So this whole resurrection thing is based on the integrity of some nameless guard, who could have been asleep or drunk or bribed while the body was stolen?
According to Matthew, the guard was asleep. Peter suggests that the guard was a Roman–for which sleeping on duty was punishable by death–but Matthew is silent on this point and the guard could have been Jewish, since it was a request by the chief priests.
Zombie, since he had a physical body. Or possibly a vampire.
The apocryphal Gospel of Peter has an explanation of how the resurrection occurred:
And in the night in which the Lord's day was drawing on, as the soldiers kept guard two by two in a watch, there was a great voice in the heaven; and they saw the heavens opened, and two men descend from thence with great light and approach the tomb. And that stone which was put at the door rolled of itself and made way in part; and the tomb was opened, and both the young men entered in.
When therefore those soldiers saw it, they awakened the centurion and the elders; for they too were hard by keeping guard. And, as they declared what things they had seen, again they see three men come forth from the tomb, and two of them supporting one, and a cross following them: and of the two the head reached unto the heaven, but the head of him that was led by them overpassed the heavens. And they heard a voice from the heavens, saying, Thou hast preached to them that sleep. And a response was heard from the cross, Yea.
Full article.
He was on his cellphone. And text messaging took a lot longer in those days, since you had to rearrange tablets.
Bribery is an accusation that cuts two ways, you know:
Note that “guard”, though a singular noun, need not refer to a single man; when they change the guard at Buckingham Palace, the entire work detail is changed over.
As for what “the whole resurrection thing” is based on, the appearances of the Risen Christ are inconsistent with the theft of a dead body.
Not heard of that spate of taxidermist puppeteers going round?
As plausible as the next conspiracy theory, I’d opine. 
Maybe he was just mostly dead ?
Look, arguing about details in this story would be like arguing about what happened at Harry Potter’s birthday party. If it happened 2000 years ago, and the only eyewitnesses couldn’t read or write, there was no way to record the events except oral history, no one tried to record them for 30 years anyway, and, since the scientific method hadn’t been developed, the only stories then were equivalent to today’s conspiracy theories as mangled by retelling, assumptions of paranormal events as common occurances, in a time of a total lack of discrimination as to validity or veracity, using highly unreliable accounts which may be total fiction to begin with.
After J.K. Rowling dies, how worthwhile would it be to argue about the color of Harry’s socks at his 12th birthday party unless she wrote it down somewhere?
He was driving through Atlanta, on his way back from Florida (why else would old people go to Florida? Heaven is a shorter trip.), and he forgot to take the bypass.
One hell of a shortcut.
And the ad on that page is for Hellboy II 
It seems to me a Friday resurrection would have been too early and some may not have believed he really died. Plus after sundown would be the sabbath and all. Ditto for Saturday. Sunday being the first non-Sabbath full day after the crucifixion seems about the right timing.
But he promised longer. I suspect that this was written after Sunday became the new Sabbath, and the time was shortened to have him pop up on the appropriate day of the week.
He was crucified on a Friday afternoon. At sunset on Friday, even God takes a full day’s rest, because it is the Sabbath, and Jesus was, as we all know, Jewish. He resurrected himself first thing Sunday morning because that was as soon as he could do it after the day of rest. Duh.
I saw something like this, and it was really believeable.
No, he was really dead.
Really most sincerely dead.
I had thought it wasn’t so much as he rose on the third day, as they came back to the cave on the third day and he wasn’t there.
Grave robbing didn’t seem to occur to them, they all assumed the obvious explanation was resurrection.
Not so. Thomas, for one, didn’t believe it until Christ appeared before him in the flesh and allowed Thomas to touch his wounds (or so the story goes).