Has this become an all-purpose venting thread? Because at a certain point I just accepted that time does not mean the same thing to my husband as it does to me. I get anxious about being late so I’m usually early, whereas he is frequently late for a whole host of different reasons (and to be fair there are usually no real consequences, so maybe I’m the one who should learn a lesson about not being so rigid in my planning???)
For the most part it is one of those “it is what it is” things, cuz it’s simply never going to change. But when we have an obligation that is legitimately time-sensitive (at least in my mind) and I try to ahem gently encourage him to get everything squared away and start getting ready, he gets mad that I’m treating him like a child. shrug Pick your battles, I suppose.
Similar to some of the anti-mask and anti-vax stuff, I wonder how much of the chronic lateness in some people is just a big “you can’t tell me what to do” to the world?
I’m not trying to equate those things, just that perhaps the psychological response some people have to being told to wear a mask or arrive at a certain time are the same—rebellion and obstinance. I’m also not saying that’s why all people are late.
I agree with puzzlegal. Do you know what it’s like for an ADD Dude?
a. Put pizza in.
b. Set time for… damn, I forgot how long.
c. Dig pizza box out of recycling bin (which is already at the curb).
d. Run back up the driveway, repeating “20 min, 20 min…”
e. On a good day, set timer for 20 minutes.
f-q. Now, what to do with that 20 minutes? Hey, I could get ANYthing done now! Clean out that closet, balance the checkbook, orrrr… y’know what, I bet someone’s replied to that Lateness thread! Let’s just check the laptop… for one minute, max! But, I always check the Pit before MPSIMS and ohmigosh someone resurrected that old "Quit saying Regards" thread, gotta quick click on that, and of course the Monthly Mini-Rants; hey, isn’t it about time for a new one? If I could come up with a cool name, I’d start one… wait, was that a beep a while ago? Mayyyyybe, it does smell like pizza on a campfire…
I am anywhere from slightly early to an hour or more late when the time doesn’t really matter. If the situation only affects me – say, I’m trying to get to town in time to do six different errands while the relevant places are still open – I’m likely to be later than if, say, I’m on my way to visit somebody. However, for most social events I go to, arrival times are approximate, and there’s often an hour or more leeway.
I am nearly always between slightly early and about ten minutes late when the time does matter, but doesn’t matter to the point of, say, somebody missing their plane. In order to accomplish this I screw up the rest of my day.
If the time matters to the point of missing the plane or equivalent, I will be early – probably somewhere between an hour and fifteen minutes early. In order to accomplish this I screw up the rest of my day and very likely some of the day before. And I’m not going to do it if I’m expected to hide in the alley and pretend I’m not there yet.
What I was objecting to is that people have been repeating in this thread that nobody’s complaining about anyone being only ten or fifteen minutes late.
For one thing: sometimes we are early. If you think early is normal, you’re just not noticing. If the early people are hiding in the alleyway until they think it’s safe to knock on your door, then you’re definitely not going to notice.
For another: it’s generally considered rude in social contexts to show up early; and in a lot of business contexts either it’s impolite or the location will be inaccessible. If we’re going to be criticized whether we show up early or late, there’s not a whole lot of incentive to make it early.
And it’s always possible not to be early; because if one is, one can go do something else and come back later; whereas once one’s late, there’s no way to back up and come earlier.
There are a lot of situations in which there’s no comfortable place to sit and read a book chapter without being in anyone’s way and while still guaranteeing that one can get back to the appointment on time. Plus, of course, some people may get lost in the book; or be unable to keep track of what they’re reading because they keep wondering if the alarm’s just about to go off.
No, it doesn’t. You have no idea how hard they were trying to be on time.
No. I’m on record that if not informed otherwise I’m likely to take it that way because that’s what it would mean in my social group in general.
Of course not. Do you think that everything ends later because somebody arrived late?
The other thing that happens is that something gets cut out of the day altogether.
If I get to town too late to do those six errands before the businesses close, some of them won’t get done that day. I’ll do the most urgent, and for the other items do without or wait till the next trip to town. Or, depending on what they were, just don’t do those things.
And for a lot of people, at least part of what gets cut out is getting enough sleep. Which makes them groggy the next day, and the grogginess is part of what makes them run late. (If everybody’s lucky, that is. If not, maybe what it does is cause a car crash.)
You keep leaving “occasionally” out and that changes the whole meaning.
It’s occasionally considered rude to show up early in a social context * - but if we are supposed to meet at a restaurant at 7:00 and you get there at 6:45, no one is going to consider you rude. You might have to wait for me to get there - but if you have a problem waiting 15 minutes for me to arrive at the agreed-upon time but expect me not to be annoyed when you show up 15 minutes after the agreed-upon time, then that’s the issue right there.
I know of no business context where it is considered impolite to be early - you might have to wait until your appointment time, but that’s not the same thing as being considered rude.
* and there’s a huge difference between showing up 15 minutes early to pick me up for a trip to the mall and showing up an hour early for a dinner invitation or a party.
When i have a meeting in person with senior management, i show up early. And i hide. Because it IS weird and a little rude to just hang out in front of their office.
You’re missing the point - how hard they TRY doesn’t matter one bit. And I don’t care one bit. What matters is whether they are there on time or not. Anything else is inconsiderate.
Maybe they need to plan a half hour ahead. Maybe they need to plan an hour ahead. Doesn’t matter. What matters is that they’re there at the agreed upon time.
For all the excuses and bullshit thrown around in the thread, it always seems like these chronically late people get their shit together when it matters to THEM- jury duty, court appearances, job interviews, work (if they work somewhere that it matters), etc… And if they can’t, it’s not anyone else’s job to adapt to their inability to function like a grown adult.
So why can’t they do it in other circumstances? Because they care more about themselves than about others, that’s why.
In my social group, i tell the person what time to expect me, and then as i back out of my driveway i check Google maps and text them, saying, "eta 5:07”, or whatever. I’ve found Google maps is usually accurate to within a minute or two, so they have about half an hour of warning as to when I’ll arrive.
People continue to get rides from me, so that seems to be acceptable.
This thread reminds me of a saying we had, back when all my friends and I lived in some sort of communal housing or other. “There are two kinds of people, people who are neat and responsible, and people who are fun to be with.”
I knew exactly one person who was both. One. I really don’t know how he did it.
Because I am a socially anxious, hyper-responsible person, I am neat, responsible, and on time. Guess what I am not.
Those who hope to punish people who have disappointed their expectations, expectations which they are rigid about with themselves as well, do not fall into the fun to be with category. They may not know that about themselves. Or care, if they do.
Then you really need to get out more. Most people who are “neat and responsible” don’t also have crippling social anxiety and so are also “fun to be with.” If you are not, that has no relevance to the majority of other people.
Maybe you should try saying what you mean if you expect people to take your point?
I can and will do that sort of thing if requested; and I sometimes request it of other people – I ask my sister, for instance, to call when they’re actually leaving for the four-plus hour drive here (a time which IME can vary by up to several hours from their original guess), and they’ll often call again when about half an hour out.
Otherwise, if I’m going to be significantly later than expected (an amount of time which varies with the circumstance and with previous experience with the people), I’ll call. And I will sometimes also tell people ‘if you’re going to be later than around x, give me a call.’
People who assume that anyone who runs late must be doing it to spite them are rarely if ever fun to be with; though I suppose they might be to other people who like to share indignant stories about the failings of others.
Not everyone who is “neat and responsible” falls in that category, of course. Even if what they’re “neat and responsible” about is being, themselves, on time.
My point is that basically it’s a Yoda sort of thing - Do or do not, there is no try. Nobody cares if you tried or not if you’re late, because you’re LATE. If you really cared enough to ACTUALLY try to be on time, you’d be on time because you’d budget your time and plan ahead and put being on time ahead of whatever else it is that is standing in your way. But saying you tried and failed just doesn’t cut it if it’s a chronic thing- it doesn’t matter that you tried, it matters that you failed.
I do know more people now, who are both. I think this is a function of maturity – many people who are rigidly judgmental about others’ behavior tend to lighten up as they slowly realize that in the majority of cases it isn’t worth casting an angry pall over everything, and in the carefree section, many learn how to put in the amount of effort needed to look responsible.
In both cases, learning to empathize and then harmonize with someone else’s different challenges and strategies is something that tends to come with experience.
I’ve been analyzing my life (just so I have something new for this thread), and I think I found another reason I’m late:
I’m an optimist.
So of course it only takes half an hour to get to the airport, because that’s when everything goes right… which it WILL this time, I truly believe it.
And if I somehow mange to leave 35 minutes before I have to be there, well then I’ve got PLENTY of time to stop and get coffee, because BEST CASE SCENARIO, I can find a parking spot right in front and just pop in and grab one in four minutes.
Yeah, I thought that was bullshit when I first heard it, and I think it’s bullshit now. Lots of people, in lots of areas, try their butts off and don’t accomplish what they’re trying to accomplish. If there’s no sense in trying unless there’s a guarantee that one’s going to succeed, then there’s no sense in trying at all; and nobody’s even going to learn how to walk across a room, let alone to accomplish any version of a halfway livable civilization.
– I think that’s half of what ticks me off about that saying. We are never going to accomplish a society that works excellently well for everyone in it. It’s not humanly possible. But it is absolutely essential that we keep trying anyway.
Much of the rest of it is: so, you’ve got a four year old kid trying hard to draw a really good picture of a horse. There’s no way they’re going to succeed. They don’t have the muscle coordination. Yoda’s telling that kid not to bother trying.
The thing is, being on time isn’t that hard. You just adjust as you go- if you left 15 minutes early for somewhere, and you weren’t on time, next time you leave 20 minutes early.
Use Waze/google maps to give you an idea of how traffic is. Then add 5-10 minutes to that, if you know where you’re going to park. If not, then add 10-15. And add a 5 minute cushion regardless of whatever else you do.
That’s it- it’s a matter of prioritization. I don’t think it’s something certain people can’t achieve, it’s something certain people choose NOT to achieve, because they’re prioritizing other things. Which is their choice, but they shouldn’t expect anyone to accommodate them or not think they’re being self-centered when they are constantly late.
There have been multiple threads on this subject. On time folks will never understand people that are habitually late. Not talking about the unexpected accident or burst pipe or whatever.
For myself, and my Wife, we are on time because it is LESS stressful to us. And also having to rush can mean that you will forget something.
And I understand that airports can be a stressful place to hang out. But, I’d rather hang out there with a book and a drink than wondering for two hours while on the road if I’m going to make the flight or not. So I go and relax once at the airport.
My Wife and I live pretty remote. At this moment, I have a 1200 pound 18 point moose resting in our yard. If I had to leave the house right now I would have to be a little cautious. But I know how to deal with it. Basically, make sure you can get in the house or car before the moose can get to you. Moma bears with cubs are a whole different story though.
An airport with thousands of people is a bit different. But we make it easier by just being on time.
Yeah. They look like gentle lumbering beasts. The back of the bull in the yard is as tall as my 4Runner. So basically the size of a big horse. But they can be fast and aggressive. They are clearly not afraid of anything, which makes me sure to look around before I step outside.
And yes I would rather hang with the moose than the airport. But ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
And it doesn’t help a bit to talk about getting places on time as if that were a process that only starts when one starts to walk out to the car.
What if who they’re prioritizing is other people?
What makes a lot of people late is their responsibilities, direct or indirect, to others in addition to those they’re supposed to meet.
Me too. I’d have to learn some moose; but I doubt it’s harder than learning cat, dog, or horse.
Other mammals make sense. It’s humans who don’t.
Also, I doubt the air or lighting around a moose is likely to make me feel an urgent need to get outside. (Though a moose unexpectedly inside might well do so --)