When I first got cable TV, I was thrilled. My TV was no longer just a way to tune out reality and cauterize my frontal lobe. I could use it actually learn stuff. Discover stuff. Discover history. Get recipes. Watch classic movies. Hell, even when I wanted mindless drivel, I could watch music videos.
But given current trends, this will soon no longer be possible. So, using your Sylvia Brown-like amazing psychic powers, tell us what you think a typical weeknight lineup might look like in the year 2014. My guess:
The Learning Channel: She wore THAT dress? Eww!
The Discovery Channel: Monster Tea Cozies
The History Channel: Let’s Reupholster Hitler’s Couch
Food Network: Emeril, Still Live, Dammit. 24 Hours a Day
A&E: Biography: An Inside Look at Someone Not Yet Born
Nick: All Spongebob, All Year
D-Sci: More Monster Tea Cozies
FNC: Die, Commie Liberals, Die
VH1: I Love Last Week
I’ve moved this thread to MPSIMS. The other choice might have been Cafe Society, but since it’s discussing hypothetical (and comedic) shows, MPSIMS seemed the appropriate choice.
Thanks, UncleBrewski. I thought it might be such a fun thread that it would get immediate and voluminous responses. Instead it was devoured by the evil hamsters of inattentiveness.
Up next on Sci-Tech: When Evil hamsters of Inattentiveness Chew Up So-So OPs.
I predict that there will be new, serious cable channels, created to recapture the spirit of channels that strayed from their original niche market. For instance, we’ll have the Science Channel, which would have serious science-related programming, like the old Discovery Channel. There might be a new Performing Arts Channel, in the spirit of the old Bravo, which is now trying to create a niche as a network appealing to gay men.
However, the Science Channel and others like it will get a great deal on In Search Of and Ancient Mysteries, the Performing Arts Channel will start airing performances of men’s choruses and Ani DiFranco concerts, and the channels will start MTV2ing their way to the mass market. After which, the Physics Channel and the Culture Channel hit the air …
This is the only time I can think of of a thread being moved out of the pit.
Anyway, on Saturday Mornings, we’ll have…
ABC: “Recess.” Live Action upcoming-talent series leftover. “Recess.” Golf.
WB & Fox: Anime dueling/fighting series. Rerun cartoon from 1996. Anime dueling/fighting series. Ghost in the shell: the Series. (Preempted for sports. Then canceled.)
Nickelodeon: The series finale of “Hey Arnold,” produced in 1999. (Preempted for Spongebob)
Come to think of it, in the future, I think they’ll start canceling series not just during the season, but as the show is being broadcast. The screen will go blank for a second, cut to a test pattern, and then to a mid-season replacement that’s being filmed live.
Hollywood will not only continue it’s trend of canceling the few really good series that make it to air…but they will begin canceling them preemptively, before they can even be filmed.
You’ll be allowed to say “shit” on network television, just as often as you’re able to say “damn” or “son of a bitch” today. But by then, the “big ‘S’” will be about as shocking as “darn” is today.
And let’s not forget the Sunday Night family hit: “Wonder Bread Inc. presents the ‘Ringling Brothers & Barnum & Bailey Hour!’”
Actually, there already is a Science Channel, which is basically the actual science based shows from Discovery. Unfortunately, every so often, they do air an “ancient mysteries” type show on ESP or something, but that’s very rare.
I predict further proliferation of cable channels along content lines. Frex, there’ll be:
The Reality Channel – nothing but reality TV shows. They’ll be damned desperate for content and after awhile it’ll be like watching your uncle’s videos of his daughter’s wedding reception, only less interesting
The Erotic Thriller Channel – Skinamax will break this one out. In every movie on this channel, some characters will have sex. Then someone will be shot. Then more sex. The end.
The Fishing Channel – All fishing. All day and all night.
The Anime Channel – All that cheap content streaming in from Japan, you think that won’t become a channel? Hai!
At the rate cable prices are going, in 10 years it will cost about $500 a month for basic.
But channels?
Reality TV Channel: A place for shows that are about anything but reality, but will give room for such fare as “Fear Poop Factor: Contestants Eat Strange Stuff And Guess What Color Their Feces Will Be.” Celebrity Poop will be a ratings blockbuster.
American Idol Channel: 24 hours a day, for 364 days, leading up to the grand finale. This will be a popular channel for advertisers as there will be 20 minutes of commercials between each song.
Super Bowl Network: It will be an 11 month pregame special, with a one month after game rundown. The logo will be a metal star attached to the tip of a football.
Home Depot Network: Friendly Lesbians will demonstrate how to use power tools.
Queer Eye Scientologist Channel: Friendly Gay men will kidnap ugly, sad and lonely people, plunder their bank accounts and then make them over to all look like Tom Cruise.
Baby Boomer Channel: Only on the air from 8 pm until bedtime, 9 pm.
The Propaganda Channel: The White House will have it’s own cable channel taking the place of press releases and those weekly press meetings. For filler content it will have talk shows featuring spokespersons from the Republican party. The commercials will be paid political ads from the Republican party.
Sextreme Sports: one of the porn channels will have a show featuring athletic competitions that include nudity and sexual acts as part of the game.
The War Channel: why look at endless reruns of WW2 footage on the History Channel when you can see daily scenes of combat from one or more of the never ending civil wars/ interventions around the world.
With thanks to Bruce Springsteen (Gads, I never thought I’d ever thank him for anything!) and advances in packing more channels into the cable, we’ll go from 57 channels with nothing on to 570 channels with nothing on.
The Golf Channel will introduce the Chipping Channel, the Putting Channel and the How Golf Balls are Made Channel.
Discovery’s already spun off Discovery Science and Discovery Wings. Forthcoming will be Discovery Particle Physics, Discovery Fluid Dynamics and Discovery Junkyard.
TLC will morph into 24-hour Trading Spaces.
The Food Network will spawn a grocery store full of specialty channels such as Garlic, hosted by Emeril Lagasse, Bobby Flay’s Grillin’ and Chairman Kaga will be the charming, yet idiosyncratic host of the Iron Chef Channel.
