What's so wrong with being a SAHM ?

The BBQ Pit
41

There’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM (or dad for that matter).

There is something wrong with your husband.

After a long night of math, two of my friends decided that they would actually have a higher net income if the wife quit her job and stayed home with the two kids. Since she was working at a Goddard school at the time, I trust that they knew the costs of daycare.

Later, things changed and she was working, while he took some kind of severance package from the lay-off-crazed corporation he worked for, and took care of the house and kids and worked on getting more IT certifications for his next job.

The important thing is that each spouse is contributing something. If you sat on the couch all day, watching soap operas, and only moving when you ran out of bon bons (I suspect this is rather close to the picture your husband has of you), then he would have a point. However, you’re cleaning, cooking, keeping the kids safe, healthy and entertained, and running various errands.

42

FTR, Ivylad is a SAHD. Due to a back injury that happened at work, he’s on workers comp. It just evolved that I work and he stays at home helping the kiddos with homework. He’s the one who informed me our washing machine is leaking every third load.

I see nothing wrong with one parent staying home with the kids. It doesn’t matter who.

And, Dio, I think you need a thicker skin. I applaud that one of your children’s parents is staying home with them. The other nosy neighbors (and family, for that matter) can go hang. I think you and your wife are doing an excellent thing.

43

dragongirl

This relationship IS NEVER going to get better. You have to come to terms with that.
Run. Please.

44

dragongirl, I’ve been trying to stay out of this as I think advice from outsiders on personal matters is in general not a good thing. But, damn! Here is a guy who insults his wife’s physical appearance; who seems ready to leave at the drop of a hat (and if I remember correctly from another thread, has even told you he wanted to but you could keep the health insurance, etc.); who, despite the fact you are on call and working all day and most of the night, seven days a week – wants you to be there on Sundays because he’s tired from sitting on his ass in a truck all week; and gives you shit because of what the guys he works with are saying. (And another thing, he is probably speaking ill of you to his co-workers and this is what has resulted in their attitude toward you, a person they’ve never met. I can’t imagine people asking such negative and accusatory questions to someone about a spouse that that person has clearly shown his love, respect and regard for.) He appears to not give a shit about you or your kids as he would consign all of you to very disadvantageous circumstances to suit his own wishes, and seems to feel no compunction whatever about leaving his children fatherless so he doesn’t have to pick up after himself and share part of the load. This guy is the most selfish, self-absorbed asshole I can remember hearing about on this board.

I’m sure it’s difficult for someone who feels as limited in their prospects as you seem to be to contemplate leaving him, and I can understand your reluctance to do so…particularly for your children’s sake. If you were on your own, you’d still have to do all the housework, shopping, etc., plus pay for daycare! You’d probably be working two jobs just to make it, and nothing positive would have resulted. You would still be working your butt off, your kids would still be left alone or expensively cared for, and they’d still have in effect only one parent.

However, I do think alternatives are available. Have you considered some sort of federal, state, county or city government job. Many of them have great benefits, lots of days off, considerably better than average pay, and sometimes help with childcare. And you might want to consider talking to some employment agencies. Explain your situation to them and they might be able to direct you toward a job with the most advantages for someone in your position.

I don’t know how you really feel about this guy, and I imagine you may not really know, either. But I can’t imagine someone with true independence putting up with someone like him for very long. If you could make it and make it well on your own and were staying with him because you love him in spite of his flaws, that’s one thing. But if you’re staying with him because you feel trapped, you owe it to yourself and your children to find a happier life.

So far as we know, you only go around once…and as the man said: “How you spend your days is, of course, how you spend your life.”

45

Wow, mysoginist much?

She’s doing her part. And even if she were to do more, he’s said he won’t help her out by picking up slack around the house. So, to avoid being the parasite, she should do EVERYTHING around the house, and have a job on top of that, and raise the kids while he’s out and about?

That’s bullshit.

The husband is an asshole. IT seems to me that they had an arrangement, but he wants to change it, but only if the change doesn’t effect what he does with his time any.

46

Oh, yeah…what Kalhoun said! I forgot about the alimony/child support aspect to this. You might want to consult with an attorney to see what you would likely be entitled to regarding child support and alimony. It sounds like your husband has a pretty good job that he isn’t likely to leave, which would bode well for your ability to collect should he decide for whatever reason that he didn’t want to pay.

Your situation might be considerably brighter than it first appears.

47

My husband’s expression was that he was “man enough” to support his family, and didn’t want me to work (for pay, that is). Then when it was time to pay taxes, he’d complain that I never contributed any money to the family to help pay them with! Now the children are grown and on their own, and he and I can laugh about those days, partly because we’ve been divorced for 26 years. I worked once I was single, of course, and now am drawing Social Security, which is pitifully small because I stayed home and raised children all that time.

Just another facet of life you don’t realize until you get to it.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do. I’m sure it’ll be the best for you and your children.

48

I have a friend whose husband stays home with the three kids while she works. It would cost waaay too much to put them all in daycare full time, and they have the luxury of getting to know their dad. I think its great if you can afford it.

49

I bailed out on 2 very bad [1 extremely violent] relationships, so I have been trying to stay out of it as well…

I would like to point out…If you do leave the chump, and get a job [especially if you can get into the postal service or someother civil service job]

YOU CAN MOVE AND LIVE ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO.

You can live 5 minutes from your friend, or a relative, or a dependable babysitter…
You can move into a gated apartment community or safe neighborhood where your kids would be safe left at home [if they are minimum of like 10 or 12, depending on your areas rules…]

You can still do your crocheted goodies on the side.

You WILL qualify for at least child support!!! [and probably alimony as well=)]

Yes, you will be doing all the cooking and cleaning, but don’t your kids have to clean up after themselves and help out around home?

It is terrifying leaving a relationship, but sometimes a bit of terror and temporary instability is better in the long run. You have people here to talk with…

50

There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM.

Every marriage is a partnerships. Decisions need to be made by both partners. If there is something as important as being a SAHM, moving, major purchases, career changes, etc, they need to be made as a partnership.

Your husband is a jackass.

DtC has a point. No one has the right to be supported by someone else - except perhaps minor children. If your husband is unwilling to support you, you have a problem, as you are not able to support yourself.

You are painted into a corner. You don’t want to work. He wants you to work. He’s a jackass. If you dump him, or he dumps you, you probably won’t be able to be a SAHM. He doesn’t seem to see the value of what you do (and frankly, I don’t either - I see the value of being a SAHM of small kids - you work your butt off watching little kids - but I wonder what you do every day from 9 to 3 during the school year. My housekeeper spent 3 hours a week cleaning my house, that fills 1/12 of your time. Crafting is cool, but in my mind its a hobby. Volunteering for Scouts is cool, but its a volunteer activity, to be undertaken when your other committments are met).

I also see the other side. One of my coworkers has a wife who is a SAHM. Their children are old enough to care for themselves. She, too, is very involved in running them around and their activities. But he is frustrated because their income is tight and she won’t even consider a job. Not even part time while the kids are in school. That puts a lot of pressure on him. Every time lay off discussions happen, he is faced with the possibility that losing his job will mean losing their only income. When gas goes up, they have no buffer in their expenses - and when raises aren’t given to compensate for cost of living increases, they lose money. They are losing ground and, in his mind, she doesn’t care enough to even try to help. Moreover, he perceives his time as taken - he works a lot, spends more time commuting, has responsibilities at home and with the kids (which it doesn’t sound like your husband bothers with), and has had little time to pursue his own interests - while she has almost seven hours a day in which to clean the house, pay the bills, do the shopping, cook the food (all of which takes an hour or two a day) and then pursue her own interests.

51

Diogenes, good man that he is, reversed his position and apologized. He also explained why he had held it. Perhaps you should adjust that hinge in your knee.

52

I am going to tell you this as a woman who is concerned for you and your children.

That man that you had those good times with is gone. All people change. Sometimes couples grow together, sometimes they grow apart. Loving what you used to have will never, EVER bring it back and the sooner you look that in the eye and it’s existance, the sooner you will learn to heal and move on.

Quit looking back, start looking forward. I will also chime in and agree with those who have stated what a Grade-A jackass this fellow is.

And if he’s not really that bad, then you are painting him out to be a monster, which should tell you alot about your feelings on this marriage.

You must have family somewhere that you can turn to right now. Let them know the situation, ask for someone’s help. Good grief. You only get so much life to live, is this how you pictured yourself spending it?

53

and ACCEPT it’s existance, rather.

Bleeh.

54

Dangerosa raises good points. Your kids are old enough to do a lot around the house. To do all of it yourself actually does them a disservice, because they will never really see housekeeping as a part of their responsibilities. They are also old enough to make their own breakfasts, prepare their own school lunches, and stay home alone for a few hours. Keep on doing stuff for them and they will always expect it of you, even when they are 30 years old still living with Ma.

I’m sure if you got a job and suddenly found yourself with less free time to do every little thing for your kids, they would have no choice but to become more self-sufficient and less demanding. I think everyone in your family should be striving for more independence.

55

Or, accept its existence even.

:smiley:

56

cough And then there’s that.

57

A few of thoughts. Firstly, you enjoy being at home, right? If you’d like to get a job that’s a different thing entirely.

Secondly, how old are the kids? Did I miss this? It obviously makes a big difference whether they require literal 24h care, or should be ok so long as you’re in the house.

Thirdly, husband=being a jerk. Obvious, but worth pointing out. But even so, you’re doing well to understand what’s brought it on. For any resolution, you’ll have to understand what he really wants. (For instance, would he be happy if he can say you “Work part time at xxxx” even if that’s a slight exagaration?) You might want to seriously look at what jobs are possible. Working from home? Anywhere with cheap childcare? Expanding your existing activities? If there’s definately no way, that puts you in a much stronger position. And you never know, there might be something that grabs your fancy. Also, it probably won’t work, but try to involve your husband. Don’t just react, say “What do you think I should do?” See if you can get him to see the problems, rather than just shouting at you. I know that’s hard and probably impossible, but you could try.

Finally, remember you might want a job when the kids are older. If there’s anything that can put you in a better position if you do, it might be worth thinking about it.

Kudos to you, my man. Your first post was pretty jerkish, but it’s a good man who can recognise that, apologise, realize and explain why, and still retain the original (good) point.

And sympathies for your situation. I can imagine how awful people can act to you. Out of curiousity, what is your situation, if you don’t mind? Are you looking after kids?

58

I agree with the first part. But Dragongirl and her husband have been married a fairly long time. And her kids are not babies. Arrangments change. Dragonboy may have not realized she intended the arrangement to be “I get to be a housewife forever while you support me.”

In almost all cases I know, the initial arrangment was, or was understood to by by the working partner, “I’ll be a SAHM until the kids get into school and we don’t need daycare.” IIRC, Dragongirl’s kids are past that age.

Now, I understand that there are some extenuating circumstances, one of the children needs some special care. But it doesn’t sound like the child is so special needs that she requires round the clock attention. Dragongirl has enough time to be able to crochet enough that she can make an income at it. That’s implying either a very efficient needlewoman or a lot of freetime.

59

We have a four-year old daughter. I was working full time for a while and we had our daughter in full-time care, but after doing some math, we realized that half my paycheck was simply going to to pay the daycare and that there wasn’t much of a net drop in finances if we took her out of care and I just worked on the weekends (my wife had by far the better paying job) and this way the kid’s home with me instead of cooped up in a daycare, plus it gives me time to be a housekeeper and a cook as well as to trot the little tyke out for daytime activities like the zoo, or swimming lessons.

It works out well for us and our daughter is much happier being at home than in daycare but, unfortunately, a lot of people tend to make us feel defensive about the arrangement. I’m always getting unsolicited advice about job opportunities from family members or comments from neighbors, etc. It’s like people can’t seem to grasp that I’m home because I chose to be. They always seem to think it’s a temporary setback and that I need to get back out there and hit pavement looking for work.

60

Hey DtC,

keep your chin up-the kid will thank you when she’s old enough. I have/had a HouseDad too (although he has a job and he’s really good at it so it takes him very little time but it’s not as though our neighbours knew this) who was very happy to be there and it has made for some wonderful memories. We have some friends where the wife was a fund manager and the husband was a teacher-they ended up with 4 kids close in age so he just quit his job to take care of them. My sister is marrying someone who has simply declared that he would prefer to stay-at-home while she works (he’s an entrepreneur and she’s going to med school). Things aren’t changing that fast but they ARE changing and while there are people out there (relatives :)) constantly harping on it-there are more and more of us who have been raised in these types of households and appreciate the work/experience of a SAHD.