While I was studying earlier, I felt inclined to enjoy a firecracker popsicle. It’s the kind of popsicle that has a joke on every popsicle stick. The joke is horrible every single time, and after I read it, it usually makes me throw the damn stick across the room in disgust. They’re always bad!
The one I got today, though, almost dumbfounded me because it isn’t even a joke!!
Read it for yourself:
I mean, it’s like asking what should you make sure not to forget when you go out to shovel the snow. You can guess what the answers are to both of the questions.
Why do they even put these horrible jokes on popsicle sticks? It doesn’t make me want to buy more popsicles at the supermarket. It doesn’t make my day any better to groan after reading one of these. Are they trying to make the worst possible jokes? They certainly haven’t made any good ones.
“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.”
-H.P. Lovecraft, “The Call of Cthulhu”
You’ve fallen for our little scheme! You only THINK you’re reading a putrid joke – in fact, your subconcious is busy absorbing our cleverly concealed thought-control statements. Ever been been seized by an uncontrollable urge to buy some crap that’s BAD for you? That’s us at play in the nether reaches of your mind! BWAH ha ha ha ha ha! Soon ALL will be our unwitting minions!
– A public service message from The Consortium Of Sinister Hidden Interests. Have A Nice Day.
If you really want to know why…they are secret coded messages used in foreign spy espionage. The jokes are color coded and used as a way to trade off informantion. Collect a specific number of them (your contact will say the number in his/her opening statement), line them all up in a row. From right to left, take every 3rd consanant, and every other 5th vowel and copy it to a paper using invisible ink. You can then translate the real message with the secret decoder ring you got in the box of Captain Crunch cereal.
I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature!
hm, I can’t believe I got this one wrong. I was going to say “helmet,” which is odd because I rarely wear one myself. Granted don’t skateboard; I unicycle; but still. . .
heh, how much is anyone willing to bet that next time I go out for a ride I bring my helmet but leave the wheel in my room
Unforgiven, Cowboy is just self-delusional. There is no consortium of hidden intrests. There is, however, a Bavarian Illuminati; and Wedo put subliminal messages in your popsickles! When you finish a popsickle and find the word ‘fnord’—let me put it this way: Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
With magic, you can turn a frog into a prince. With science, you can turn a frog into a Ph.D, and you still have the frog you started with.
The secret is to buy a box or two, rush home, and eat all of the popsicles in one sitting. That way your brain freezes over, and then the jokes seem very clever.
… at least that’s the way it works for me. Then again, I get entertained watching golf tournaments on TV.
Don’t worry about putting “kill” and “President Clinton” in the same email, that’s a hoax. Just be careful to not spell it “Klinton” and don’t ever buy a copy of Catcher in the Rye with a credit card. Now excuse me while I put extra tinfoil under my hat.
