What's so wrong with being a SAHM ?

[dragongirl]

I am so sick of hearing it. Ever since my kids were born all I’ve heard is “When are you going back to work ?” In the past it’s bothered me, but I could largely ignore it, but it’s getting harder to do.

My husband always told me he supported me staying home to take care of the kids and the house. It worked for him too because he work really long, hard hours as a truck driver and is unable to ever run simple errands or make phone calls. But latley, the people he works with keep asking him the same thing,“When is she going to get a job?” “What does she do all day?” As a result, my husband has gotten on my tail to get a job. We’ve been having really horrible fights about it. He just doesn’t see my reasons for wanting to continue being a stay at home mom. He says that all of my reasons are just excuses. Wanna hear them ?

First, we live in a very rural area. Our neighbors are not really close by. I am scared to leave my kids by themselves. When I was their age, I did stay by myself, but we had neighbors that were SAHMs that I could and did go to if I needed help. My neighbors also cooked dinner for my sister and me.

Second, I have no job skills. I graduated from high school, but I’ve had no other education. I have looked into going back to school, but we honestly do not have the extra money for it right now. I would only be making minimum wage.

Third, I would have problems with child care. The nearest friend I have could only watch my kids on an occasional basis. She lives 27 miles away, has 5 of her own children and MS. I would not make enough money to pay a daycare or a sitter.

Fourth, my husband would not take on any of the housework if I worked. When he first began taking to me about this, I explained my concerns and told him I would look around to see if I could do anything, but I would need him to take on some of the housework. He slammed his glass down on the table and said that if he’s going to be required to do housework he would leave me and do it by himself.

Fifth, I am good at what I do. I don’t sit on my ass all day long. I volunteer at school, I’m a brownie leader and I work with my son’s youth group. I read the kids books every morning when they eat breakfast. And my daughter has a reading disability, so I help her with her reading every day, even in the summer time. Additionally, I do everything ! I do all the phone calls, banking, meetings, housework and errands. My husband has a reading disability also, so I help him with his paperwork every night .

It’s not as if I do nothing to contribute to our income either. I crochet blankets and sweater and make decent money at craft shows. I also sell a lot of things on Ebay.

We’re not rich, but we’re not poor either and I don’t see any benefit at all with me returning to work. My husband says we could use the extra money. What extra money ? If it all goes to child care and fuel, where would there be extra ?

I’m fucking busting my ass here every day, doing fucking everything ! I even asked my husband if he wanted me to work so that he could take a different job where he wouldn’t have to work such long hours. He said no, he likes his job and would not look for anything else.

What the fuck happened ? When did being a housewife become such a bad thing ? It’s news to me, I’ve been going along thinking that I was doing the right thing for my family. But everyone else thinks I just a lazy ass pig, watching soaps all day and eating bon bons.

[Ethilrist]

I would not make enough money to pay a daycare or a sitter.

That’s a deal-breaker, right there.

I took off two years when my kids were born and the first job I got when I went back to work paid so little that I only made a profit because my mom agreed to watch the kids for me.

If he’s going to ride you this much to get a job, try getting him to get a better-paying one. It’s only fair.

[Lord_Ashtar]

@dragongirl

Fourth, my husband would not take on any of the housework if I worked. When he first began taking to me about this, I explained my concerns and told him I would look around to see if I could do anything, but I would need him to take on some of the housework. He slammed his glass down on the table and said that if he’s going to be required to do housework he would leave me and do it by himself.

Wow, what an asshole.

[dragongirl]

Been there, tried that. It’s all bad. He will not be in the same room with anyone who suggests that his job is not the greatest thing on earth.

[vanilla]

He makes it sound like you are just there to do housework.
Did you guys discuss this before you married?

Sometimes I am so happy to be single.
I am sorry for you.

[Syntropy]

There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM if it’s what you love to do and you’re financially able to do it (which it sounds like you are). But it does sound as if you and your husband need to have a talk about why this is bothering him. If you’re bringing in money, doing all the housework (I second the asshole thing, BTW), and doing the majority of child-rearing, I just don’t see what his major malfunction is. It’s really none of his coworkers’ damn business why you don’t work; a simple “it’s what works for us” is all a snoopy question like that merits.

[SanguineSpider]

I feel for you, dragongirl. I have one child and it’s a full time job with no sick pay and no vacation. It’s also the best job in the world but people don’t realize how intensive it is and how “on call” it is UNTIL they’ve done it. Getting a job, for you, would be a vacation but your husband wouldn’t understand. He either needs to get a better paying job and stop harping on you or… just STOP HARPING on you!

I bet if he lost his fabulous job and had to stay home, he couldn’t do a fifth of the stuff you do and do it well. WTF is so great about driving a truck, btw? I guess he enjoys NOT being around his wife and family. What a great way to get out of his responsibilities of raising his children so of course it’s the greatest job in the world to him. What a complete and utter jerkwad. He needs to pull his head out of his ass and be thankful he still has a wife at all!

IMHO, I don’t see him as a loving husband and I think you should leave. You’re going to keep having problems if everything is considered to be your fault. he’s not going to back down or admit his part in all of this. I really feel for you.

[SanguineSpider]

Oh, and tell his cow-orkers to fuck off. Their opinions count for shit.
Thank you… I’ve had my say.

[Mockingbird]

@dragongirl

Fourth, my husband would not take on any of the housework if I worked. When he first began taking to me about this, I explained my concerns and told him I would look around to see if I could do anything, but I would need him to take on some of the housework. He slammed his glass down on the table and said that if he’s going to be required to do housework he would leave me and do it by himself.

Then perhaps he should.

I think he’s easily pressured by his moron peers who seem to have no value for SAHMoms.

I’d hope he’d get a clue by four upside the head and realize that he’s being a dolt, but you deserve better than a schmuck who seems to know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

[vanilla]

I was going to suggest leaving too but thought it might be too rude, but now that Spider has mentioned it (no, you are not being rude but I didn’t want to be the first).
Where would she go?
Does she have family?

This whole slamming his glass down suggests an anger problem and maybe violence someday.,

[Beadalin]

IMHO, I don’t see him as a loving husband and I think you should leave. You’re going to keep having problems if everything is considered to be your fault. he’s not going to back down or admit his part in all of this. I really feel for you.

Seconded.

Combined with your other threads about your husband, dragongirl, I can’t believe that being married to this guy is doing you any good, nor is it setting a good example for your children. He compared your breasts to cow udders, he thinks he knows what you like in bed better than you do, he won’t fulfill his promises to help you get ready for your craft shows… he’s a dick. And he won’t/can’t go to counseling with you, nor support the idea of you going alone.

I wish you all the best, and I know this is not a simple situation with lots of solutions. I do think, though, that you should take some time to begin researching how you can get out and try to make it on your own. There is government assistance, United Way could help, there are shelters and other places that can take you and the children in and help you find a job for your skillset. You can even start taking online courses to expand that skillset. What I am getting at is that you are NOT stuck.

I suggest you start with United Way. Call 211, and tell them your situation. They can start connecting you with resources to help.

From United Way’s website:

Basic Human Needs Resources: food banks, clothing closets, shelters, rent assistance, utility assistance.

Physical and Mental Health Resources: health insurance programs, Medicaid and Medicare, maternal health, Children’s Health Insurance Program, medical information lines, crisis intervention services, support groups, counseling, drug and alcohol intervention and rehabilitation.

Employment Supports: financial assistance, job training, transportation assistance, education programs.

Support for Children, Youth and Families: child care, after school programs, Head Start, family resource centers, summer camps and recreation programs, mentoring, tutoring, protective services.

Good luck.

[Liberal]

Dragongirl, your husband is a jackass. That is not to say that he is irredeemable, but the next time he asks you to get a job, tell him that you have one already and that in fact you would like a raise. And if he threatens again to leave, calmly take a pad and pencil and say, “Okay, let’s just go over our assets and their values together. I can divide by two myself.”

[wonky]

Your husband sounds like a peach. A rotten, moldy peach, mind you, but a peach.

Is there any sort of supplemental income that you could get from home? Things like providing sitting for other women in similar situations? I honestly have no idea, so please don’t throw things at me.

Good luck.

[Q.E.D]

@Liberal

And if he threatens again to leave, calmly take a pad and pencil and say, “Okay, let’s just go over our assets and their values together. I can divide by two myself.”

Or hand him a key with a big tag attached that said “STREET”. Sheesh, what a bonehead your hubby is, dragongirl.

[misstee]

@dragongirl

First, we live in a very rural area. Our neighbors are not really close by. I am scared to leave my kids by themselves. When I was their age, I did stay by myself, but we had neighbors that were SAHMs that I could and did go to if I needed help. My neighbors also cooked dinner for my sister and me.

You are putting your kids safety ahead of a few bucks! Good for you.

Second, I have no job skills. I graduated from high school, but I’ve had no other education. I have looked into going back to school, but we honestly do not have the extra money for it right now. I would only be making minimum wage.

Minimum wage isn’t really a living wage. Taxes, transportation costs, clothing, meals… the money you would need to spend in order to have a job costs more than a job would pay.

Third, I would have problems with child care. The nearest friend I have could only watch my kids on an occasional basis. She lives 27 miles away, has 5 of her own children and MS. I would not make enough money to pay a daycare or a sitter.

Again, I agree with you in the sense that your kids are more important to you than a few bucks.

Fourth, my husband would not take on any of the housework if I worked. When he first began taking to me about this, I explained my concerns and told him I would look around to see if I could do anything, but I would need him to take on some of the housework. He slammed his glass down on the table and said that if he’s going to be required to do housework he would leave me and do it by himself.

Man, I probably would have replied to him when he said he would leave me with a “go ahead, sounds like you want me to do it all by myself and I would be much happier with out you”

I do not know you, but the picture you paint of your husband is not a very pretty one. I can only assume that there are sometimes when you guys are happy, or at least getting along.

Fifth, I am good at what I do. I don’t sit on my ass all day long. I volunteer at school, I’m a brownie leader and I work with my son’s youth group. I read the kids books every morning when they eat breakfast. And my daughter has a reading disability, so I help her with her reading every day, even in the summer time. Additionally, I do everything ! I do all the phone calls, banking, meetings, housework and errands. My husband has a reading disability also, so I help him with his paperwork every night .

I am a stay at home mom. I sit around a lot. I have a system that works for me. If everyone cleans up after themselves ( as they should ) it doesn’t take long to clean the house. We make games out of household chores - we sing songs while doing dishes. I also volunteer at school a lot. I enjoy spending time with my kids. I used to work a lot of crazy hours, I never realized how much I was missing out on until I got to stay home. What I don’t understand is does he think that the time you spend with your kids is wasted time?

What the fuck happened ? When did being a housewife become such a bad thing ? It’s news to me, I’ve been going along thinking that I was doing the right thing for my family. But everyone else thinks I just a lazy ass pig, watching soaps all day and eating bon bons.

If you feel you are doing the right thing for your family who cares what everyone else thinks?

I have never watched soaps while eating bon bons!

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

I call sexist hypocrisy.

If this was a man complaining that his wife wanted him to get off his unemployed ass and get a job, he’d get flamed to no end, especially if the wife was out working long hours as a truck driver. Why is acceptable for a woman to be a parasite but not a man?

[vanilla]

SHe takes care of the kids, the house, the cleaning (all of it).
How is that a parasite?

[alice_in_wonderland]

@Diogenes the Cynic

I call sexist hypocrisy.

If this was a man complaining that his wife wanted him to get off his unemployed ass and get a job, he’d get flamed to no end, especially if the wife was out working long hours as a truck driver. Why is acceptable for a woman to be a parasite but not a man?

Well, this is one of the stupidest posts I’ve ever read.

I was going to elaborate, but I realized it would be lost on you, if you are truely this ignorant.

[elfbabe]

@Diogenes the Cynic

Why is acceptable for a woman to be a parasite but not a man?

You tell 'em, DtC! A damn housework-doing, child-raising, errand-running, paperwork-doing, handicraft-selling parasite! :rolleyes:

Yes, I’m sure there would be a few people telling a male to get a job. But I’m sure they’d be quickly shouted down by those pointing out that the truck driver does not WANT to take a different job or assist with housework and that working outside the home would provide no net financial benefit to the family. You know, logical things.

[LibrarySpy]

@Diogenes the Cynic

I call sexist hypocrisy.

If this was a man complaining that his wife wanted him to get off his unemployed ass and get a job, he’d get flamed to no end, especially if the wife was out working long hours as a truck driver. Why is acceptable for a woman to be a parasite but not a man?

I guess you missed the recent thread where the guy pitted his wife for being a lazy bitch. Or the recent pitting of torie’s physical abuse of a male partner. Don’t worry, we’re looking out for your precious manhood. But thanks for trying to derail the thread with spewed garbage.

It’s not as if I do nothing to contribute to our income either. I crochet blankets and sweater and make decent money at craft shows. I also sell a lot of things on Ebay.

Good for you! Is there any way you can squirrel some away?