I love cheese. I’m lactose intolerant. I’m also very weak willed. I think you can see where this is going…
I will eat cheese.
And then I will bloat and cramp.
Then I will expel gas.
Horrible, horrible gas.
I will then be ill from the odor and have to go outside.
Then I’ll recover and it will all begin anew.
It’s a viscous cycle…
I think I can honestly say, without exaggeration, that if it weren’t for cheese I would surely have killed myself long ago. What’s not to like? You can use it as a spread, a sandwich ingredient, or a main course. What would a bean and cheese burrito be without the cheese? A bean burrito, that’s what. I’d rather puke. Cheeseless pizza? My vegan friends order this, and everyone looks at them like they just offered an infant a crack pipe. Many, many varieties of cheese (cheddar) also make fabulous facial creams. Cheese was, as far as I know, never implicated in President Kennedy’s assassination (unlike certain tofu dishes). Also, if it weren’t for cheese, we’d have no moon. What would the songwriters use to rhyme with June? Spoon or dubloon, or possibly cartoon, which would make it much harder to set the mood with that special someone, I’m sure you’d agree. And if Bryant Gumbel hates it, I think it’s reasonable to view that as a ringing endorsement of its greatness and cinches it as a monument to all that is holy. In fact, I’d venture to say that I value cheese more than I value my right to free speech. Hell, what do I need to say anyway if there’s a full plate of cheese in front of me? I firmly believe many of our problems would be solved through generous and frequent applications of this wondrous and tasty food. Don’t even get me started on peanut butter.