I’m starting to rethink this. Up until recently, whenever I would recount the great loves of my life I would only count the reciprocal relationships. I basically insisted to myself that if love were “true” it would work both ways and that if it didn’t work both ways then it was just an illusion, a crush, or an obsession.
But now I start to think of a couple of people who I had very very strong feelings for who never returned my affections. After going through the experience, getting hurt, and getting over it, I had always told myself that these “loves” weren’t real, that I had been fooling myself. Now I’m not so sure. Now I kinda think that this was love to. It wasn’t the most productive kind of love, but still, there was a person who simply by being herself stirred up strong emotions within me.
So, how about you? When you recount the great loves of your life (“great” in the sense of “big” or “significant”, not necessarily “enjoyable”), do you count the unrequited loves?
I met a girl, from out of town, at a “concert” (of the rock variety) one night. We danced together and hung around and talked and kissed a couple of times. We had a great night together. I have fonder memories of her than I have of my second wife. Now I understand that this kind of “relationship” doesn’t compare to real life with all its bumps and bruises, but it is still a part of my psyche and influences my behaviour.
I am a big believer of the principle that we can never end relationships with anyone, we can only change their form. Everyone you have ever known continues to effect you whether you see them or not.
So, yes every relationship counts. Even if it only happened in your head it’s still 100% real.
I always filed my big unrequited loves under obsession…
I had a couple that were definitely on the verge :dubious:
Totally. THE great love of my life - lasting a decade and still counting - was unrequited. Love is love, regardless of whether it’s reciprocal or not.
Actually, it would have to count. I’ve never had a Great Love that was not unrequited. The only two relationships I’ve actually had that were sort of boyfriend/girlfriend were not emotionally deep. I fear I may be unable to have a really good emotional relationship with a lover.
I must be a mutant.
I guess it depends on why you’re recounting them. If you’re discussing the people who made a significant impact an the way you choose relationships, then they may well be relevant.
I had a major thing for a guy in college that lasted about a year. We’ll call him Alex, because that was his name. We were “good friends” and had a smooching session every now and again, but he clearly didn’t want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with me. I first became interested in him because I found him physically attractive, but as I got to know him, I came to really appreciate many of his good qualities as a person–his interests, his ethics, his kindness. Prior to him, I had dated a lot of guys, but didn’t really consider compatibility, or even whether I really respected them. I dated guys who were fun and/or sexy and/or novel in some way. After my time with Alex (or without him, ha ha) I dated very few guys. In fact, other than a few flings that I had out of sheer boredom, the only guy I really dated was similar personality-wise to Alex. (He was actually a buddy of his.)
I met my husband a few years later. He has all the qualities I admired about Alex, plus many more! I’d like to think that my “unrequited love” caused me to change my priorities about what I valued in a partner. Or at least to more quickly recognize the things that were deeply important to me if I was going to make a signifigant emotional investment in someone.
I’m really grateful to Alex–because he didn’t like me as more than a friend! It kind of sucked at the time, but it also meant that my life took a different direction than it might have taken if I had been with Alex. Alex was a great guy, but my husband is 100 times more fun and funny and interesting than Alex ever was!
So, to summarize, unrequited loves can count, if they’re relevant to the topic at hand. As I said, if we were discussing people that made a significant impact on us, I would include Alex. If we were recounting ex-boyfriends, I wouldn’t.
If I wasn’t counting unrequited love, I’d hardly have anything to count at all. Out of necessity, I’d include them.
But expanding beyond that rationale, I think that one-way love can indeed be a Great Love. In fact, I’ve come to the opinion that it’s perfectly fine to have one-way love. Sometimes, it’s enough just to love, without being a return recipient. I’d agree with Green Bean that if the unrequited loves are relevant, then they must be counted. I’d also say that most of those unrequited loves have some effect and some relevance, whether a person recognizes it or not.
Make that “only two relationships” part into “one date with a girl” and that’s my life exactly.
C’est la vie.