If real life was like t.v.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

  1. Relief-seekeing customers would walk into a pharmacy and announce their hemorrhoid problems to perfect strangers.

  2. Every bed would be fitted with special L-shaped blankets that reveal the man’s chest but not the woman’s.

  3. The most virulent space aliens could be fended off with an ordinary CO² kitchen fire extinguisher.

  4. The villain would never personally finish off the good guy, he would leave that task to some incompetent boob of a henchman- but not before revealing his whole diabolical plan & the means by which it may be thwarted.

Don’t make me get Glenda on your ass.

2

I aimed for MPSIMS, but I missed. Somebody please clean up the mess for me?

3

All products would be referred to by the brand name and people, even complete strangers, would gladly volunteer testimonials on how effectively they work and offer free samples.

Everyone in a room would always sit or stand facing the same wall.

Every business or organization, regardless of its size, would have five to ten employees who do everything in the business.

Everyone would always wear the exact same outfit. (Cartoons only)

The more evidence there is that a person is guilty of a crime, the more likely he or she is to be innocent.

99% of all sex would be between people having sex for the first time together.

Wackiness would be much more common. In fact, every residence would either contain a wacky family or individual or have a wacky family or individual living next door.

Everyone would find blondes more attractive than brunettes.

4

Everyone driving an automobile would would look directly at their passengers when speaking to them, regardless of how long it takes them to say it.

All automobiles would have lights along the bottom of the dash to evenly illuminate the front seat passengers faces.

Very few homes would have television sets.

“I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.”

5

. Everyone would “meet cute” and get married after a whirlwind courtship.
. Single guys would all live with a couple of hot babes and a wacky guy friend.
. After getting pregnant, you give birth in highly comical circumstances (in an elevator with a group of fascinated onlookers). Then you put the kid on the school bus and he is not seen again until he is a rebellious teenager.
. All young girls would leave their small hometown for the big city right after graduation; get many interesting, diverse jobs and make many interesting, diverse friends; live with a wacky roommate in an enormous apartment with a view of the Empire State Building/Golden Gate Bridge/ocean/other major landmark.

  • Everyone would have a genteel, well-dressed, well-coiffed mother who plays tennis at the country club. Everyone would have a kindly befuddled dad who calls his son “sport” and daughter “princess”. The parents would have been married for 27 years and are thinking of moving to a condo in Florida.
  • No matter how badly you screw up at work, not to worry, somehow things will turn themselves around and the boss will think you are a genius.
  • Should your child have a minor sort of pet (turtle, goldfish, praying mantis) and it dies while he or she is in school, you are honor bound to move heaven and earth to find a replacement before the child gets home.
6

Whatever brand-name food product you are consuming at any given time will be the center of the universe and priority one over anything else. You’d think nothing of trading your newborn son for the last candy bar or selling your diabetic grandmother’s insulin for a bowl of some breakfast cereal.

7

Okay, gang. This one is destined for MPSIMS, but before the board police catch it let’s not mix medias.
You’re blending cheesy sitcoms with cheesy commericals.
In the meantime, as long as this lasts in GQ let’s wish TUBA a Happy Birthday!

8

Your cell phone will work anywhere, in a parking garage, an elevator, even down a mineshaft.

Unless you need it.

You can speak on a cell phone while driving a convertible at high speed through city traffic, and be able to hear the other end of the conversation perfectly. In fact, your passenger can hear it, too.

“I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.”

9

Oh, yes. And an ordinary handgun will be able to fire seventeen to twenty-six rounds, regardless of its type.

“I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.”

10

Of course, I would be having amazing sex with 12 different beautiful women, each with perfect tan, tits, hair and wearing tight revealing clothing. None would ever stop by unexpectedly and not know anything about the others, except for the three who enjoy bisexuality and threesomes. Each week one would uncover my philandering and I would comically set things right, or meet a new equally scintilating lady.

I, of course, drive a BMW and have access to expensive SUVs and Convertibles anytime depending on the weather requirements at the time. I am witty, well groomed and dressed 24 hours a day. I work a total of 2.5 hours a week to maintain my jetset lifestyle and afford exclusive dinners with my ladies, and frequently appease them with expensive jewelery and rare antiques.

11

So you like to watch, eh ?

12

Busted

13

Unfortunately, you wouldn’t actually be having sex with those 12 women. The most that would happen is that you’d be in a romantic situation with those women, maybe end up in bed with those women with one of opus’s L-shaped blankets, but then the commercial would come and nothing would happen. Sorry.

Now if life were like a porn movie . . . but that’s a different thread.

14

Everyone would referr to everyone else by first and last names. Not that this is necissary, because names like “Blake” and “Connor” are much more common, for both genders.

No one ever has to cook. Everyone eats out all the time. No one ever worries about money, unless it is for drugs or alchohol.

Dogs are always smarter then people. They never attack anyone, unless you are a rag-tag group of youngsters and there is a junkyard dog that terrorizes the neighborhood.

There is never a shortage of pretty people to date.

I want to live in my TV, dammit.

Habit rules the unreflecting herd. - Wordsworth

15

Everyone apparently has an independent income equal to approximately what they make in their job, since otherwise they would never be able to afford those huge apartments and houses, not to mention the maid service that would be necessary to keep them that clean. And of course there’s the money necessary to afford those nice cars and to have them regularly cleaned.

No one has piles of books or clothes sitting around their home, nor toys on the floor, nor dishes in the sink, nor a computer in sight. For that matter, no one spends any significant amount of timing reading or chatting online.

Everyone has three or four hours a day of free time to hang out with their friends or have wacky adventures or to give their children wise advice.

Everyone is either married to a wacky spouse or is dating a new person every week or is gay. No one could possibly be celibate for more than about a month.

Every child is an incipient screenwriter able to come up with clever comments on the spur of the moment.

16

No one would ever spend more than a tiny fraction of their day at their job, yet would always have all the money they needed.

Not that they ever have to pay any bills.

They would never have to go grocery shopping, no one but George Costanza would ever have to go to the bathroom, and every phone call they ever receive would be from the one person they were waiting to hear from.

Oh, and when they go to sleep, the instant their bedroom lights are turned out, their faces are immediately illuminated with a mysterious bluish (but bright) light.

How annoying would that be?

“You should tell the truth, expose the lies and live in the moment.” - Bill Hicks

17

Familys of 6 or more would crowd around half the dinner or breakfast tabel (one of each, of course) leaving the other half free so you can see each person sitting around said table.

All former pro athletes are former alcoholics.

Cars will always start the first time, except in emergencies, then they will not start until the very last possible moment.

Guys who look like Drew Carey will date girls that look like Jamie Lee Curtis.

A waitress (and your food) would come quickly to your table. (In some cases, before you even ordered it)

The “prick” that you work with/works for the government/won’t let you do the right thing will get his just desserts in the end.

Famous people are easily approached at any time, hang out in the regular places, just like you. And if you meet one, you’ll become fast friends and invited back to chat at their mansion/hotel room/somewhere exotic.

Getting time off work or a leave of asbence is no problem. In fact, you only have to go to the workplace when A: You feel like it or B: That’s where your latest wacky adventure takes place.

People with no visable means of income will have plenty of moeny for rent, food etc. But they will not be on any kind of government assistance

My fate keeps getting in the way of my destiny.

18

Police cars could race through crowded city streets without ever hitting anything other than a fruit stand, which will always produce comical results.

All saloon chairs are strong enough to support extraordinarily heavy people, but will splinter into a million pieces when broken over somebody’s back.

19

  1. Your neighbor’s kids get involved with drugs, or some other crime, (In a “Very Special Episode”) but not YOUR kids.

  2. You can be replaced by someone who looks nothing like you and no one will ever notice. (Darrin on Bewitched; Becky on Roseanne [though D.J. noticed and it fucked him up for the rest of his life]; Lois Lane on the 50’s Superman show)

  3. No matter what time of day it is, you can always park right in front of the building you’re visiting, unless NOT finding a parking space is funnier.

  4. If you’re a cartoon character, you never age. And your voice may change for no apparent reason. In fact, your voice may sound strangely similar to someone else’s.

  5. You only have one problem every week and it’s always resolved in less than thirty minutes.

>< DARWIN >
__L___L

20

Lifes little problems would become huge catastrophes, but then be resolved in 24 minutes. Unless of course, it is a “to be continued” episode. Then it takes a total of 48 minutes.

Everyone would sleep with everone else, and be shocked to find out about the “scandal” when it is all revealed.

If you are a beatiful 22 year old woman, it is completely possible for you to be an expert martial artist and a doctor, a lawyer, a nuclear physicist, or all of the above, with over 10 years of experience.

If you are a handsome 22 year old man, it is entirely possible that you can be an alcoholic divorced bitter police detective with skills in computer programming and/or foreign languages.

Everyone who looks to be of Asian descent is a martial arts expert, but not as good as the American guy who is a private eye.

Getting shot in the arm or leg hurts, but bleeds very little and is of minimal hindrance to the victim.

Police officers don’t actually enforce the law, they make it up as they go along… (wait, that’s only on TV right?)

If you are forced to fight multiple foes, they won’t attack you all at once and kick your ass, they simply attack you one at a time while the others dance around you in a threatening manner.

You can blow up a car by shooting the gastank with a shotgun.

You never take a shit.
You never take a piss.

You never work for more than 1 minute a day. The rest of your time is spent socializing and resolving the 24 minute crisis.

You never get drunk and beat up your landlady.

I am sure there are more things but I ran out of them.
Noonch.

how did it start? well i don’t know i just feel the craving. i see the flesh and it smells fresh and it’s just there for the taking…
VvvV