Why do people live in messy/dirty homes?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m asking about people of sufficient means.

The specific household I’m thinking of is my adult daughter’s. She is 30, married, with a 3 yr old kid. They live 10-20 min away from us, in a modest suburban home. Husband works full-time, wife works part-time.

Yeah, I anticipate there will be a lot of “Stay out of their lives” responses. But my wife and I have a couple of concerns: first, we wonder if the state of their home signifies something unhealthy about their mood or family dynamic. Second, we are not comfortable visiting int their home in the way it is kept. Finally, we wonder what - if anything - we might be able to do to help them “declutter” their lives.

Their home is very cluttered. It seems like neither of them habitually put things away. There are piles of paper and objects on every horizontal surface, tools and toys are left out to deteriorate in the weather, the kitchen and bathrooms do not look like they have ever undergone the level of cleaning we do weekly (NOT what we consider periodic deep cleaning). Because of the clutter, surfaces and floors do not get swept/vacuumed/washed. There are piles of kid’s toys in every room of the house.

Yeah, I know I sound judgmental. But I visit many friends and family members, and cannot think of any home that is messier or dirtier than this one. It does not seem “normal” for the socioeconomic population I am familiar with.

We are prepared to eventually say, “It is their choice,” and simply host them in our home and try to minimize invites to their home. But we do care for them, and if there is anything we can do to improve this aspect of their lives, we’d like to at least consider what we could do.

Final context: yesterday was grandkid’s 3d birthday party. Dtr recently broke her foot. She asked us to come over early to help prepare. So we spent a couple of hours straightening up as dtr directed us from the couch. It was sobering. Over the upcoming week, my dtr asked my wife if she would come over a couple of days to help with the graddtr, in light of dtr’s broken foot. My wife doesn’t look forward to simply sitting in a dirty home. My wife is very good at organizing and cleaning, and would appreciate helping in this respect. My wife would be happy to have cleaning and organizing - under my dtr’s direction - as an activity to do during those couple of days. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.

I guess the main reason I started this thread was in anticipation of my dtr declining the offer. We are curious as to why someone would “choose” to live in a dirty/messy home, when they have the resources to do otherwise. We see so many advantages to minimal organization/cleaning, and cannot perceive the benefits of messiness.

Thanks in advance.

2

Apathy.

3

Yep. I have a messy house. Not food left out, but most other stuff. I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. I’d rather spend my time doing other things than cleaning. It’s unfortunate if it makes other people uncomfortable, and I make an effort to neaten up a bit if I know someone is coming over (I’m introverted and don’t care to have company often, and much prefer it pre-arranged), but I’m not going to do daily chores that I don’t care about just to make others happy.

4

I over compensate about organization and germ freeness. I am on the phobic side of this. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Don’t judge them. I would love a slightly cluttered and lived in home. Filth and clutter are 2 different things. If your daughters house is truly nasty, go clean it. Don’t ask just show up with supplies and do it. If it’s just cluttered I think I would back off. It may represent a time issue. A 3yo in the house a broken foot and jobs make for one busy lady. Give her a pass on this one.

5

Unless the “clutter” is causing an actual health hazard (e.g. rotting food, vermin, fire hazard) I would try to ignore it. Not everyone has the same level of need for order in their lives.

I keep my house less cluttered than I used to, although my home office has stacks of books and papers. But that’s a function of having a lot more space than I used to, so I can stash stuff out of sight and not worry about it. :slight_smile: Clutter in itself doesn’t bother me, although I may attack it every six months or so.

6

Apathy as said. If anything it may feel more comfortable to them; neatly kept homes have a creepy sterile feel to me at least.

That said, as pointed out above clutter and dirt are two very different things.

It should be noted that “messiness” both at home and elsewhere actually is often a form of organization. The two basic ways people tend to organize their personal space is by either the neat “everything in its proper place” way, or by following some version of the “90/10 rule”* where the most often used things are left out and the less often used things end up buried somewhere. Both methods are actually equally efficient; studies have shown that making “messy” 90/10 people do things the neat way doesn’t make them more efficient, and usually less.

The main advantage of the “neat” method of organization is that it’s more transferable from person to person, which is why it tends to be preferred in professional settings. The 90/10 rule tends to be more personal, with the place everything is kept arising in an organic sort of way over time according to personal preference; other people won’t know necessarily where anything is.

  • That is, that 90 percent of what you do involves using 10 percent of what you own.
7

Why Messy People Are Smarter, According to Science

:wink:

8

Was your daughter’s room messy when she was at home? If it was clean, was ir because you or your wife made her keep it clean or did she do it herself? What did your house look like when she was 3? Did your wife work full or part-time?

After 27 years, it’s easy to forget how things really were.

9

My place is messy, tissues and clothes on the floor because when I get home from work I’m mentally exhausted. I clean up on the weekends, but it starts again on Monday.

However, ask me where anything is and 99% of the time, I know exactly where it is!

10

I wonder if it could be some kind of stand off between the husband and the wife. Maybe the husband feels entitled to not do housework since he works full time, maybe the wife resents if he is trying to put all the housework and childcare on her on top of working part time. Or maybe they get a charge out of being “free spirits” and not conforming to traditional expectations. Or they both just don’t care. I think it’s good to offer help in a non-judgmental way, and avoid spending much time there if it really bothers you.

11

When I lived with a roommate I cleaned every day but he never lifted a finger, and it got to the point that out of spite I just stopped cleaning the house and since he never did anything the place became a total mess.

Nothing more infuriating than doing all the dishes, then the next day seeing the sink packed again because the roommate loved to use a glass exactly one time and never reusued it for refills opting to use a completely new glass every time.

12

Some people just don’t care. I have a friend I’ve known since we both were kids, and every time I go over to her house it kinda shocks me again how much of a state it is. You have to practically dig to find carpet. She’ll have two couches and an armchair, with just enough space for two people to sit down out of the 7 theoretical options and if a third person wants to sit down, they’ll have to move armfuls of things. The kitchen’s sort of OK, the sink’s always full of unwashed stuff, but things do get properly washed and stored. There’s no rotting food lying around or anything. The whole house looks like my teen bedroom, when I was pissed off about getting the tiny box room again, so retaliated by cramming as much junk as I could in there.

This was the case when she was working and doing a degree while being a single mum of a toddler, it was the case when she was unemployed, with a school age child and had a live in partner. It’s not laziness, it just doesn’t bother her.

The funny thing is that she gets her kid to pick up her toys and tidy up after playing with things, so you get this little patch of clear space containing a book or something that needs to be put way right now, surrounded by mountains of crap that just live there.

13

Does she say it’s messy? Does she agree with your assessment?

14

Are you saying you’ve never encountered disorganized people before?

People who are organized feel anxious when things are not in their place, so that motivates them to always make sure to put things in their place. Disorganized people don’t suffer from this anxious response, so clutter tends to accumulate around them without them noticing. Especially if they are busy with other stuff that they give a higher priority.

I’m a disorganized person. I have always been this way, and I’m guessing the same is true for your daughter. I do try to make my place look nice when company comes over. But if my parents were to drop on me without any notice? They’d be blown away by the first degree squalor I sometimes find myself in.

15

They both work. They have children. She has a broken foot. I’d say don’t judge. If you want to help, offer to pay for a house cleaner. This will help them keep up with dirt, but may never get things organized to your standards.

16

I go and clean my sons house about once a month. They have 2 small girls, fulltime jobs, and a busy lifestyle. I am bored with alot of time on my hands. So I just show up and do it when they are at work. I always get thanks and sometimes a gift for doing it. This may not work for some people. Tread carefully.

17

Maybe she just loves her kid Dinsdale ;).

18

My house is cluttered and messy, but not dirty. My MIL’s house is immaculate and according to my husband always has been. When our daughter was younger she, MIL, used to say to me, I should’ve spent time like you do, on the floor playing with the kids, instead I was always cleaning, doing laundry, and ironing. My point is, maybe your daughter is doing something like bonding with the baby over housework, idk. As others have said, as long as there’s nothing hazardous, be careful with your approach.

19

On your next visit to their home, take over (and insist on watching) DVDs of a season’s shows of Hoarders.

This works about as well as (and is equally as appreciated as) viewing episodes of “My 600-Pound Life”* in the company of someone who is overweight. :slight_smile:

*I find it inspirational whenever tempted to go off my diet.

20

Yep. I work 40-odd hours a week, commute almost an hour each way every day, do 80% of the household shopping on my way home a few nights a week, and look after my dad who is too sick with COPD to do much of anything anymore except generate messes while I’m at work.

I try, but honestly, most nights after doing the essentials like cooking and laundry, cleaning the bathroom and keeping up the litter boxes, I’m too exhausted to deal with clutter too. If I had to have guests over unexpectedly, I’d be screwed with less than a couple hours’ notice.