Whip me, beat me, call me Disney

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

When, o WHEN will the authorities and/or Al Gore do SOMETHING about the rising tide of violence in today’s society?

I’m speaking, of course, about the rampant rage issues at DisneyWorld.

Don’t get me wrong; I love DisneyWorld. My family and I go there on a regular basis. Any time I want all of my money sucked from my wallet and I don’t have access to a vacuum cleaner, DisneyWorld is the next-best thing.

Plus everyone there is just so darn cheerful. All the workers seem to be happy, except probably for the ones having to wear those heavy character costumes in the Florida heat. I bet the inside of those costumes smell great. I bet there’s fights over which Disney worker has to put on the Goofy suit after Fat Harold’s shift.

Anyway, DisneyWorld has always been a happy place for me, which is why the recent rage issues there have really bummed me out.

For example, recently an Alabama woman was arrested on suspicion that she beat and choked another woman who was let ahead of her in line to ride the Throw-Up Cups (which is the actual name of the ride called, for public-relations reasons, the “Mad Tea Party”). On this ride, you sit in big tea cups and spin around. All the cups spin on a big circular base, but each cup can spin on its own, too, so there are multiple directions in which your barf will travel.
Anyway, apparently the Alabama woman was in line, and another lady and her children were let in line ahead of her. So of course the Alabama woman had no choice but to beat and choke the lady.

This raises several questions in my mind:

  1. There was a LINE for this ride? Why? All the ride does is make you dizzy and want to throw up. That’s what the prices and the food at DisneyWorld are for. Five dollars for a hotdog that Junior is just gonna hork up later? That makes ME sick.

  2. A woman was going to take her CHILDREN on this ride? That was her first mistake, right there – taking her kids to DisneyWorld. It’s not possible to have fun with kids at DisneyWorld. Frankly, it’s not possible to have fun with kids anywhere. Trust me on this; I have five kids. I know. Whenever they ask to go someplace, I channel Jack Handy and tell them the place burned down, because I know I won’t have fun if we actually go there. “Dad, can we go to DisneyWorld?” “It burned down.” “How about the beach?” “Burned down.” “Swimming pool?” “Burned.”

  3. Why in the world did the line-breaking lady get in front of an Alabama woman? Alabama women are not typical Southern women. They’re vicious, and mean, and not afraid to fight dirty. (And they’re lovely! And kind! And I love them all, because they’re special and delicate flowers! Please don’t hurt me, ladies!) Alabama women know all the pressure points in the human body, and they’re not afraid to exploit them. In a fight between The Incredible Hulk and an Alabama woman, the smart money is on the Alabama woman.

  4. Why was the Alabama woman so desperate to get on this ride in the first place? If I’d been there, I would have been letting people in front of me in line left and right. (“Sure, go right ahead. It’s not a fun ride anyway. It burned down, you know.”) Although, if I’d been there, and was letting people break in line ahead of me, I might have been beaten up by the Alabama woman, so maybe that’s for the best.

Sadly, this was just the latest in a series of violent events at DisneyWorld.
A German couple was attacked in May at their hotel, but that was smoothed over when their attacker realized the couple wasn’t French. Upon learning they were German, he apologized and gave them some of his own money, along with a large chunk of Poland. And every day at DisneyWorld (Disney folks HATE for this information to get out, but I believe you have a right to know), hundreds of innocent ankles and heels are attacked by stroller wheels.

So it’s obvious to me that DisneyWorld needs to beef up their security efforts. Fortunately, I’m here to help them with their problem, and after about ten minutes of thought in the bathroom, I’ve come to the perfect solution: Disney should hire Alabama women to be security guards. Problem solved!

Naturally, I’ll expect a hefty consulting fee for my time and expertise. Ideally, I’d like to get at least $100,000 for my trouble, because I’m planning another trip to DisneyWorld in a few weeks, and I’ll need that money for the down-payment. If the Disney folks would consider upping my fee to $200,000, I might even bring my kids.

Assuming DisneyWorld doesn’t burn down again before we go.

2

There are no ‘employees’ at Disney World. They are all animatrons. Even the birds that fly around the park and eat the dropped food.

3

Al Gore died in 1999. He was replaced by a robot made by Disney.

4

Very close, they’re called “cast members”. I did an IT consulting gig there for two weeks, and heard horror stories from the IT guys about the 1 week a year that every Disney employee, even IT guys, has to work as a cast member in one of the parks. They mostly end up doing busboy type jobs, and they all hate it.

5

This actually explains a lot.

6

You don’t fool ME, Dark Lord! This events are YOUR doing, and now you bring it to our attention, just to dismay and dishearten us in the ongoing struggle!

I hate it when the pool burns down…

7

Oh man, please tell me Belle wasn’t an animatron because [del]her breas[/del] she looked real and spectacular. Sauron does have a point though… that Princess Breakfast would have been a whole lot more fun if it was no kids and just Dads.

8

Belle, hell … go visit Ariel in the Grotto.

9

Are you crazy? It’s a good thing she’s a robot.

One, She can be programed not to laugh or tell.

It’s nearly impossible to gross out a robot.*

Parts are easily replaced.

*Don’t ask how I know this.

10

Typical Evil Overlord you’re turning out to be, Sauron. The Minions could explain why it’s fun to ride on something that makes you want to barf, but would you listen to them? Of course not!!

As for Al Gore dying in 1999 and being replaced by an Animatronic robot, the history of the 2000 campaign was just made perfectly clear by the revealing of that fact.

However, I did do a doubletake at this:

…until I realized you’d typed Ariel, not Aries.

11

Gotta keep the really good stuff for myself. That’s what Dark Lords do, you know.

Zebra, I laughed out loud at the “parts easily replaced” line.

12

I just had a phantom pain, and that is why I prefer Epcot over Magic Kingdom. That and the Norway Pavilion with all the princesses :smiley: (and goat cheese!)

13

He has seemed a lot more lifelike in these later years.

14

To add insult to injury, the couple later found out the chunk was located in the “World Showcase” section of Epcot Center, and a large mouse insisted they pay 276 euro for a turkey leg before they were able to occupy the territory.

15

I guess that would be the day to avoid the park. It’s probably the most likely day for a shooting.

16

Hanged by someone named “Chad” in Florida, I hear… :wink:

17

It’s been many moons since I’ve been there, but I still remember those seashells.

Now I have Elvis in the back of my head singing “In the grottooooo…”

18

I remember Ariel. A group of us went to Disney World and we were in line with our wives or SOs when all the women decided they had to do something else suddenly. So there’s three of us guys who are told to get our picture with Ariel. Fine, we’ve been in line this long we might as well get our pictures taken. So it’s our turn and I guess Ariel’s handler was a bit nervous about why three males would want their picture taken with a mermaid. She makes it very clear that “Ariel’s from the ocean and her skin is very sensitive from being on the surface so pleace don’t touch her.”

Goddammit! I am was not going to molest a fucking mermaid. I suppose handlers say those things for a reason but we didn’t really appreciate being treated that way. Keep in mind that we saw several people go ahead of us and none of them were warned not to touch Ariel. Come to think of it that was my only unpleasant experience at Disney World which just goes to show that all the “cast members” do a pretty good job.

Marc

19

And now, so do I. Thanks.

20

Could be worse. Elvis could be crooning the “Small World” song.