I’m not trying to stir up anything but I’m curious who holds the ultimate power in your household?
You can be happily married boyfriend/girlfriend whatever.
I’m not talking about wife beater types who live in trailer parks, more like people who are somewhat normal, like at the SDMB.
For example my father is the blustering type about any subject, it is his way or the highway. My mother just usually rolls her eyes and tries not to laugh out loud. My brother and I have always known who was really in charge but we keep it to ourselves.
So, who is the real power in your household? 50/50 is boring but ok I guess.
Well, then we’re boring but okay. If either MrWhatsit or I is flat-out opposed to something, it doesn’t happen. This is generally speaking; I could probably come up with specific counterexamples, but it’s more or less 50/50 in our household.
My mom, for a variety of reasons. She’s not a power-trip type, it’s just that she’s the one everyone respects the most, so both of us (my step-dad and I) listen to her. Plus, she does the lion’s share of everything around the house.
I’m the household administrator so I usually have veto power. >90% of the time though we usually just reach a mutual agreement. We ended up eloping by consensus, so I guess that’s just how we operate.
Since I’m the one who knows the day-to-day state of our finances, I generally have the monetary veto, sorta. The way it works might be:
Him: I’d really like to buy X.
Me: Yeah, me too, but we’ve got Y and Z coming up, so we can’t afford it.
Him: Oh, OK.
For things like where to go on vacation or what color to paint the living room, we tend to come to agreements pretty easily. I don’t think either of us will force a point of the other is really opposed. Which is why we only have one cat. Even tho I want another…
My wife tells me that biblically speaking, I’m the head of the household, and as such, should have final say.
Be that as it may, I don’t really feel comfortable in that role.
I’m also smart enough to separate theory from practice, and gave up on those gorgeous 17" new alloys for our Alfa Spider, after the mention of the EUR 1500 price tag caused a frown the size of the Grand Canyon.
So, errrrr… it depends whether you’re speaking theoretically or practically, I suppose!
In my marriage either of us could issue a veto and it would stick. It doesn’t come up often, but if the other person was adamant, that would be that. In my parents house, my father had the veto through his shrewd use of psychotic episodes, alcohol and violence.
We’re like Ninetywt–it depends who the expert is.
Our values are very much the same, but each of is is coming from a different perspective.
If it is financial, usually my spouse’s opinion carries more weight.
When the kids were small, often I was the one who made decisions about this or that.
Like FairyChatMom, neither will force a point if the other is truly opposed…which is why we too only have one cat.
If I really want to do something–go to a movie, go for drinks, stay home and veg, etc.–that’s generally what will occur. My SO is laid-back to the point that I have to force him to have an opinion on what restaurant we are going to get take-out from. He says, “Whatever you want, babe!” and he isn’t being facetious. He really is that easy-going.
If, however, he has made up his mind that he isn’t going to go anywhere that evening, it’s a gentle but very firm “Nope, not getting off the couch! You go have fun!” kinda thing. I respect that so I’ve never tried to see what would happen if I insisted.
I am uncomfortable with the idea that either one of us has “the last word.” We give and take for the most part.
It’s understood that if one person is very strongly against something, that the other person will fall into line with that. I’m sure we’ve had occasions where full veto has been applied, but I can’t recall them offhand.
Generally if it involves minor expense, we just do it without discussion. If it’s something that’ll impact on our finances, then the person who didn’t suggest it has to do the ‘voice of reason’ schtick. Then we discuss it. Then we either go ahead, or we don’t.
Of course sometimes the other person will say ‘I can’t be the Voice of Reason on this one, because I want it too. If you want to be talked out of it, you’ll have to do it yourself.’ Then we either go ahead and buy/do whatever it was, or else make plans together for how we can make it work in the future.
[ETA: For other stuff, like what kind of movie to see, or whatnot, we generally either find a common interest or wait till it comes to DVD. And if it’s decisions like where to go for the day, we’re both generally happy if the other one has an idea in mind - but if we really hate the other person’s idea, we negotiate something different. It’s very, very equal - probably because we were best friends for years before we started dating, and we still operate on that kind of level to a greater extent.]
Our household is like the US government–legislative power and veto power are vested in separate branches. My wife basically runs things (because both of us are happier this way), but if I feel strongly about it, I can veto a decision she makes.
But sometimes we can’t agree. So for veto power on vital issues (example: what time to wake up on Saturday morning) the ultimate authority rests squarely with … the cat.
We both do, for something important with long-lasting consequences- stuff like “do we want kids now” or “do we want to move”.
If something involves driving somewhere, I have veto power, because Mr. Neville doesn’t drive.
We each have veto power over meals that we will be eating together. Nothing gets served that we don’t both at least tolerate, and sneaking stuff into recipes or lying about ingredients is strictly forbidden.
Other rules are “no manipulation”, “no acting like a toddler having a tantrum to get your way”, and “if you pretend something isn’t important to you, no fair saying later that it was and the other should have somehow psychically known this”.
I usually have to make final decisions, though. Mr. Neville is good at researching stuff, but not so good at coming to a conclusion. I’m better at making the actual decision, so I usually end up doing so.
I have complete and total control on any home decoration stuff, as long as it doesn’t involve a color of sheets that might make Mr. Neville gay (as far as I can tell, this means no pink or purple sheets) and wouldn’t put us into debt. He has pretty much no opinions on that stuff.
Completely agreed. There are areas where one of us has more expertise than the other, but neither of us “outranks” the other. Either can veto something and have the other respect that decision. It almost never gets to that point, though, because we both know each other well enough that we’re not likely to put the other in a position where a veto would be necessary. We’d see the conflict coming from a mile away.
