All right, I got:
Syphon Cruel - Simon Cowell (never could figure this out on my own; my guess was John McCarthy)
Dewie Strudel - David Hasselhoff (needed a lot of hints from the website before I finally got it)
Mosh Deck’Em - David Beckham (found out from another message board)
Fever Friction - John Travolta (don’t ask)
And Mal Function is the co-conspirator in The Brain Dead Super Bowl Catchphrase That Will Not Die…Justin Timberlake, IIRC. (Seriously, how in the name of Lennox Lewis can something as utterly ludicrous as “wardrobe malfunction” NOT DIE? It’s worse than “All your base are belong to us” at this point, folks.)
The rest are still a mystery:
I guess Kaiser Kong is supposed to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, but absolutely nothing about the look fits, especially the hair (it reminds me of Leonhalt from Aggressors of Dark Kombat more than anything). And anyway, shouldn’t an ersatz Ah-nuld in 2009 be more, well, political? Pretty sure the banana has some significance, but I can’t imagine what.
I cannot peg Red Dermato at-freaking-all. My best (stupid, hopeless, pathetic) guess is Michael Phelps. He’s way too young to be any skateboarder or cyclist whose name I can remember.
Marcus D Roxbury is just way too much of a pastiche for me to nail down. Tony Stewart? Tom Cruise? Dave Barry?
Complete blank on Hilarious D; my sure-to-be-hopelessly-off-base guesses are Jim Carrey and Jerry Seinfeld.
Fight Clubber…uh…twin sisters Thelma and Louise…tattoos…cowboy hat…unkempt hair…“do not talk about” drivel…er…Billy Ray Cyrus? 
Big Wallop is way too generic for me to nail down. I’ve heard Ben Wallace and Quentin “Rampage” Jackson, and they’re as good as anything to me.
Dragon Chew…Yao Ming, right? Or maybe that big Korean who kicked Akebono’s butt three times.
El Concertina is either Steven Segal, Enrique Iglesias, or Juan Pablo Montoya. Probably. Maybe.
Stoney Rigatoni could be Bruno Tonioli if he wasn’t so effin’ big. (Tonioli would’ve been a much better choice than Cowell…his judgments count, for one.) As it is, I’m going to have to go with…uh…Mark “The Hammer” Coleman. No, wait…John Cena! Yeah!
For Sweet King, I’ll just default to M.C. Hammer until something better comes up.
The Impersonator? Uh…the surviving member of Milli Vanilli. I’m sorry, I got nothing.
The Pugilator? Uh…Don King shortly after chemotherapy. 