There are no Tornadoes that kill people in your hometown.
My link is to the Blade…
The article URL:
The first cellular dead spot that came to my mind was Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, where two characters were trapped on the roof of a building – possibly the only location in all of Los Angeles without magnificent reception – because they needed some bickering-now-but-on-the-path-to-love time.
Damn! This is not the prop newspaper I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be that one with the last page that says “SPORTS,” but the O is a globe. I’m not the only one who has noticed that before, right?
If your car is in an accident, it may explode in a gigantic, almost nuclear fireball. This is because television gas tanks are made out of paper, perched close to several ignition sources and capable of being punctured by bad thoughts.
If you are a woman and you are wearing a black leather skirt you are most likely a prostitute or dominatrix.
If you so much as bump a window it will shatter into a million deadly daggers. Unless you are lucky enough to be thrown right through this window, you will likely be decapitated by the falling glass.
Your kitchen cupboards are arranged so that although certain brands are recognizable, the labels are never facing outwards. (And this one I don’t get- why aren’t companies paying to establish TV characters as brand-loyal?!) A box of KD is a box of KD but will always be positioned in such a way that you never see it in “showcase” view.
Tough young gang members will ask you if you are lost or will tell you to get lost but will never tell you to fuck off or they’ll cut your fucking balls off. A man who stubs his toe will say “OUCH!” as opposed to “Fuck me in the goatass!” As a prime example, the new William Shatner comedy $#!% My Dad Says: “I’m sure you’re a very nice… homosexual. It looks like two squirrels fornicating. Vagina.” SHIT My Dad Says: “Look, we’re basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job’s to help people shit or fuck, it’s not that important, so relax.”
You have no compass, my friend. Look to the four points and wonder why you haven’t now, stand in the place you were… now stand North.
Unless you are the hero of the show, in which case you will survive with just a few scratches that are easy for the show’s makeup artists.
You will move on, in the next scene, to kick ass and not bother taking names.
No matter how skilled the bad guys are, they will wait, politely, in line, waiting for you to finish kicking one bad guy’s ass (or if you’re a really badass hero, two bad guys at a time) so the hero can get to their ass in an orderly fashion.
If you’re the man or woman in charge of a spaceship/aircraft-carrier or something like that and a subordinate calls you up on the comm and says “Captain, you must come to engineering: there’s something you gotta see”, you don’t ask them to give you a clue as to what it might be, but say “I’m on my way”, no matter how crucial the action might be at that point in time.
When having a bath, you must always submerge yourself backwards, preferably keeping your eyes open as you go under.
If you’re a cop and you’re two weeks from retirement… be very, very careful.
(This one is doubly true if you happen to live in a movie.)
I was watching a interview with a lighting director on a “Making of . . .” portion of a DVD, and he said he was asked once where all this light was supposed to have come from. He said he replied, “The same place as the music.”
The exception that proves the rule: Night Court’s Judge Harry Stone.
If you are a member of Starfleet DO NOT WEAR A RED SHIRT!!!
And whatever you do, unless you’re suicidal, don’t let a Cartwright boy fall in love with you!! 
Women can get pregnant, carry the baby full term, and then give birth in a stalled elevator in the space of 15 minutes.
And while giving birth you’re screaming and cursing at your husband.
Your friends, co-workers, and casual acquaintances (and anybody else whose name is in the opening credits) will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with you rather than with their own families.
And if you move, get a new job, open your own business, or change schools, they will all follow you like the gang of stalkers they apparently are.
However, if you’re female you will inevitably trip, and probably twist your ankle.
-Joe
If you are invited to a wedding, there is about a 50% chance that the wedding will not actually take place. Even if it does, somebody in attendance will interrupt the ceremony with either:
- A declaration of love to the bride or groom,
- An apology for some past behavior followed by forgiveness/reconciliation on the spot, or
- A random drunken outburst.
Not true! Sometimes a rude guy will interrupt by running up behind the good guy - at which point he’ll get the Black Power Fist to the face.
-Joe
snork A former client of mine was once shadowed on the job by a crew taking photos for a “Day in the Life” photo essay for (IIRC) Life magazine. He was a garbage collector. The photo essay included a shot of him eating breakfast, with his SAHwife in the background in her cute robe, with a full brekkie of chunks of mixed fruit, juice, coffee, toast, eggs, bacon, etc. Later both he and his wife confessed that she never, ever made breakfast for him, and that he usually ate plain oatmeal he made himself in the microwave!