Why are stay-at-home-moms looked down upon?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Either I had a poor choice of words or some people are being overly sensitive. Let’s change that to “if you can afford it or make the necessary sacrifice.” I’m not saying anyone is “lucky” to stay at home, although on one level I think it’s one of the greatest joys in life is to be able to nurture your child - I get a decent paycheck but don’t feel that kind of reward at work that I had with the two years at home with the eldest daughter.

I “help out” at work too. I don’t say the Fortune 500 company I work for would go in the toilet if I left.

I’m fortunate in that I make first world wages and can hire third world domestic help. Still need at least one parent to do the indespensible task of raising our kids. I was fortunate that my parental leave was barely enough time to work out how to get my youngest twin out of the neo natal ICU. And then I had to largely hand over the “task” of getting my daughter healthy to my wife and get back to being the corporate slave.

So, I do take some exception to y’all implying that I don’t respect my wife or what she does.

22

Ack.
I didn’t mean that you don’t respect your wife. Believe me, I have read plenty of your other posts, and I know that you do. I meant that society, as a whole, doesn’t respect so-called “women’s work”, and it is reflected in our language. Hell, as I admitted, I didn’t find my sister’s choice as worthy of respect until I fully understood it.
I’m sorry for my poor choice of words which led to your feeling insulted.

23

I certainly didn’t mean to imply that. I thought my first statement made it clear that my remarks weren’t pointed at you personally. Sorry if I wasn’t clear.

Still, no one is going to, upon hearing you make a decent salary, proclaim you ‘lucky’, but I get this all the time. In fact, it is the single most word used in response to hearing my employment status. No one ever called me lucky when I was working as a professional. The word ‘luxury’ is usually reserved for internet conversations, and generally acts an an aggravator…as in ‘not everyone has the luxury to stay at home with the kids.’ It’s condescending, and anyone who has actually done the work knows that luxury is an inaccurate term.

The OP asks why parents who choose to stay at home with the kids are looked down upon. My opinion is that the answer lies in the way we speak to one another and the language we use. Defining me as fortunate rubs me the wrong way because it implies that I have no claim to my current lifestyle. It implies that I was allowed to make the default decision and not that I worked hard to make my dreams come to fruition. As if I was lucky enough to marry a guy who could take care of me so I never had to work.

24

A lot of the sniping on both sides–not in this thread, but in the broader WOH/SAH debate–IMO, comes from the fact that people don’t acknowledge that every family is different. That what works for my family might not work for yours, and that’s okay. Also, the terms are usually framed so starkly, whereas the reality is more complex. It’s not like the world is divided only into women who rush back to their 60-hour-a-week jobs 2 weeks after their baby is born and women who will never work outside the home again after having children. In my more cynical moments, I suspect some outside force of pitting parents against one another so they won’t band together to demand quality childcare, healthcare, and schools for all kids, regardless of where or how their moms work.

On a more personal note, while I would love to be a SAH mom for a few years (no young’uns yet), financially, it scares the hell out of me. If I left my job, our family income would drop to about 26K, plus I’d lose my health insurance and employer contirbution to my retirement funds. I know families do it, but it’s a frightening leap to contemplate.

25

Ok, that may be true, but I’ll bet that during the day, while you were at work, no one followed you into the bathroom, whining at you to settle an argument (shoot, I rarely EVER get to pee all alone!). I’ll bet that you had a cup of coffee without someone (who just had breakfast) tugging at your shirt, wanting “summit eeeeeeat!” I’d even wager that when you need to read something, you get more than two or three lines at a time read before you hear, “MO–OM! He/she hit me, took my toy, is touching me, won’t stop breathing on me!” And did you have real, adult conversations during the day–WITHOUT having to break off and inquire as to what that screeching back there is all about, or what in the world was that terrible THUD you just heard? :slight_smile:

Mind you, the compensations are enormous. They also hand out kisses and hugs throughout the day, do all those funny things that you share with friends and family that were “just SO cute!” and take such pride in accomplishing things that have become mundane to us, but take on new life and wonder when they do them.

See, it’s not that we think we have it harder than working parents–it’s just that people tend to think that what we do is “the EASY way out.” It’s not–it’s every bit as hard and challenging (and at times, frustrating) as jobs done in the workaday world. And since we don’t get vacation time very often, we sometimes burn out–but get very little sympathy from those who “have to WORK for a living” because they have no idea what we really do.

I love my kids–love being home with them, and have no desire to go “nine to five” every day. But that doesn’t mean that SAHP’s don’t deserve every bit as much respect for what we do as WP’s do.

26

In response to the “but working parents have the same amount of housework to do as SAHP, just at night and on weekends!” No, they don’t. Especially parents of young children who are still at home during the day, who can demolish a house in 3.6 minutes, and will. Repeatedly - *every *3.6 minutes. Which means you’re cleaning up after them every 3.6 mnutes.

When I worked and the kid wasn’t around during the day, I’d vacuum once a week. When we were both home during the day, I had to vacuum once or more a day.

When I worked, the dishwasher got loaded and run and dishes put away once every four or five days (heck, most of our meals were at the office or daycare, so there weren’t many dishes!). When home, once a day.

Laundry? For some odd reason, daycare keeps 'em unnaturally clean. When we’re taking hikes, playing in the yard, making corn starch goo or other at home stuff, we can go through three changes of clothes in a day, easily. Mind you, all of this stuff has to be done while I’m doing all that other housework.

More meals are cooked and eaten at home, which means more pots and pans to scrub. More garbage is produced and needs to be taken out. More opportunities for finger paints on the wall, Play-doh in the carpet, Silly Putty in the cat’s fur…

27

I hear a lot of, “SAHMs have all day to do the housework that moms with full-time, paying jobs have to do.” But really, how messy does your house get while no one is there during the day? I’ve found that being at home with the kids all day results in quite a bit more housework to be done. Five or six meals a day to be cooked and cleaned up after, constant clutter control, spill cleanup… When I worked full-time, I cooked one meal a day and did dishes once a day. I picked up once a day. Now, I pick up at least six or seven times a day, just to keep the mess to an acceptable level. (On preview, WhyNot beat me to it.)

I’ve also heard that SAHMs get to set their own schedule, taking breaks whenever they want, so it’s easier than a “real” job. Yeah, tell that to the baby who wants fed or changed NOW. Instead of being on a routine schedule in an office, I’m on the wild and wacky schedule of a toddler and an infant, who haven’t bothered to coordinate their schedules with each other at all.

28

It’s stuff like this that makes me roll my eyes. Did you not choose to have three children? If so, then what did you think it would be like? When you keep getting knocked up, and you complain like that, don’t expect sympathy from those of us who understand how to use birth control.

I think a lot of women cannot fathom having multiple children and choosing to stay home with them. They would sooner stay at their office until midnight than deal with that kind of thing. I knew after having one that I would never have another. I wasn’t cut out for it, and some days, I’m still not cut out for it.

My mom chose to have us, and she considered that her job. She also comes from a generation where women got married and had babies right out of high school. That was the norm for her generation. It’s not like that now.

I think it’s easy to sometimes look down our noses at women who have put themselves in this situation, then act like they are Mother Teresa for doing it.

29

Indygrrl, I believe you’ve been known to complain about your job every so often here on the boards. Didn’t you know you would have to put up with some unpleasantness? Why don’t you quit, if you dislike it? You could choose to do something else, though you might not earn as much or something. After all, you chose your job, so why do you expect sympathy from those of us who knew how to choose a job we would enjoy?

My point is that SAHMs do choose to stay home, and choose to have several children, and most do enjoy it. That doesn’t mean they can’t gripe every once in a while, out of the children’s hearing (I bet your mom did too). Just as you feel entitled to gripe about your job every once in a while. That’s human nature.

30

Yeah? So am I. The only difference is that they sign my paychecks every 2 weeks.

31

What makes it different is that at least the working parent got 8 hours to be around civilized grown-ups who didn’t whine to get what they needed and didn’t depend totally on her.

At least, this is how my mom described the difference. She felt a huge amount of relief even after taking a part-time job, even though that added to her overall workload ('cause she still did 100% of the cleaning and parenting).

32

Obviously, the labels I applied were my editorializing. I have an extreme bias after having been raised by Martyr Mommy and Lord Robert. I don’t deny that. :slight_smile:

33

Oh, puhleeze Indygrrl - Everybody bitches about their job now and then! Dubious Sacrifice is just saying that someone who thinks being a SAHM is easy or not worthy of respect couldn’t have tried it. Cut her some slack.

I’ll throw my miscellaneous observations into the mix (assuming my babies stay content for a couple of minutes here). (BTW, China Guy I think you have all of our respect.)

Before having twins at age 39, I’d worked since I was 16 at a plethora of jobs. Mostly office work, but not entirely. I’ve worked for winners and losers, been overpaid and underpaid (mostly the latter), worked hard and slacked, had fun and been miserable.

That first year with my kids was hell. None of my previous employment was even close. It got better after 8 months, and it’s much better now, but last year was awful. I think it’s probably similar to that period in a physician’s training when they’re on-call for 24-hour stretches. It’s the sleeplessness combined with the need to provide love patiently even while someone’s throwing up on you. Are they really sick, or was that just spit-up, and is there a way to minimize the vomit dripping onto the floor?

Now that it’s getting easier I’m doing what most SAHMs do - trying to work a little bit. That’s right, most of the SAHMs I know of DO earn some wages somehow, as soon as they can manage it. So I’ll be doing portraits at a couple of Chicago Bulls games this month, hallejuleah! During the evening, while Hubby watches the kids. I’m glad to be a SAHM, but I’m eager to reclaim the part of myself that earned money doing something I enjoyed (that doesn’t involve my kids!).

Having a full-time job was never an option for me - I couldn’t earn enough to make it profitable w/twins. The number one reason I’m glad I’m not a WOHM is it’s easier to stay in tune with my kids when I’m always with them. When my Mom or sister watches them for most of a day while I run errands, it takes a couple of hours for me to get back in sync. That’s one of the things that makes me sad when I think about working moms, trying to get back in sync with your child every day must be tough.

WhyNot’s observations about increased housework are spot-on. I vacuum every day, do dishes every day, pick up toys every day, put away laundry most days, am on constant vigil for choking hazards & spills, etc. And the kids never stop having needs. The amount of patience required is phenomenal. Attention, food, diapers, keep them from falling, give them water, different toy, read to them, sing a song, take them somewhere, rinse repeat. It’s an incredibly rewarding but very difficult job. There’s no telling for sure if you’re hitting the right buttons, either - did they stop whining b/c you did the right thing, or did you just succeed in distracting them? Never knowing for sure is unnerving.

That’s the thing I wonder about re: Moms working full-time - have they chosen a job due to lack of mothering confidence? I’ve felt that myself, felt that strangers with degrees would surely do a better job w/my kids than I can. There have been many days when I felt thoroughly overmatched and drained. I suspect Moms could use some encouragement - take a look at the number of “parenting expert” books out there claiming to have answers. There’s so much pressure on Moms.

34

I think a lot of the stigma comes from people not understanding what SAHM do.

I haven’t met too many people who had SAH mothers. My maternal grandmother was one, and I had a friend in high school who had a SAH mother, but I can’t really think of any of others that I knew.

I admit that I roll my eyes when I hear about the hard work SAHMs do when they have school-aged children. I can’t imagine their typical workday is at all like the workday my work-a-holic mother maintained when I was growing up.

You wake up, get the kids up, make sure they wash their faces and get dressed, make breakfast and lunches, maybe drive them off to school. Then what? Does it take six hours to clean the house? Do the grocery shopping? Prepare dinner? If so, then how do millions of households manage to squeeze all of these things in during after-work hours? What kinds of responsibilities do the children have, if you’re doing everything?

When the kids get home, there’s more work to do. But certainly a typical school-age child doesn’t require supervision every waking hour. Certainly while they are playing in the backyard or doing homework in the living room, the SAHM has time to relax.

Maybe I’m wrong in these assumptions, since I wasn’t raised by a SAHM and don’t really know any. I imagine that’s how most people are who may say negative things about SAH parents.

I don’t think SAHMs have an easy job, but I don’t think it’s the hardest one either. Nor do I think a SAHM deserve more adulation or denigration than a mother who juggles both home-making and $$-making. Both kinds of jobs require sacrifice and come with rewards.

35

Monstro, most of the moms I know whose kids are all in school have some sort of job that they do during school hours, so that they can be home when their kids are and earn some money. (Actually, most of the SAHMs I know with tiny kids also try to earn something on the side when they can.) A little extra cash is always helpful in an (essentially) one-income household.

36

Like you admitted, you don’t understand what SAHM do. I’m not a mom but I can tell you what my mother did. I’m 26. She was not employed outside the home from the time I was a baby until a few years ago. My youngest brother is 12 years younger than me so she spent 18 of those years with at least one child too young for full time school. When we were in school she did housework and yardwork and paid bills and all the things you acknowledge but she also did things like volunteer at our schools. When you have 3 kids in 3 different schools that’s quite a bit of volunteer work. And teachers absolutely depend on that kind of help. If I remember correctly my elementary school actually required that parents donate X hours of volunteer time per school year. When I was little she made many of our clothes because we couldn’t afford to buy new ones. Sewing is time consuming. She also had other responsibilities not directly related to motherhood. She always had a lot of work she did for her callings at church, planning lessons and organizing programs.

The other difference is that as someone whose primary job was to take care of the household and kids, quite frankly my mom had much higher standards for household and yard upkeep than most of my friends whose parents worked. The house was kept cleaner. There was frequently a vegetable garden to be weeded - it’s time consuming but cheaper than buying fresh produce. And it was highly unusual for us not to sit down together to a dinner that mom had cooked.

After all the kids were in school mom spent a lot of time caring for my grandparents. Once they were in assisted living she went back to school. She has a masters library sciences but computers have significantly changed the field since she got her degree and she nees to update her skills before she can work again in the field.

37

Well, that’s not exactly true. I didn’t choose my job. I took it so I could pay the bills and put food on the table. I do dislike it, and I’m always on the lookout for better opportunities.

Having kids is a choice, plain and simple. That rocks if you love it and you want to devote your life to it. I wish more people were that committed to their kids.

As long as y’all aren’t taking my tax dollars to raise your kids, have as many as you want. But when you complain about it as if you didn’t have a choice in the matter, that’s when I roll my eyes.

That’s just how I feel about it. I make no apologies for that.

38

I think it’s worthy of total respect and not easy at all.

The only reason I made the comment towards her is because she made it sound as if she had no choice in the matter. Three kids in a townhouse sounds like a bitch to me, but if that’s what she really wants, then more power to her.

39

Um, yeah. I’m a SAHM of two school aged kids and honestly it’s not that hard work. The year I did as a full time student while homeschooling my older kid was much harder than this ;).

Actually I find it to be really boring. I cannot work as both my guys are special needs and I need to be available for crises. Which happen on a regular basis. No employer’s gonna want me disappearing for days to fix whatever drama my older kid has cooked up this time.

And definitely yeah to the more housework thingy when the kids are home. My younger one is home recovering from surgery and I know the house will be pretty much trashed until he returns to school.

40

Chanteuse, do you really think us working parents don’t go throught that - every weekend and every sick day and every vacation day? We know. I think part of the reason for the “wars” is the patronizing “you don’t understand.” You know what? - we do understand.

I get more sleep on “stay at home days” than I do on working days. Especially when my kids were little, I got a lot more “me” time on working days than on stay at home days. Now that they are older, I get more me time at home (they are 5 and 6) - at this age, weekends are a peice of cake and work is the hard part! And there is a lot of variation both in the type of “job” you have outside the home, and the amount of work it takes to be a SAHM - I have a pretty cushy job - but I have friends with demanding jobs - including friends that teach young children and friends who do a lot of physical labor and friends who don’t get much adult conversation at work because they work independantly. You may get followed into the bathroom, but you’ve probably never HAD to answer your cell phone there and talk to your boss while trying to pee quietly. And I have friends who have difficult SAHM jobs with kids that are demanding. And friends who have a slick setup. My cousin had three kids - all who napped for three hours each day. By the time they outgrew their naps, they were ready for three hours a day of preschool. Playgroups, ECFE, etc., filled out their days and provided plenty of adult conversation. Now her sister, she was not so fortunate and had a few challenging years.