Damn paranoia. Every time I open the pit, some small part of me dreads finding a “Fuck you, Res” or “Go to hell, Res” thread, or even a “Res: Your hypocricy speaks for itself” thread.
Why??? Why does this fear of the online community hang over me like the sword of Damocles? My inner being screams, “FINISH ME NOW, DAMMIT!!! I CAN’T TAKE THE SUSPENSE!!!”
Maybe I won’t feel validated as a Doper until I get pitted. Or maybe I just want attention.
Anyway, it feels good to get that off my chest.
ResYou goat-felching monkey brain. Fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
Feel better? 
Hmmm. I was planning to start a thread titled “Have You Been Spoken To By A Mod?”, but then TVeblen took me to task for making fun of Ryan_Liam in his “sex” thread.
Res, have you needed to be spoken to by a mod?
Aren’t you some kind of a tort?
I used to think you were an O.K. guy, relatively funny, not too dumb, and you actually may contribute to a thread.
Then I saw this
I know you were probably raised on a steady diet of yak semen, so your taste buds may have suffered, and having to breathe your own offensive odors that would put a crate of rotten eggs to shame may have influenced your nasal cavity (that is if you could find it that far up your anal apeture), but I ain’t cutting you no slack. One post, and you’re on my “People I will draw and quarter, but keep alive just so they can spit shine my boots with their toungue” list. Congratulations.
How was that?
Oh, dear. Don’t you know that the only thing more pathetic than never having been Pitted is pitting yourself?
Pit criticism:
Your peach pits couldn’t germinate in the garden of eden itself.
Your arm pits could bring tears to Mother Theresa’s eyes at 300 yards.
Your 1/32 scale model of the La Brea Tar Pits natural museum is derivative and shows no personal sense of artistry.
Your barbecue pits were designed without adequate ventilation to generate sufficient heat for braising meat.
Take that!
.
Well, I will give you points for one thing ResIpsaLoquitor. You couldn’t wait around for someone else to pit you so you went ahead and did it yourself. Res Ipsa Loquitor indeed.
He’s got balls, I’ll give 'im that…
Fuck you Res! I was going to start this thread, you goat-felching, barf-smelling, smeg-licking cum stain of a child pornographer! Now I got nothing! If I come in here asking for a Pit thread, I’m gonna look like an unoriginal putz!.
Burn in Hell, Res!
Damn it! And someone else already beat me to “goat-felching”! Now I really look lame!
Suck it, Res! Suck it long and suck it hard!
You have to say something controversial that will drive people into insane anger, like:
God is Love.
or
Peaceful honest people should be free to pursue their own happiness in their own way.
something along those lines.
Yeah, God dammit! Or mine, for that matter! I can’t believe I haven’t managed to piss anyone off in over two years. I am absolutely convinced that I’m on the ignore lists of over thirty thousand dopers. Passive aggressive pricks.
It’s time more people admitted that, Res. Good for you.
Fine.
The thing does not always stand for itself. While the prototypical example of the roofing tile hitting the pedestrian in the head sounds good in law school, in the real world things rarely stand for themselves and extensive proof is often required. Strict liability might be the closest real world implementation of the concept, but even then there often is many proof issues to be resolved.
So there.
Res: My fury and anger for the things you have done burns with the fire of an overdone pop tart. With cinnamon, yet.
So there.
You hate me. You really hate me.
I’m bawling over here. SDMB, you complete me.
IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!
(The Thing speaks for himself.)
Res, I wasn’t going to say anything until you HAD to include that Jerry Maguire movie reference… not to mention the Sally Field Oscar speech reference. :mad:
Why, in the name of all that is holy, did you have to include that?!? The movie was fine, but do you HAVE to include references lke that? The Oscar speech reference, however, was really something else. Those will blindside everyone for all time, and I wish you would really go to purgatory for it! (you see, I’m too nice even to damn him to hell… and perhaps back)
You also have no sense of humor and should really be strung up for laughing at things I do not personaly find funny! Sheeeeesh… you’ve got some nerce to come in here and ask for a Pitting! Do it the old-fashoined way and earn one yourslef! (believe me, I know whereof I speak) I no longer wish to associate with you or your ideals, which are obviously full of crap!
(Pitted translation of the above: Your ideas are full of shit, and I can’t be fucked to talk to the worthless psychotic person you have become.)
How was that?
F_X