(I’m excluding sexual attraction in this poll, as it’s quite different than love. Separate things. I’m also excluding gay or lesbian relationships because it’s hard to compare those with heterosexual relationships in one single poll.)
In general, which gender do you think falls more deeply in love, when in love? Men (when in love with women,) or women (when in love with men?)
Obviously, personality, temperament, and circumstances are different for everyone, but this is a general question.
I think men are more geneticaly wired to fall more deeply in love even though we may not always be loyal. Even though women appear to fall more deeply I think they have a greater capacity to turn it off and back on as needed. Men will often carry a flame to thier grave.
Depends on the individual, so I can’t answer the poll. I have no reason to believe either gender falls “harder”, on average.
I think it depends on how it’s interpretted. True or not, culturally we expect that women are less likely to cheat and more interested in long term commitments and such, does that mean that they fall in love more? On the other hand, I think we’re also much more likely to see men that have difficulty getting over a woman. As in, I’ve known men who took times on the order of years, to get over a woman. Does that mean he was more in love with her? Maybe it’s just because cultural norms teach men that they’re not supposed to be emotional, and so men just have more trouble getting over it because they don’t have the coping mechanisms.
Really though, assuming two people that are reasonably healthy, while I think the way that men and women feel and express it is different, I think it’s probably roughly equal. Sure, as a man, what I’ve felt certainly feels way deeper than what I see, but how can I reasonably compare just my own experiences to what is typical for other men, muchless women?
There is some research to indicate that men are more vulnerable to relationship stress. But it is true that it is awful hard to dissect feelings of love versus compromised sense of self-worth. The argument that relationships represent a greater sum total of an average man’s intimate emotional connections vs. your average woman’s seems reasonable as well.
Oh, I’m a sexist pig, I guess.
There’s a bit of folk wisdom that men don’t want to get married, but then when they are, they want to stay married. Women both want to get married and then want to get divorced.
Using that as a wide-brush truism, and then using *that *as an crude approximation of depth of love, I chose the Percy Sledge option. When a Man Loves a Woman, can’t keep his mind on nothin’ else; he’d change the world for the good thing he’s found. If she is bad, he can’t see it, she can do no wrong; turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.
It seriously depends on the person.
I’ve heard plenty of women drop the L word quickly and often, not so much with men. So I’d say men fall more deeply. But then, I’m a guy, so I see things and hear tales from the male perspective.
I don’t know if this means women fall out of love more quickly than men, or if men are more willing to put up with a loveless marriage than women.
I don’t think this is a gender thing. Most heterosexual love affairs involve two people, though, so I’d guess it’s pretty even.
Or if women are more likely to be the one to file the paperwork. Who filed the divorce tells us nothing about who initiated it.
I don’t think there’s a difference that we could call depth of love between the sexes.
I do think men expect less from the relationship and move on more quickly. Women are more likely to dissatisfied (as evidenced by who files papers for divorce more often) and it seems like women take more time to form a new attachment. Men are more likely to externalize problems (perhaps seeing problems as the woman’s fault) while women are more likely to internalize problems (blaming herself). However, I’d be hesitant to use those facts to conclude that either men or women love any less deeply.
And as far as cheating goes… I’ve seen some evidence to suggest that infidelity is more linked to economic security than to gender or libido. In other words, as men and women become more financially equal, they also become more equal in terms of who cheats.
Or that. But I’d think in a contested divorce, the one who files is the one who lawyered up first, and that person is probably the one who initiated the dissolution. In an uncontested divorce, sure: whoever wanted to be the petitioner gets into the statistics as the initiator. My ex was the petitioner in my divorce because we were going through mediation and verbally flipped a coin when asked who wanted to be that person.
Do you have a different statistic or study to use as a proxy for this? What would tell us something about who statistically initiates in divorces?
As I post the results are 2/3 male, 1/3 women.
Doesn’t that closely match the gender profile of Straightdope? (I am thinking most people are voting for their gender)
While I really think love is an individual thing, if I had to make a general statement, I’d say something a little less well-put than this. But with the same general concepts.
Sounds right - I wonder if the rose-tinted glasses go away a lot sooner for women than for men.
Well, I think that depends on how you define “initiate”. Remember, what you’re trying to determine with these statistics is who fell out of love first (or who perhaps was never that deeply in love to begin with). So let’s say that one spouse has multiple affairs and no intention of stopping despite the other spouse’s objections. The other spouse finally gets fed up and files for divorce. Who would you say initiated the dissolution in that case? Who fell out of love first, or who loved more deeply?
To me, it’s an impossible question to answer, not only because everyone is different, but because everyone’s definition of being “deeply in love” is different. To some people, being deeply in love with someone means that you would never want to be with someone else, while to others, it means that no matter who else you’re with, you always go back to your “true” love. To some, being deeply in love means overlooking every flaw, no matter how severe, while others feel that sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for a person is to stop enabling their self-destructive behavior, even if you must sacrifice your relationship with them to do so. Some people take a “set-it-and-forget-it” approach to love, while for others, love is something that needs constant care and attention. I’m sure there are plenty of couples where Partner A falls out of love “first”, but the reason is that they no longer feel loved by Partner B, even though B might still feel they are deeply in love with A.
Not voting. Too many options left out.
I was more deeply in love with my firstborn son’s mother than she was with me.
My next long-term girlfriend was more deeply in with me than I was with her.
I think my wife and I are about equal.
I think men.
Women can get over relationships more easily because it an order of magnitude easier for them to have a rebound fling on command.
But that doesn’t address the question. Men tend to focus nearly entirely upon appearance, character, personality, and other things innate to the woman that they enjoy. Women take that all into account PLUS heavily weighted on traits in a man that will help the woman (income, protective ability, etc.).
I find that partly loving someone because they look beautiful is less shallow than loving someone because they will be able to buy you things. (but of course wanting a successful, ambitious man has been spun by feminists and others to mean something other than the obvious, which that women desire a man that will increase their material quality of life).
Also, women tend to leave when they find another man that makes more money or their current man suffers a financial setback.
I know there are exceptions to this, so ladies please chime in with “well, I’m not like that!”. Not everything said about women in general as a trend is focused on you.
Which brings me to my last point, women are on average more self-centered than men. It is just a strong observation on my part.
Lastly, consider these two points. First, nearly every man I know would marry a woman that delivers pizzas as a job if he was really into her. I don’t know a single woman over her 30s that is somewhat attractive that would consider marrying a pizza guy. Second, a huge chunk of romantic movies involve a man dying for the woman. Women find that some awesome. There are very few to no movies that are romantic that show a woman dying for the man.
To sum up this entire post, although there are variations on each side, women are more likely to view men as utilities than vice versa. And they tend to desire most the men that can help them in their own personal goals the most.
So, maybe it is not more intense, but I believe the love of men is more true.
Further, women notoriously pull a back and switch in the relationship more often. Such as being very nice and affectionate and sexual, and then it drops off once they feel they have your loyalty. Also, they are more likely to withhold sex (a large part of continued all around intimacy in a relationship) in order to get what they want.
If women could possibly wrap their heads around seeing relationships from the view of the average, healthy male, then it would be a nice change. But it seems most cannot.