In your experience if someone you are possibly interested in tells you they have “trust issues” is that usually a red flag, or no big deal?
Id say its a potential red flag in that its can be code for ‘I expect you to do something so I can trust you’. Ie its giving you responsibility for helping with the issue, rather than just simply informing you about something. And it suggests its something they view as a long term issue.
But the details are obviously fairly important. Why do they have them, how long, what are they asking of you and of themselves, how have you found them to be to date, etc.
Otara
It’s a red flag because it means things may be complicated. The person may have emotional baggage associated with previous relationships. It’s not a show stopper though.
It’s two red flags because if they have a problem they should be able to articulate it in a more effective manner than just using some BS conversational shorthand for it.
Emotional baggage indeed.
I personally have “trust issues” due to having been royally screwed over a couple of years ago. I’m currently trying to readjust to being with someone who gives me no reason to distrust her, but it requires me to be vigilant in my thinking and to suppress acting on some unpleasant emotions that she does not deserve to be on the receiving end of.
I guess a bit of an amber flag, from my experience, should have been that the girl who ruined my life for a while told me that she had trust issues due to having been screwed over herself. Being someone not prone to self examination, after a while she “naturally” assumed that I was untrustworthy, leading to her believing that I was being unfaithful to her; which incorrect belief led to her exacting “revenge” on me by being unfaithful herself.
So I guess it’s not a deal-breaker per se, but is an issue; how bad an issue is down to the individual and how impulsive or self-aware they are.
I would run away fast! My last girl friend had trust issues and everything thing was a hassle.
A person who utters this phrase is probably a narcissist who thrives on drama. Stay far away…
I am sorry for those who hear the catch phrase and immediately compartmentalize the person as not being worthy of being given a chance or the hope they could explain what that means.
Heck, look at my rape thread. And compound it with the fact that my husband turned out to be gay. I’ll add that my last boyfriend cheated on me with prostitutes in Central America.
Sure, I have trust issues but not to an extent that “everything would be a hassle” as it apparently was for Khadaji.
Don’t Ask gets it; for some of us, it is simply a fact in our lives that we have been deceived and hurt, but not entirely debilitating or a deal-breaker to an otherwise healthy and substantive relationship.
Who ***hasn’t ***been deceived or hurt?
A person who says thy have “trust issues”:
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Thinks they are in a minority. This stems from self-centeredness. They need to get over themselves.
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Automatically distrusts every person they meet; they require everyone to prove they are worthy of their trust. This stems from self-centeredness. They need to get over themselves.
Like I said above, stay far far away from people who utter phrases like this, as there is a very high probably they turn out to be self-centered, high-maintenance, lots-of-emotional-baggage drama queens.
A person who isn’t specific might want to be honest without revealing the reasons behind his trust issues. They could be worried about responses like the ones given by Khadaji and Crafter_Man.
I have “trust issues” and I am in no way ready to tell anybody why. This thread is making me think that I should just keep that problem to myself.
What, you don’t trust us to be sympathetic? ;).
Part of the problem is the phrase itself. Tell someone you have “trust issues” and it sounds a bit like you are self diagnosing a psychological problem. You may get a reaction similar to someone who proclaims themselves to have Asberger’s when they’re just introverted. On the other hand if you were to let a prospective partner know that you’ve been hurt in the past and find it takes time to get close to someone you may get a more favourable response, but really if you can’t tell someone about yourself openly and/or they can’t accept your “trust issues” then your relationship is probably a non-starter anyway right?
Trust issues are HUGE. Money issues can be solved because they are easily qualified. You have XXX amount and need YYY amount.
Trust? What does that mean? The whole point of a relationship is TRUST. If you can’t trust someone what have you got?
It’s like buying a house. If someone said, “Oh the kitchen sink has issues, but the house is solid other than that?” You’d probaby buy the house. If someone said, “Oh yeah the foundation of the house has issues,” you’d run away in a heartbeat.
Trust is the foundation of a relationship.
I wouldn’t reject that person but I’d keep the relationship 100% casual while that person goes to therapy to work out their trust issues.
Those issues can be overcome, but you don’t want to be their homework
What **Crafter_Man **said.
The phrase isn’t shorthand for “I’m recovering from a bad relationship & may need a little more time to feel ‘safe’ around you.”. It’ shorthand for “I see the world through a lens of everyone being out to get me and I know everyone always cheats; I dare you to prove me wrong.”
Run away. Run far far away.
And for folks who *have *had it rough & need a little more TLC to open up, for Og’s sake do not use that phrase. You’ll chase off anyone decent with any desire or capacity for emotional stability.