On the one hand, if someone perceives time differently, and their brain doesn’t identify deadlines as significant, it is probably hard for them to understand how they would negatively impact someone else in the time arena.
On the other hand, this is the world we all live in. You gotta find a way. We had a nanny with this issue who consistently showed up 15 to 30 to 90 minutes late, and we had to fire her. She had no awareness that she was late and didn’t seem to care that we were losing too much money to afford her paychecks. It didn’t work out.
I think it’s kind of passive aggressive to subtly cough or ahem. Just say, “excuse me, could i grab some ketchup?”, or “excuse me, could you move your cart?” Any normal person will immediately respond, even if they are generally oblivious.
And no one on their right mind will take a request like that as a conversation starter. Honestly, “ahem” is more of a conversation starter.
Well, then i guess I’m an on-time person. If I’ve agreed to be at a place with another person at a time, I’ll be there within those limits. If it’s just me (i want to get to the party by 8, but the party started at 6 and I’m not expected at any special time) I’m likely to run more like half an hour late, because dealing with time and estimating time are hard for me, and i simply don’t work that hard if it’s just me.
But my brother is a late person by any standard. He once showed up 3 hours late to Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t think he’s capable of being on time. I just don’t make any plans with him that require timeliness. I don’t get all cranky and angry at him. And i know he really does care about me. It’s not about me, it’s him.
By my standards, yes. I think you have to be a real asshole to not allow for five or even ten minute’s grace unless, once again, it’s something absolutely time sensitive to the minute. But I’ve long since decided not to get grumpy about this kind of stuff. Life’s too short.
My Step Daughter is a late person as in at least half an hour. We used to tell her a time earlier than we needed her somewhere. She is an independent safety inspector? or something like that. I assume she’s on time for that stuff as she’s damn smart and professional. We don’t see her much anymore 'cause she works all over the country and lives about an hour away. I should ask her if she’s over come her lateness or people who need her expertise just deal.
What I find is that the selfishness of the late person is that they are willing to waste your time because of unimportant things they want to do. I know habitual late people will talk about perception and different values etc. but really, you do not need to hit the snooze alarm 4 times to get “five more minutes” of sleep. You do not need to play your game on your cell phone for 40 minutes while sitting on the toilet. You do not need to finish watching that movie before you leave.
I start to get anxious if it looks like I’ll be running late. Partly it’s because I consider it rude to show up late (I do not subscribe to the “early is on time” theory), partly it’s because I don’ want to miss out on things, and … there are probably a bunch of other deep subconscious reasons too.
My wife mostly doesn’t care if she’s late. Except for things that are really important to her, in which case she cares a lot.
I have only known two people who were late purely because they didn’t give a shit about other people and their needs. To be that selfish and oblivious in a culture that places enormous importance on timeliness is quite unusual, despite what the angry posters above believe.
I’ve known a lot of chronically late people though. Except for the cases above, they all had executive-function difficulties which also expressed themselves in other ways besides lateness. If you can’t tell that making a last minute phone call or folding your laundry is going to take up so much time that you will arrive to your appointment late, that is an executive function disorder. It may appear to the inconvenienced that you deliberately chose something inconsequential over them, but that is not generally the case.
Yeah, this ascribing motive and intent to lateness is ableist. Yes, people with executive function disorders have to figure out a way to be on time, but it is likely a billion times harder than it is for a neurotypical person. It’s frustrating, to be sure, but the presumption of inherent selfishness is uncalled for.
I am not the poster, but here are my thoughts on why they might have mentioned race:
there exists a little more tension in interactions between strangers of different races in the US, so the difference in race might be why the people who heard the throat-clearing thought it was directed at them (or were afraid to fail to react in case it was directed at them.)
it’s just a random description of the people, like mentioning that they both wore hats. Perhaps it was unusual to see Black people in that setting.
I’m 100 miles from home right now. Very comfortable. I don’t have to get home except ‘today’ but, I am done here. I could sit on my ass, or find other things to do here. But, it’s already been a very busy weekend and I should be home.
This post is my procrastination. I need to hit the road.
I am quite familiar with executive dysfunction. Do some habitually late people have it? Of course. BUT even in this thread we see that’s not often the case. We’ve had people that refuse to admit 10am = 10am but instead equals some nebulous time between 10am and 10:20am. Another issue I have seen is that some late people are “always right” meaning they insist it takes 30 minutes to drive to the doctor’s office when even on a good day with no traffic and a tailwind it has never taken less than 40 minutes and FU if you tell them it will take more than 30 minutes. According to them you can check your bag, get through TSA and get to your gate in 90 minutes and there is no reason to allow for any slack time because how dare you question them that it will take more than 90 minutes. Those people are like flat-earthers in that they refuse to acknowledge any evidence to the contrary and more over get pissed off if you present them with evidence.
That is my experience, too. As a retired physician from a high-volume practice x 35 years, I’ve had many patients who were habitually and chronically late for their appointments. These patients, in general, often exhibited a selfish personality to some degree. It’s one thing to waste your own time by being late to a party, movie or something similar. But, it’s quite another thing to waste other people’s time on a regular basis, particularly when it has a ripple effect, putting others behind schedule, too. Psychological issues excluded.
It has been explained over and over and over in this thread, including in the article that recently revived it, that this is a difference between social groups.
