Nothing at all wrong with bing a SAHM, if that’s what you want to do. But it sounds like you are trapped doing it, and that’s not good. I love my wife, think she’s a great mom, and think she’d be a great SAHM. But I’m also glad that she has a degree, a career, and options…I don’t think I’d ever want her to stay with me because she felt she had to. At some point, I may make enough money for her to stay home…but, if something happens (no just divorce stuff, I mean if something happens to me), she can take care of everything without me.
A lot of things depend on your expectations from marriage- my wife and I are equal partners, and have shared in pretty much everything we do to keep our family functioning- cook, clean, errands, doctor visits, etc. etc. But that’s what we wanted, so we make an effort to make it that way. Of course, I’m one of those ‘modern men’ that actually enjoy a lot of household stuff- I’d probably be a SAHD if we could swing it.
From what I have read, your husband really doesn’t care about you, and has done everything imaginable to keep you tied to him. If I recall, you have no family close by, no education, and no skills. I don’t know that you have any friends outside of his circle. Unless you change one or all of those things, you’re pretty much stuck under his thumb. And don’t think he doesn’t know that.
Oohh…she crochets blankets. What does that bring in, five dollars a year from Aunt Mildred?
FTR, I don’t believe for a second that any man who refused to get a job to help his wife pay the bills would get a litany of “oh, you poor baby” posts.
IMO, no one is entitled to live off of anyone else. If both partys agree, that’s one thing, but “fuck you, support me” is quite another.
And I say that as someone who happens to be a stay at home dad during the week and only works on weekends. I also do the housekeeping and the cooking. This is how my wife prefers it for now, but if she needed me to put the kid back in day care and get a job, I would. Today. She does not owe me a living.
dragongirl, I think there is noting wrong with being a stay at home parent. We are not wealthy, or even upper middle class, and my husband is a stay at home dad. I think that having a loving parent staying home with the child or children is best, and that you have the temperment to do so should be applauded.
I know that many in your situation would try to get a job that would likely barely cover daycare, and if that is what they would rather do, fine, especially if they don’t feel that they would be up to staying at home. Staying at home seems to me far more demanding that most other jobs, and certainly one that I am not anxious to take up. BUT, just because many have made that choice, is no reason that all should, nor is it reason that those who don’t should be condemned, as so often seems to happen. I do not understand why a few dollars that you can manage to do without is more important than doing what you want and what is best for your children and best for you too. I don’t understand at all why following the new normal path of being a working mother is so important that even should a mother want to stay home, she is pressured not to. I thought that the battle for equal rights was for liberation, was so that women and men could choose to live as they pleased. Instead of liberation there is just a new norm that is as binding and stifling as the old one.
I am surprised that your husband who seems to value the traditional roles to the point that he would so vehemently reject doing any housework, is not man enough to stand up to peer pressure and instead is pressuring you to get a job. I get pressured too about my husband staying at home. I let them know that my husband is doing what I want him to do, and coincidentally what he has wanted to do all his adult life, and that is that.
As much as I detest DtC’s attitude in this thread he’s given me a glimmer of an idea.
Hubby wants you to work, dragongirl? Look for a weekend job, dear, and let dear hubby take care of the kids while you’re gone. I bet it’ll be about a month before he gets tired of it, but keep working until you have enough money saved up to hire a lawyer and divorce his ass.
How old are your kids, dragongirl? If they’re going to school during the day, could you get a part time job while they’re gone so you don’t have to pay childcare? Possibly work out a schedule with your husband (who sounds a pain in the ass, by the way) where he could look after the kids if you have to work late?
If the man does all the housework, takes care of the children, makes money for extras by various projects like crocheting blankets and selling things on E-bay, volunteers to help with the children’s groups, and still does his “husbandly duties” then he wouldn’t be a parasite either. I don’t care what the gender of the person who does such things is, male, female, hermaphrodite. What matters is that such things are an invaluable contribution to any family unit if it can be done. She puts just as many hours into the interests of her family as he does at work, if not more.
Any parent that can be a stay at home parent deserves respect, not sneering. They are able to do something for their family above and beyond what most can do these days. And, a lot of times it makes monetary sense in the end because of the costs that would be entailed if they got a job too.
Childcare costs money, did you miss the part where she said any money she made would be eaten up by childcare and fuel costs? (They live out in the country, remember?) It would cost them more, and they’d have less extras at this point in time, if she got employment outside the home. Did you miss the part where she can only get a minimum wage job because she has no job training, and they can’t afford to send her to school for it right now?
The OP DOES contribute to the household in a very big way, and deserves much more respect then to be called a parasite. Those children are getting DAMNED good care because she is able to give it to them. There is money for extras, because of the effort she puts out. There wouldn’t be if she got a minimum wage job, which she’d have to commute to, and they’d have to pay for childcare. They would also probably end up hiring a maid, since hubby won’t sully himself with housework. This would take up any money she’d make at her job, and then some.
Dragongirl Have you thought about finding an at home job that’s more obviously a job that you could do? Can you type? Maybe take up typing term papers for students? Can you sew? Maybe do tailoring or be a seamstress? Just a couple of ideas. There are other things out there that can be done at home though. Hang in there, and if it’s best for your family stick to your guns. sends good vibes
On preview. Why don’t you take her assessments at face value, DTC? Maybe it’s a bit of fear of change, but more likely than not she’s dead on accurate in her assessment. She’s the one that does the budget. Crocheted blankets go for big bucks actually, $50 easy for a lap blanket IIRC, maybe more. If she can sell more than one blanket per month on E-bay, she’d have a nice bit of money for extas. She more than “earns her keep”, as is.
dragongirl, you keep dancing around the problem. You have serious issues in your marriage, as evidenced by your other posts, and this is just the latest. Hubby won’t back you up. He’s a spineless weenie who doesn’t want to do housework and is feeling put upon by his co-workers.
Being a SAHM is a full-time job. You need counseling. Now. Why do you keep putting up with his crap?
No, actually it’s about $200.00 a month when I do craft shows, but most of my crochet work is custom orders from people who are willing to pay for that kind of thing. Over Christmas I’ve made quite a bit.
If I had skills to earn more money then my husband and he wanted to be a SAHD, that would be fine with me. But he likes his job and will not leave to stay home under any circumstances. His job makes him happy. Being a SAHM makes me happy.
I’ve never said “Fuck you, support me”. I worked until my first child was born. I went back to work six weeks after he was born. I was a waitress at Friendly’s BTW. I was not happy and neither was he. Nothing was getting done, I was exhausted and I got fired shortly after that because the sitter I had hired didn’t show up a lot of times. I asked my husband if he thought I should look for another job and he told me that it was better for me to just be a mom.
Nope, I don’t think he owes me a living either. I was under the impression that we worked together. Me doing the household things so he didn’t have to and him working so that I didn’t have to. Finanically, we have good times and bad times, but overall we’re OK.
My husband brings this up because everyone he works with keeps telling him that I should be working and he’s buying into it. What my husband is not doing is telling them the rest of the story. I have no skills, no sitter and no family to do it for free and that he comes home at all different times of the night, so a part time position won’t work either.
To be honest, we have a regular shitload of problems with our marriage. For reasons that are unclear to me, he forgets about the good I do and only believes bad. The guys who are telling him this stuff have never met me even once.
This is the part that bothers me. You may think you’re a team, but your husband doesn’t. Doesn’t he also not stand up to his family when they insult you, or am I thinking of someone else?
dragongirl, this latest incident is just a symptom. You’re not going to get anywhere until you start attacking the problem.
Well, if you wanted an answer to this problem, maybe you could run some numbers for your husband, i.e., this is minimum wage, this is the cost of child care, this is the cost of transportation, etc.
But why bother? From what you have told us about this guy, I just don’t think you can fix him. One of these days I think you’ll get a divorce, and when you do, you’ll only wish you’d done it sooner. Just be safe, and give this marriage some serious consideration! You could be a lot happier.
Your posts seem to be divorced from the reality of the OP. She is not qualified for a living wage. Any money she made would go to childcare and gas. Her getting another job would put the kids in danger (because of where they live), give her less time to do housework (because her husband can’t/won’t help out around the house). dragongirl getting a job would result in taking her out of the house for no reason other than to give more money to a daycare centre.
Unless you want to pay for her to go back to school so that she can get a job that will contribute to the household, and a place for her kids to stay while she’s there, STFU.
Dragongirl, I will stipulate that your husband is an asshole if you wants you to get a job and continue to do all the housework and everything else you do without any help from him.
I also apologize for the crochet crack and the overall tone of my first post (especially the “parasite” remark.)
I think I was emotionally reacting to an outpouring of sympathy that I typically don’t see for myself. Believe me, the “why don’t you get a job?” thing is a hundred times worse when you’re a man. I think I was just reflexively responding out of a “hey, why don’t I get this?” kind of feeling. It just seems to me like there’s a double standard with this stuff but I came at it from completely the wrong emotional angle and I’m sorry.
My situation with my wife is mutually agreed upon. It doesn’t matter that my wife wants it this way, I still get tons of grief and judgement. I can’t imagine what would happen if my wife wanted me to work full time and I refused. Her family would probably tell her to divorce me. Hell, my family would probably tell her to divorce me.
It’s not real good for the old male ego either. Ten years ago I thought I would be a college professor and a writer. Well, I still write, at least.
Anyway, I agree with those who say that it sounds like you may have deeper problems than this one with your marriage. If I may be so bold, do you love your husband? Is there joy in your marriage or do you just feel like you’re going through the motions and being dutiful?
I do agree with you and a lot of other folks, ivylass. Our marriage is in pretty bad shape. I’m not really sure what to do about it, a lot of my time is spend trying to figure out how to fix it.
I’m also scared. I’m not quite ready to give up on our relationship yet. In the past there were times that were very good.
There used to be times that people would say something to my husband and he would be mildly bothered by it, but now he takes it all in and says that I am the only person in the world who doesn’t make sense. I’m the first person to admit that I don’t know everything and I’m willing to listen to what other people have to say, but what works for them doesn’t always work for us.
He’s been comparing us to the loudest guy he knows, who has kids and a working wife. This guy works for a DPW, he’s home every day at 3:30. His wife is a dental technician and his mother watches the kids during the day. So, to me, there is no comparison.
For reasons that are unclear to me, my husband is very influenced by others. If one person he knows buys a truck, he wants a truck. If one guy he knows paints the house, he has to paint the house.
There is so much going on here that I don’t understand.
I also agree 100% with anyone that says I should get a skill of some sort. I’m just not real sure about how to get one. School for now is out, not only becasue of the cost, but also the distance. The two closest schools are either Scranton or Sussex, both are about an hour away from me. At this time I haven’t really looked into online classes. I may, when the kids start school again in the fall, but at this moment I can’t do it. The kids climb on me pretty much all day and I don’t think I could concentrate on what I’m doing and my husband gets upset if I’m on the computer at night.
A weekend job is also out. Husband works on Saturdays and he told me that he needs me home on Sundays so I can take care of the kids because he’s tired. To be fair I do understand that he’s tired.
I think it is perfectly fine to be a SAHM, because you are providing as much of a service to your family as you would if you were bringing in a salary. Your husband needs to realize that the work you do is just as necessary as the work that he does, if not more, because you stay on the clock 24/7. He is an idiot if he doesn’t get that by now.
Just from what I remember in previous posts, though, I don’t know if staying married to your husband is the smartest thing for you to be doing, and that may mean you need to consider entering the workforce in the very near future. Because you have no job, you are dependent on him. Because he has a job, there is nothing really preventing him from walking away from you and your kids, except maybe the fear of dust bunnies. You have significantly less power in this relationship than he does because you depend on him for vitals, while he depends on you for luxuries like a clean toilet and ironed clothes.
Your kids depend on the both of you.
If school is what it takes to get you a good job, then you need to set your sights on educational opportunities. Or maybe you can try to work on making your own business using the talent that you have? Do you have relatives or friends to lean on who live in a different area, where there may be more job opportunities?
In conclusion, being a SAHM is a smart decision if both parents are supportive of one another and the relationship is strong. In the absence of those things, though, it may not be the best decision. Just my opinion.
I’m a SAHM.
To be honest with you, I have never heard anyone tell me that “I need to get a job” or some similar sentiment. In fact, I usually get people telling me that I am lucky to be able to have that choice.
Your husband is a jackass.
I hope you realize that while you are doing a swell job as a mom, staying with this guy sends a really strong message to your children about what is acceptable behavior in relationships. Never stay together for the sake of the children.
The only other advice I can give you is to take up, if possible, some vocation. Even if you decide to stay with him. My Aunt was in a situation very similar to yours (except my Uncle wasn’t a jerk). One day he was in an accident and died. She had a really rough time finding a way to support herself.
Regardless,
parents that stay home do have a hard job. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I love it to death.
dragongirl, there’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM. There is something wrong with your man. There may come a time when you decide that your life would be better without him than with him, and you should consider preparing for that time, now.
There are things you can do now to make yourself marketable in the future. I assume you have a computer. With skills in common office software (okay, “Office” software, we all know who I’m talking about), you can get hired in lots of places and more than minimum wage in most areas.
You’re already doing some of the things you need to, in order to craft a resume. You’re volunteering in your kids’ activities - try to find ways to help out that involve organizing other people (school Room Mom, PTA involvement), and that require using spreadsheet, word processing and database software. When my wife returned to the workforce after 12 years off, she had a resume packed with PTA, Church Council and other unpaid positions that required the exact same skills as a paying position in any office.
A nice thing about volunteer jobs - lots of times, they’re very kid-friendly; no daycare worries.
It’s really a matter of channeling some of the energies you’re already expending into directions that will also give you job skills you can put on a resume later, should you ever need to or want to.
About five years into our marriage, my husband turned into an asshole. He listened to a so-called friend who told him that he had to be manly, and manly meant never asking questions, never admitting any woman or girl knew something he did not. He would do things like order me to have dinner ready at a set time for him and his friends and then not show or call to let me know he would not be home for dinner, or even let me know where he was. His temper grew short and I grew afraid of him. I made plans to leave him.
He had an epiphany one day when I was there for him and is so called friend was not. He stopped talking to that so called friend and worked on our relationship and it became stronger than ever.
People can change. I hope your husband wises up before it is too late.
Believe it or not, you do have a skill that might get you further than you think: You can crochet. Have you ever considered giving lessons? I know spare time for you is virtually non-existent, but you might be able to fit lessons in around your regular responsibilities if you were willing to have students come to your home. You could probably find a lot of interested persons at the craft shows you attend, and maybe even at the stores where you shop for supplies.
This may not do much to help you in your current situation, but the point is: Please don’t sell yourself short. You are obviously a bright person. While you might not have the traditionally marketable skills that would allow you to get the sort of job that would make your husband happy (or at least shut him up for a while), you still have plenty going for you. Don’t give up on finding something that you love to do that might also help you make some extra money.
I think she puts up with it because she can’t imagine making enough money to support herself and the kids. But hubby will have to support the kids (and probably you for a while), so a part-time or minimum wage gig may be all you need. There are ways to make it work. I believe your kids are in their 'tweens, right? They should be OK by themselves for at least a couple hours a day.
You are a SAHM and your husband is a SHAM (Shit Head Adult Male). Figure out a way to get out of there.