free to email me… I think its enabled on here, if I can be of further assistance. I lurk alot, but when I see someone in pain similar to mine I like to try and reach out. hugs

Christina

5

Unfortunately, I’m in the same boat as Shadez, but maybe sharing stories will help.

I’ve had a couple what you might call nervous breakdowns. The first one happened a few years back. I wasn’t getting any psychiatric treatment at the time, so I was pretty much on my own. The first, and probably most important step seems to be simply realizing that it is psychiatric help that you need, and then trying to get it. I hadn’t reached that point at my first breakdown. I eventually did go to see a shrink, but I thought I was suffering from depression. He put me on wellbutrin and since I… well, more or less freaked out after the breakdown, I ended up living in a new environment, doing some different things, and that helped a bit.

Fast forward a couple years, and all the sudden I’m having TERRIBLE anxiety attacks on top of some on-and-off severe depressive episodes. This time, I knew that I needed to find some help. I had some really rotten experiences. I missed a LOT of work at a job I had just started, which really didn’t help things. My first psychiatrist I had to fire, because things were just terrible, and I didn’t know what to do. In the past, I’ve hesitated to call doctors/etc. outside of scheduled appointments so that I wouldn’t ‘be a burden’. But I realized that, hey, that’s what I’m PAYING these people for, they can help me, and I have hired them to do so. If they have to charge me extra, so be it, but I need their professional help. Well, this guy tried about 5 different meds on me within the first couple weeks. Wouldn’t let me have any benzo’s because I could get addicted. He then prescribed me antipsychotics, which ran me about $200… and didn’t do squat except make me overeat, after which point I would promtly pass out for 10-12 hours. Not very effective in getting me back to ‘normal’. Then I left a rather desperate message for the guy, told him we really needed to do something, and at least get me some xanax, ativan… SOMETHING so that I could treat the acute symptoms, and that I was in the middle of a severe attack and would probably have to go to the emergency room. He left a message for me the next day to the effect of ‘I don’t have time to deal with your problems day in and day out, stop calling me’. I left him another message and told him he was fired.

I eventually ended up in outpatient at a local psych hospital for about a week and a half. Only real benefit I saw was that I got to see a shrink more often than once a month. The group therapy was pretty pointless. Eventually the longer-term meds started kicking in and I started feeling better. I’m beginning to see a resurgence of my symptoms though, and I’m getting pretty worried about it.

And to take a cue from Christina, you are more than welcome to drop me a line if you want (email should be in my profile). One of the few things I’ve found that could help, at least in the short term, was talking to somebody who was going through, or had gone through something similar.

Hang in there, the waiting is the worst part, but eventually, you’ll find SOMETHING that will help. Just don’t stop trying.

6

Just wanted to thank everyone for offering help and insight. It really IS appreciated and I feel like I won’t actually give up although right now comes across as pretty hopeless. I may even take you guys up on those offers of emails. Heaven knows I could use some extra friends right now (but describing not wanting to “be a burden” is extremely accurate) who have been there and done that.

For the moment though, I think I’ll head to bed and not obsess over it. At least until morning. Maybe then my meds will kick in moreso than they have thus far (over a week and counting on the new ones – yay, right?). Again, I really am grateful for all the kindness. What’s Sofa to say about this in the Pit? So, just as an appropriate parting shot…

Fuck this shit! I hate, hate, hate it!!!

How’s that?

7

Hi, hopefool, and welcome to the board.

I’m a former psych patient, uh, victim of the mental health sysem myself.

Did you know there is a movement of the severely dissatisfied amongst us?

In fact, there are multiple movements. There is a “consumer’s movement” which is in favor of more patient input on advisory groups and for providing feedback about the quality of care provided by psychiatric services, but whose membership is still mainly people who wish to receive psychiatric services – kind of like a Consumer’s Union for psychiatric patients; and…

There is also a radical movement of flat-out antipsychiatric activists. That would be where I’m at. We think they lie. We think they do not know what they are doing, that they are messing aroung with dangerous chemicals and destructive practices while running institutions that are astonishly inhumane and coercive; that they have way too much power to impose treatment involuntarily; that they and their sponsors the pharmaceutical industry pretend to far more knowledge of the etiology / prognosis / mechanism and whatnot of “mental illnesses”, most of which are inadequately defined for clinical medical or research purposes.

Our end of the movement would like to impose “truth-in-advertising” restrictions on what they can claim about their ability to treat specific ailments like “schizophrenia”, “bipolar disorder”, “depression”, etc; we want to establish the unimpeded and undiluted right of anyone who prefers to go untreated to retain their mental state (whatever it may be) if they are not violating any laws that would apply to everyone else, and to receive only the punishments and restrictions that would be imposed on anyone else who had violated those laws (i.e., equal protection for schizzies and other psychiatrically labeled people); we seek to raise consciousness in the general public about the true nature of psychiatry, psychiatric institutions, and psychiatric treatment; and perhaps most widely agreed upon, we oppose forced treatment.

You can read a bit more about the movement on my web page. If you want to know more about the consumer’s movement I’ll look up some links for you on that too.

I can also supply you with a reading list. You are not alone and there are people who know what it’s like!