That’s the impression I’m getting, too - it’s more the fiancée who is pushing for a larger wedding (that copperwindow will be paying for) than the OP or the families. This presents a set of problems of its own - you need to be on the same page as your fiancée regarding finances, copperwindow - not “it’s a good idea if you are” but “you HAVE to be” if you want the marriage to succeed. You can’t fault her parents for not wanting to pay for the wedding; it’s their money to do with as they want. You and your fiancée are going to be blending your finances now (if you haven’t already) - if one of you wants a fancy wedding and the other doesn’t, this needs to get resolved. I can see your resentment over this already; that’s not really going to get better.
How to put this gently - your fiancée is wrong that the wedding is for your families. This is YOUR wedding, YOUR way. Beyond not asking for cash gifts, how you do it is entirely up to you, keeping in mind that your family and friends will want to share your milestone day with you (and most families do that by attending some form of party and having a good time).
Heh, I’m reading all this stuff about how you are supposed to be self-sufficient and your wedding is about you so you should pay for it, and I kinda agree - in theory.
In reality, at least back in the day, those of us getting married as young 'uns didn’t have nearly the sorts of savings to pay for a ceremony. If it was up to us, it would have been a trip to the registry office and maybe a party somewhere with some close friends, because that was all we could afford.
Now, the parents wanted something more - in particular, they wanted to invite loads of relations, and have a decent sit-down reception for them. So, the deal was that we got what we wanted (to be married) and they got what they wanted (a reception) and they, collectively, split the bill. Everyone was happy.
Just to play Devil’s Advocate, I understand the school of thought that the marriage is yours, but the wedding is a party you hold for others and thus their desires should be taken into account*. So it’s not wrong, but a different perspective.
I’m confused by these two, as they appear to contradict each other.
What if you don’t want to give up control over the choices? Is there a gracious way to not accept an offer of money?
The reason I ask: My family are the type of people who will not offer to contribute a stinkin’ red cent, but will complain about every aspect of the wedding + reception during their entire attendance. I think they gave my sister a couple hundred bucks back in the late 80’s and then not only did no one help her with a single arrangement of anything, but they showed up and griped the whole time. I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than allow my parents to make my choices for me, regardless of who is paying. They were unwilling to contribute to higher education, so I see this as pretty much a moot point in my family. Just curious about #3 above – what if your religious views make alcohol a no-no? Do you still allow Uncle Lush to pay for an open bar?
If you want to do your own thing and not accept money that’s fine. There’s a gracious way to decline money, but there’s never a guarantee that you will get a gracious reaction. But those people will probably be a pain in the ass no matter what you do.
If you just don’t want an open bar, it’s fine not to have one. I had in mind a situation where someone doesn’t want to pay the extra expense, not the situation where they are opposed to it for some other reason.
I agree with featherlou. It doesn’t sound like the fiance’s parents are the problem, it sounds like the fiance is the problem.
If the wedding really was THAT important to her filthy rich parents they would be fronting some money. As it stands they don’t sound that interested.
She needs to be honest and say that the “big wedding” is something she wants, not something her parents want.
I have to agree that “parents present” is not this same as “big wedding.” And “big wedding” is not synonymous with “expensive wedding” either (although clearly, the more guests you have, on average, the more it costs.) And finally, “expensive wedding” is not synonymous with “pretentious wedding.” There seems to be a problem with the excluded middle in this whole conversation.
In fact it seems to me the issue between the marrying people is the question of whether to have a public or private ceremony, not whether or not to have a reception and what sort the reception should be (that issue does appear present, but is secondary). It does not appear that the OP has considered that the ceremony and reception are entirely separable parts of a wedding.
You can have a small ceremony and family event without it going all crazy. Weddings I have been to:
-Private ceremony, pig roast under a picnic shelter on a different day (50 people)
-Semi-private ceremony (Couple + parents + one friend each went to Vegas), reception at a later time in their hometown, catered by a local Mexican restaurant (~80 people)
-Married in park, reception at VFW. (~100 people)
-Married on parents farm by brother with internet marriage license thing, tented reception after (~150 people)
-Married in church, dinner reception at hotel (~150 people)
-Married at an Aquarium, dinner reception in the tank room (75 people – MY WEDDING RULED)
I was in this exact same situation. My family is large, and Italian. My parents expected a big show. My parents are well off. My fiance’s family is poor. Like, rural central Texas poor. I made it clear that what my fiance and I could afford was a backyard wedding for 35 people. My father originally offered to pay for the whole shebang, which I was excited about. I had also always wanted a big fancy party.
Then one day my parents get to reading bridal magazines. They learn that nowadays it’s expected that the groom’s family will chip in. Dad began leaning on me about this. I explained, nicely (and then later angrily) that what my father dropped on a suit (or on the Atlantic City tables) without bating and eyelash would be a huge amount of money for them. It wasn’t that he couldn’t afford it, I was that he’s just decided it was unfair that he pick up the whole tab. Eventually I told him to drop the whole thing, and we’d send him an invite to whatever small party we ourselves could throw.
He changed his mind. And the wedding was lovely. My father kept adding things and increasing the budget, and I did have to cede a bit of control to him, but he’s got good taste. But I’m glad I held my ground about not asking my fiance’s family to help fund my father’s party.
(BTW, my in-laws threw us the best rehearsal dinner. Home cooked BBQ, the greatest potato salad ever made, and the family’s secret-recipe oatmeal cookies-- it would have been a lovely reception, too, and probably cost no more that $500)
I cannot imagine handing over a “bill” for “my share” of a wedding (that’s not mine!). The Hallkids know my mind-set about weddings (hate them) and my view of marriage (highly over-rated) and the expectation of gifts of any kind (seriously, you are NOT getting a gift from me because it’s expected, regardless of the occassion. If I give you a gift, it because I want to, not because you expect it or the situation calls for it). When Hallgirl2 got married last year, they did it before a JoP and there wasn’t any “shares”.
I think if I was handed “my share” of expenses, I would have to laugh in hysterics, but taking out a loan would not be a thought in my mind. “Poor planning on your part” would probably be included within my response.
Heh. My father went through a phase of reading feminist literature when I was in high school and while I think it was always assumed they wouldn’t pay for anything in my wedding, he also assured me that he wouldn’t walk me down the aisle. (He also proclaimed that he would never say anything about my body being too fat, too whatever, ever again–and he hasn’t.) Of course this is if they were able to fit attending at all into their schedule!
I hope it’s not a hijack, but I’m in a similar situation, but I feel I’m somewhat justified in wanting his family to pay for the wedding: they want it. I would be overjoyed to have our parents and siblings present while we marry in a courthouse, take photos, and then go out to a nice dinner.
But he’s the first grandchild and child to be married, the oldest son, and his family has kind of grandiose expectations for this wedding. So it makes me feel guilty to want so little. His father wants to buy him an Armani tux, for whatever reason, just to wear to the wedding. I was thinking more along the lines of a JC Penney’s off-the-rack wool suit. What’s worse is that this attitude has rubbed off on the soon-to-be ball and chain. He wants a big wedding, with everyone present, booze flowing like booze, dancing, dining. Oh god.
His family has considerably more money than mine. I can’t even bring myself to ask my parents to pay for this, even though my mother has said she will do everything she can to make it happen. But it doesn’t seem fair.
No one from his camp has offered to pay, and I’m afraid no one will when it comes to the check-writing stage of the wedding plans. His father will probably say, “Gee, I’d love to pay for it all, but I’m still paying for the 100k pool we installed last year” (no joke). His grandparents would pay, but can’t. The other set of grandparents could pay, but won’t. My parents would pay, but can’t cover everything.
So who pays for a wedding? I don’t know, but when you find out, drop me a note. I hope you find out before I go insane and force him to elope.
Basically, the couple getting married is entitled to nothing from anybody else. If someone offers to pay, it’s fine to accept it, but nobody owes you and it’s classless to ask for it.
If you can’t afford to pay for your own wedding, you can’t afford to be married.
This is a great reason for your parents to say how much they want to pay up front. Let him know. If he and/or his parents want more, tell them that you’d love to have a bigger wedding, but just can’t afford it. Then the ball is in their court.
Nobody should ever go into debt to put on a wedding, even when money wasn’t tight, and no one should be ashamed to live by this principle. And the budget should come first, before the planning.
THAT is a bunch of BS. What you need (need, not “should”) to do is talk to your fiance, lay out both of your finances and what you can realistically save up by the wedding date. Take a look at what that will realistically get you.
That’s the wedding you have, unless others want to chip in. If his dad insists on an Armani tux, his dad can pay for the Armani tux. If he says he won’t, then… no Armani tux!
The difficulty comes from the expectations of others, in particular one’s parents. It is very easy to say that one should just ignore those expectations and do what you feel is right (and can afford), and in many ways I would agree. But it is far more difficult to actually piss off people you in other circumstances respect and love in pursuit of such independence. A wedding is supposed to be a happy event, not one filled with conflict.
This naturally will require a certain amount of negotiation in violation of your principles. I think there needs to be a realistic dialogue with one’s parents about what they expect and how it will be paid for. If the parents want a lot of relatives invited, wined and dined, for example, they need to know that you can’t pay for it and if they will not, it won’t happen. They may be cool with that, in which case a smaller ceremony is called for.
Certainly, nothing on the wedding date itself should come as a surprise to anyone.
I think you and your fiance need to sit down and decide what YOU want (meaning, the two of you), because she is pushing for an “all the trimmings” wedding and you don’t want any wedding. I think you would benefit from a frank discussion about what you each really, honestly want and then making arrangements to do that (whatever “that” is) at your own expense. If she is comfortable hitting her family up for money for a wedding that’s up to her, but you owe it to her to be very clear that you are not willing to do likewise, and why. If your relationship with your parents is such that not only do you not want them financially responsible for a wedding, you don’t even want them AT your wedding, the IMO she should have a pretty good idea of why you feel that way and why she should respect that. If she doesn’t know at least that, it’s past time for an honest conversation on the subject of family relations, regardless of what kind of wedding you will have.
ETA: And in my experience the vast majority of brides who say “Oh, I don’t want a big wedding, it’s for my family!” deep down really want a big wedding. Yes, people will make accommodations (have a small ceremony when they personally would prefer to elope, for example), but IME no one who truly loathes the Wedding-Palooza Experience would put herself through it.
Unsquare Dance, you need to have a heart-to-heart with your fiancé, too. Same advice I gave the OP - you and your spouse have to be on the same page about finances. If he expects your family to pay for an expensive wedding that you don’t want and they can’t afford, you really need to have a good, long discussion with him. If he expects the two of you to go deeply in debt for a wedding you don’t even want, same long discussion. This is the first battle in the war; the two of you need to be on the same side, not battling each other. You don’t want the same fight when his family wants you to buy an expensive house, send your kids to an expensive school, go on multiple expensive vacations, etc.
And for the record, your wishes are more important than his family’s. This is your wedding. You shouldn’t be dreading it and feeling resentful.
