In some species, the male rips off his own arm as a sperm delivery package. In many species, the male dies soon after mating (even if not injured) and the female dies soon after giving birth.
I see some people didn’t get the memo. If you say “octopuses” or even “octopodes” you get eaten first as a reward. The rest shall not be so lucky.
I’m with TruCelt. Bonobos are this close anyway, let’s uplift 'em.
I take it you’ve never read Call of the Wild.
When they want to take over leadership of the pack, we would be toast.
No. You know who would murder us in our sleep? Fucking octopusses (or octopi, or whatever else. They’ve already divided us in our language usage!) I mean, if we give them super intelligence, they are going to figure out how to come for us.
Cats should be given the uplift. Because cats would MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.
I know that for a fact. If more humans minded their own businesses, the world would be an awesome place.
Damn straight!
So, no lizards?
Not chimps! It’s been tried and has been a disaster. Cats too deadly. But I wouldn’t uplift any creature whose evolution has taken past the point that could have hands. There goes dolphins. I voted for octopuses.
I’m going to have to go with birds. I’m not sure which type, I love watching owls and birds of prey but they’re not very social and have too much of a kill instinct. Parrots could learn to communicate with humans, are social, and have a long life so they might be the best bet. It would be really cool to learn about the world from their perspective. I always see flocks of chattering parrots flying by and wonder what they’re communicating.
Cat wouldn’t just kill us, they’d torture us first. They’d spend all their non-lazy time, about 20 minutes a day, to organizing killing festivals inside their robotic giant cat suites.
Dolphins is my second, but the Octupus could be cool
Humans.
:dubious:
You know the trope where one partner in a relationship is a lot older than the other, and knew them when they were a child? And you know how it’s really creepy, because it feels like they’ve been grooming the child for this since they were too young and ignorant to have any say in the matter? That’s what this feels like.
How about you just give humans the muscle strength and immune system benefits without the intermediate step of fucking an ape?
Man, I’ve seen parrots rip their broomstick perch away in finger thick splinters.
Ruby Throated Hummingbirds? If they weighed ten pounds, I wouldn’t go outside! If they were intelligent enough to know I have central heat and they don’t have to fly all the way to Guatemala for the Winter, we’d be toast!
The Primate/Octopode ceasefire agreement of 2201 states that hominids must alternate among the plural forms ‘octopuses’, ‘octopi’ and ‘octopodes’, as this issue precipitated the First Great War of the Mollusks, also known as ‘The Eight Weeks of the Eight Arms’.
Killjoy.
WTF is with all the dolphin love? They could still totally fuck our shit up. You think they couldn’t figure out a way to travel across land, at least enough to mount an assault on coastal populations? Plus, most of the word would become their territory. As would most of the food and much of the oil.
Dogs don’t kill us because they like us, not because they lack the intellectual capacity. Are smart people also more inclined to murder? My instinct is to pick dogs. I love my dog very much, and I’d like to take our relationship to a more intimate level (not like that, you pervs).
In real life, I’d have to go with chimps. Chimps could integrate well in our society. It wouldn’t be much harder to accommodate their needs than it does physically handicapped people. Primate uprising is the result of subjugation, not intelligence.
EW, ew, ewwwwwwww! ! ! You just skipped over the part where we uplift them, and they become essentially much stronger equals. Your way is just gross. In fact, if we gave them the intelligence, we’d probably have to interbreed in order to remain a part of the picture at all. Much like the Neanderthals.
But yes, if it could be done without the intermediary step, and all the inevitable societal BS while the evangelist fundamentalist so-and-so’s get used to the idea. . . then yeah, that would be good. 
I know they couldn’t. They lack the anatomy for tool use, and live in an environment inappropriate for developing industry. We know from long experience what happens when a dolphin or toothed whale ends up on land: if people or a wave doesn’t return it to the ocean, it dies.
Definitely not cats and dogs.
My cats and dogs have seen me naked and seen me to unspeakable things (but legal) in the privacy of my own home.
Definitely not cats and dogs. 
Hey, don’t mess with Texas!
No, I didn’t. You suggested uplifting them for the specific purpose of creating alternate mates. To me, that’s no different to raising a child for the specific purpose of becoming your lover.
Considering the complexity of the subjects, it’s almost guaranteed that making humans stronger is going to be easier than making apes smarter and genetically compatible with humans.
What are you talking about? Octopus IS the plural–ask any octopu.
I’m with those who say NONE. Any species that gets smart will figure out that the best way to preserve the planet and themselves is to kill all the humans.
I say go for super intelligent robots that have the 3 Laws of Robotics built in.