When your children are ashamed of you

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My children attend a private school in our neighborhood. Ivylad and I have sacrificed much to get them into this school, mainly because the county public school system sucks.

This morning I offered to drive my children to school, because my son had some extra things to carry for one of his classes. Normally the children walk, since the school is that close.

My son declined, saying, “We’re accustomed to walking.”

That seemed a strange comment, so I pressed him. Turns out, he’s ashamed of me. Or mainly, my car.

I drive an 89 Dodge Shadow, with a cracked front bumper and in dire need of a paint job. But, I don’t have a car payment, it gets good gas mileage, and it gets me to work

Apparently some of the students have been teasing him about my car, calling him trailer park trash.

I told him that his father and I felt it was more important that they stayed in school than I had a new car.

I know about teenage peer pressure. I know about wanting to fit in. I see the other cars the parents drive, the Jaguars and the Cadillac Escalades. But I also see the bigger picture, that my children are getting a quality education that my husband and I are making work, financially, with a pinch here and a snip there.

But, dammit, it still hurts. I don’t want my son teased for something beyond his control. I don’t want him to feel inferior among the other students. And I don’t want him to be ashamed of me.

2

Well, he could always tell them that you’re driving the maid’s car 'cause it’s just so dang sporty!
Just a thought… :wink:
For the record, I think you’re doing a wonderful thing. If he needs to walk a while until he learns that appearances aren’t everything, then let him walk. Good luck.

3

Kids will tease if they find something to tease about. I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s unpleasant, but there’s really nothing to be done about it, except maybe avoid it by letting him walk.

4

That, I am afraid, is impossible. It’d happen whatever car you drove. It’s just kids. It’s horrible but it’s universal. I’m afraid for my little girl and her social life, and she’s only two… I think you’re doing very well to cope with the dramas of an older kid at all!

You can do something about this one, though. I went to a private school and though I never really fitted, I was aware of my worth. I had a good sense of who I was and of why it didn’t matter that some stupid social system wasn’t interested in me. The school, sadly, ended up more about the social system than about the teaching, but for most of my time there it was worth it.

It’ll be okay. :slight_smile:

5

Yes, it will be okay. Once they mature, they’ll realize all you’ve done for them, and then you’ll want to make sure they don’t feel guilty for the way they acted in their teenage years! This is common behavior in teens. Dave Berry and Erma Bombeck (and I’m sure many others) have written often about this dilemma, in very amusing ways.

MizQuirk

6

Be glad that you have a crappy car. Kids will always find a reason to be embarassed by their parents - at least if they focus on your car it doesn’t feel quite so personal.

However, if you absolutely must do something about this situation, send in your sob-story to MTV’s Pimp My Ride. Your kids will be the envy of the school when they can hear the bass thumpin’ from your kids’ in-car Playstation games from 3 miles away. :slight_smile:

7

Ivy, it’s getting through the teenage years that makes us adult. Sounds simple, but it’s the truth. The way you raise your kids probably won’t be recognised by them for some time. Maybe sooner than later, that would be nice. See I get them when they enter college. As a college instructor at a fairly well-to-do private institution, I see all kinds. Kids with scholarships, trust fund babies, silver platters…And you know one thing, those kids paying their own way…doing the hard way sometimes, are much more appreciative on a whole. You are doing the right thing, and I commened you. Please don’t fret, your a good mom!

8

Ivy, I work at a public school on a side of town where the parents are pretty well off, and it’s no different here. I see kids dropped off daily by the Escalade, the Jeep 4 by 4, even the occaisonal Lexus, and they all slouch down in the passenger seat to avoid being seen by anyone with social clout. I think it’s " not cool" to be dropped off at school by your parents, for one thing, and I think being seen with your parents who are, by definition, geeks, is also frowned upon by those who weild the power. The kids scurry away from the car, no matter what the model, like rats from a sinking ship.

9

You guys make me feel better. :slight_smile:

I know he’s just 14, and he did say, “No offense, Mom,” before he told me about the car. I’m not mad at him, just hurt.

I haven’t decided yet whether to discuss this further with him, such as people who judge him based on what type of car his parents drive are stuck-up doo-doo heads or just let it go. I guess having embarrassed teenagers just goes with the territory.

10

weild? wield.

11

You won’t feel so bad when your teenagers smash up the crappy car!

12

It’s part of life’s great plan that teenagers be embarrassed by their parents. If it wasn’t the car, it would be something else.

This thread gives me an excuse to tell one of my favorite stories, which I stole from a Dave Barry column.

A man and his daughter were walking down a street in New York City. The man began to sing softly. “Pleeeeeeeeeeease, Daddy, don’t sing,” the daughter implored, “you’re embarrassing me.”

The man was Billy Joel.

13

Poop, ivylass. I’m sorry.
I have a similar situation. Elderpoet is in a regular public high school, but it has one of the best jazz programs around. He’s good. He’s very, VERY good–far better than I can even really comprehend because I don’t “get” jazz.
Anyway, it’s become obvious over the last couple of years that most of the kids in his band classes have a lot more money than we do. I deliver papers to some of these families, for heaven’s sake. His first girlfriend had a Bentley. That sort of thing.
And besides that (he never tires of mentioning this), I’m weird. I’m a hippie (whatever that means to a 17 year old), and I make soap and candles and stay home most of the time and stuff.
In his more reflective moments, he seems to understand that I’ve made the choices I’m made because they directly affect how happily we live, and that wealth is less important to me than “stuff” is. I’m not sure he’s embraced the whole notion yet (although his younger brother certainly has, which is kind of endearing), but he may get there yet. He’s recently begun discussing music as a career, with the caveat that he would teach in order to pay bills, so that he can perform on his off time.
Sorry to be long-winded–this is a tough subject for me too. Just know you’re not alone, and that you’re doing the right thing. And of course, everyone else is right–kids will be embarrassed no matter how cool we are.
Hang in there.

Hugs,
karol

14

I second trying to get on the “Pimp My Ride” show. :smiley:

15

I certainly see why it would hurt. I wouldn’t worry about it much. Teens are always embarrased of their parents, it is part of being a teen. You can always use it to make him behave:

“If you don’t stop that, I’m gonna drive you to school EVERY day this week - wearing my robe and fuzzy slippers. AND I’m gonna get out and kiss you goodbye.” :smiley:

It does hurt, but I say let it go. He loves you, I’m sure.

16

Failing that, sometimes they will make something up. I got teased in summer camp once for having an artificial penis. Did/do I have one? Was there ever any actual indication that I did or didn’t? Course not. Didn’t matter to them.

Oh, and we were decently poor, too. Once we “got rich”, my parents didn’t spend much of it on appearance (they got a house, but they also got the mortgage that came with it). I didn’t know about the $X we’d gotten until it came time for expensive schools (another thread entirely). I’m sure there would be lovely stories about vacations to our house in Belgium or something, or my first '57 Chevy or my father falling off his yacht the first time he took it out for a spin, or the plastic surgery my mother got, but … as my mother puts it, I won’t have to worry about them scraping by in later years. I also don’t have to put up with garbage about what we drive/how we look anymore.

17

THe miracle here is that your son was already a teenager and

a) was not already utterly humiliated by the mere fact of your existence, particularly driving him to school

and b) that he actually seemed to need a reason, and one unrelated to anything you are personally yet, to be embarassed!

I thought the very definition of adolescence in America was wishing that you had been hatched. It certainly was for me (back in the Stone Age), and I loved and love my parents very much.

Good Lord, IvyLass, I’d think at the very least he’d be embarassed that you support Bush! If all that embarasses him about you is your car, I’d say you’re in teenage parent heaven! After all, your car doesn’t in any way define you. Although you may want to point out that actually, being poor is far cooler (albeit not nearly as pleasant) as being rich. Have you ever heard of a prominent person of any age bragging about how rich s/he was as a kid?

18

Actually, no. We’re raising our own little crop of libertarian-conservatives, and we have a secret plan to take over the world!!! :smiley: (narf)

I do like Khadji’s suggestion, and I might threaten him with that. He stopped wanting me to kiss him in front of his friends about four years ago.

Now I know why some animals eat their young.

19

Ivylass, you could rent Uncle Buck and make the teen sit and watch it with you. Things could be worse. :slight_smile: Then explain that “rich people” only have bigger bills and the Escalades and Lexuses are probably all lease. :wink:

20

Ivylass, try asking your son if it’s better to talk the talk or walk the walk.

And file this away for a special day when you will drive him to school in something outrageous. :smiley: