37 years ago my wife and I planned our wedding. I had just moved out of my parents home, my bride still lived at home. We mostly used our money. We kept it simple and nice. Could not see spending a lot of money just make a show. It was a church wedding and it was simple. To me it was romatic and one of the best days of my life. I still remember her walking down the aisle.
All right, fine. If the teaming millions want details, it’s details they will get. Me personally, I would be happy to go to the JOP and get a quickie, but my girlfriend says her family would feel very bad if they didn’t get to see it. After the past few weddings I’ve been to, I really don’t want any kind of a ceremony, my girlfriend says it’s not for “us”, it’s for “them”, them being everyone that would come to it. Now while me and her are financially stable her parents are filthy rich! Now I’m sure if I asked my folks for a few bucks for the wedding, they would give it to me, but I don’t want to ask them. Heck, I don’t even want them to come! I feel like I’m in a lose lose situation!
Whoever offers. If no one offers, than you pay for it yourself. Payment traditions based on gender have their roots in the idea of women as property. Tell both sets of parents to talk amongst themselves and let you know what they decide. There’s no reason for either of you to get involved in that discussion.
To each set or to each other?
ETA: If either set of parents insist on having a say in what type of wedding you have, then they have to cough up the money for it.
You should tell your parents, and your gf should tell her parents, that you don’t care about having a fancy wedding, but if either of them do, they’ll have to chip in for it. Then your girfriends parents can talk to your parents about it, and they can decide amongst themselves who is willing to pay for what.
So yeah the usual way it goes is:
- If you want a fancy wedding, you pay for it
- If someone offers you some money, accept it graciously
- If someone wants to control your wedding, it’s up to you to decide if you want to give up control. If you retain control then you pay. If you give up control, they pay. There’s bartering allowed though - if your Mom thinks no wedding should go without flowers, she could offer to pay just for that. If your alcoholic uncle can’t live without an open bar, he could offer to pay for that.
- If you don’t care about the ceremony but one or more set of parents do, tell each set of parents to talk to the other set and decide amongst themselves who is paying for what.
- In my opinion, who has the most money to spare is more important than who is the parent of the female.
In any case, if her parents expect something from your parents, they should make that phone call themselves and not involve you or their daughter int he argument.
Well, while I’m not especially excited about the idea of my parents and her parents talking to each other behind my back, this does make thing a little easier on me. If they ask whose idea this was, I’m telling them it was your idea Jack.
Send them my way! I’ll set them straight! 
If they decide to make it a super lavish affair you’ll have to invite me 
Though you wouldn’t know it from popular culture, there’s a world of middle ground between “ten minute trip to the courthouse” and “huge, lavish, tulle extravaganza.” We had a lovely, modest wedding with our family and closest friends present. It remains one of the best days of my life, not because I got to be a special princess, but because it meant so much to me to pledge my devotion publically with my loved ones around me.
It sounds like a wedding is important to your finacee. For her sake–not her parents’ or her family’s–I would encourage you to think about a simple ceremony and reception with your parents all invited.
You have the wedding YOU feel YOU can afford - remembering that sharing the day with your families is important to your families. Do not feel pressured into a boondoggle. Particularly, do not feel pressured into paying for a boondoggle you don’t want (at least not by family, your bride is a different matter.)
If her parents look at your twenty person guest list for a wedding in a courthouse followed by a small cake at home, then you can say “this is what we are choosing to afford.” Often, not always, this is when “well off” parents who really want a big wedding suddenly take over, pick up the tabs, and turn it into a boondoggle - which you can graciously accept - or not.
We paid for our own wedding fifteen years ago with over 100 guests and a DJ (and got married in front of a JP with about ten witnesses) for $6,000. Fed everyone, too - but it was sub sandwiches and wedding cake.
I would come with a budget you and your fiance can afford on your own and from that a description of the kind of ceremony and reception that will buy. Let both sets of parents know that this is what you’re planning. If they push back, simply tell them that it’s all you can afford. The implication is that they will need to chip in if they want something more elaborate.
Very true. One of my best friends just got re-married a few years ago. They had the wedding outside in a park/camping area. I didn’t attend, but got pictures. It seemed pretty nice but didn’t look like it cost more than a picnic, except for the groom’s clothes. My friend made sure he wore an authentic, well-tailored kilt from his clan. That was around $500, I think.
Congratulations.
Depends on several factors I think.
Was your Fiancée reasonably expecting her parents to pay? Did it ever come up?
How old are the both of you?
Are either parents looking to control/make decisions about the wedding or insisting that Great Aunt Tilly needs to be invited?
If the parents are insisting on how the wedding needs to be done, they need to pony up some or most of the cash.
My wife and I would have been happy with a simple ceremony and simple party. My Father-in-Law would have been happy with this and was happy to pay a few thousand towards even though we were prepared to pay for it ourselves. By Wife is their only daughter however and we had to have a wedding for my Mother-In-Law. It was very nice and I really appreciate it but it cost them around $15,000 to $20,000 16 years ago. My parents contributed very little to the wedding. They simply could not if they wanted to. Their cash gift was probably more than they easily afford at the time.
If you are planning a grand ceremony, you cannot expect the parents to pay. You need to talk to them and decide what the parents and you two as the couple are willing and capable of spending. Every question about social conventions has gray areas, these are strictly my opinions to add to the discussion.
Good Luck and I hope all goes well. Remember, more often than not the simple fun relax weddings are better than the long expensive ones.
Jim
Agreed with all, **you **pay for the wedding **you **want, and can afford. Anyone else who wants input can cough up or shut up.
Miss Manners (from Kimstu’s post above:
This explains why I was handed the bill when I went to dinner with my son, his fiancee, and several members of her family. I was thinking WTF? This dinner was their idea, I’m poor, they’re a CPA and a college professor, and I’m supposed to pay for everybody?
I was also told by my son that “my share” of the wedding expenses was $1,000. I had to take out a loan. I didn’t mind doing it – it’s the first time he’d asked for anything since he left home – but it was a last-minute surprise.
Congratulations! I hope things go smoothly for you.
You and your fiancee need to decide if you’re independent adults who are supporting your own lives or children who are dependent on other people.
So let me get this straight… the bride’s family want the wedding to be a pull-out-all-the-stops-Barbie-princess-wonderland, despite the fact that you and the bride have expressed you’d prefer simplicity, and then have the chutzpah to suggest that your folks should be splitting the costs on the wedding they’re demanding???
IMO, they can either cough up all the money needed to pay for the wedding they want, or accept that anyone else who contributes cash gets a say in what they’re paying for.
Also, having seen a close friend go through this exact scenario, I’d strongly encourange you to tell her folks to find a compromise that will make all of you happy - maybe a small ceremony for close family and friends, followed by a simple reception. In my friend’s case, they got railroaded into the ended up with the full-blown extravangaza wedding that the bride’s family wanted (and paid for)… but in the end, the only people who really enjoyed the evening were the bride’s parents. I’ve never seen a couple more eager to get the whole thing over and done with in my life.
Actually, that’s not at all clear from the OP’s comments. It sounds like the OP would be fine with not having a wedding, but his fiancee feels that her family would be hurt if they weren’t able to see their daughter get married. Wanting to be present when your child weds is not the same thing as demanding “a pull-out-all-the-stops-Barbie-princess-wonderland.” Again, it’s perfectly possible to have a simple, small wedding that allows family to celebrate a huge milestone with you without spending thousands and thousands of dollars.
Miss Manners would, however, NOT approve of this method of having you host the groom’s dinner. Generally, you agree to this in advance, and you make the arrangements based off your budget (the first time I got married my ex’s parents declined - the groom’s dinner was spaghetti at my parent’s house - as they’d already stretched to provide a wedding in the manner to which THEY’D become accustomed).
I think the two of you (you and your fiancee) also need to discuss your expectations and find a compromise. Sounds like she thinks the weddding is for her parents and friends while you feel the wedding is for the two of you only. To avoid either of you having resentment over your nuptials, you need to find some middle ground before you discuss who’s paying for what.
Also, are there any issues between you and your parents? Upthread it seems like you don’t want them to come - is that just because you want to keep the wedding between you and your fiancee or is there another reason?
**burundi **makes and excellent point in that you don’t have to go to either extreme - have everyone there for a lavish, gala event or just sign something at the JOP.