I don’t know if there’s a recognized phobia about saliva, but if there is, I suffer from it. I am repulsed by saliva, and dogs seem to sample the world with their tongues. The slightest touch from a dog’s tongue will send me into full-body convulsions, unless I try with all my might to supress it. To me, getting licked by a dog is the equivalent of taking a wet rag, wiping one’s ass with it, dragging it around on the floor, and then touching someone with it. Yuck, to the max. I hate wetness against my skin unless I’m showering or swimming, so there’s that as well. But knowing it is saliva, which is kryptonite to me, makes me want to reach into a furnace and burn off the contaminated layer of skin.
We had dogs when I was a kid, but we trained them NOT to lick people. I thought most people shared this philosophy, but I was wrong.
My friends have a dog. Shortly after they got the dog, I stopped by to visit and the dog started licking my hand. If there had been a poll for the worst thing the dog owner could have said at that horrifying moment, this woman blurted out the winner. While I was dying inside, she said, “Aww, she’s giving kisses, that’s a good dog.” GAAAAAAAAH! In my opinion, it’s really rude to put a guest into that situation.
In recent years, that dog has developed a mysterious lump on her lip. It started out looking like a big , black wart, but now it’s the size of my thumb. They will sometimes take her to the vet to have it checked out, but they never have it removed. I’m thinking of putting together a charity to raise funds to remove the monstrosity. During one my my last visits, the dog had just been drinking some water and then came over to dribble some chin goo on my lap. I wasn’t going to reinforce her lingering and panting of her foul breath, so I wating until she gave up. As she pulled away, her lip thumb “strummed” the folds of my jeans, leaving behind a hideous wet trail. It was the Exorcist, Carrie, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre rolled into one damp streak, which soaked through my pants and onto my leg. I immediately began having visions of black thumbs growing o utof my leg.
Whenever people cannot comprehend my frustration when I see someone shoehorning animal actions into human culture, a hear the echo of “Aww, she’s giving kisses, that’s a good dog.” [shudder].
My girlfriend is allergic to pets. It’s a shame, because I kind of like cats, but if I had one, I would be the ultimate clean-freak about it because cat shit ranks among the most foul-smelling of all the shits (even they can’t stand not to bury it!). The funny thing, though, about dog owners is that they are reasonably understanding when it comes to allergies, but if I mention that I am repulsed by their dog, its breath, its lip-thumb, its tendency to lick, and its behavior, they look at me like I just kicked a baby. So, I have resorted to, “Sorry, she’s allergic. We can’t come.” Maybe some day, I will just candidly share information about my “phobia.”
