Why Is An Abusive Mother Given More Of A Pass For Her Crimes?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I DO NOT WANT THIS IN THE BBQ PIT

In the other threads about the Texas Judge shown savagely whipping his 16 year-old daughter, (he was secretly videotaped while actually in the process of assaulting her, so there is NO doubt about if he actually did it) almost NO ONE is taking the mother to task for both participating in the abuse (good ol’ Mommie Dearest gets in a few choice licks on her own, even while Dad is out of the room) as well as ever originally condoning such violence in her presence in the first place.

This woman was married to a State Judge, (I think it said he made somewhere around $90,000 per year) clearly not living in a trailer park, so presumably she could have gotten herself and her children out of the situation and into protective surroundings MUCH easier than other women in similar situations, who may not have access to Social Services or other types of help.

The Daughter has forgiven Mom, (which is certainly her prerogative) and Mom is crying that she was also abused by Big Bad Judge Meanie, (not hard to believe for anyone who has watched the video) and so naturally she is just another VICTIM TOO, and clearly not culpable for her own part in the abuse.

HORSESHIT

Simple question—Why does this kind of blame dodging and denial of personal responsibility carry any weight with the public at large?

If the genders were reversed, would even a single person alive today think that the Husband/Father was coerced into joining in with the beatings by his abusive Wife?

2

I doubt that you’ll agree, but I’ll try to explain why she DOESN’T get a “pass” from me, but perhaps gets a bit more…understanding? Softness? Something.

At the time of the video, the girl in question was 16. That’s 16 years, minimum, that the mother has been living with this man. We don’t know through video evidence what she herself had been dealing with, but in the interviews with both her and the daughter (Hillary) since the video surfaced, both of them have said that the abuse was going on for years prior.

When you are beaten enough, you begin to believe you deserve it. The abuser tells you you do. You believe him or her.

An abusive relationship doesn’t start out with being belted across the face on a first date. The abuse tends to build up slowly, over months or years, with the abuser wearing you down emotionally, psychologically, spirituality. By the time the hitting starts, the victim often feels it’s just a natural process.

Leaving an abuser is actually the time in which women and children are in most danger. Most murder-suicides involving domestic violence perpetrators and their victims occur after separations, divorce papers, or restraining orders have been initiated. Sometimes, it can feel as if it’s safer to stay.

The Judge in question here is a FAMILY COURT JUDGE, in a small rural Texas town. You really can’t see how a woman married to such a man might feel that there’s no way for her to safely leave and take the children with her? I can certainly imagine that in that atmosphere, with so much of the town legal system connected to your abuser, that you might feel that staying is safer not only for you but also for your children.

Again, I don’t expect you to agree, and I’m not giving her a pass.

3

Really? It seems in general that it’s quite the opposite – that moms are heavily scrutinized/blamed for things going wrong with their kids, whereas dads get a pass for just showing up. In the OP’s example, it seems like the dad was the one doing most of the abuse, so it’s natural he would be the one coming under fire.

4

She doesn’t get a pass at all from me. I saw the video before I heard the story behind it and I was just as angry with the mother. What angered me the most in the video was the way they stood there in front of the daughter talking about how maybe they made a mistake allowing her to use the computer because she was immature. So they beat her for their own parenting failures, and then go on to do it more after that. Her mom was awful. She told her to take her beating like a woman. She didn’t do a thing to protect her daughter from this man so she should be in just as much trouble as he is in. It shouldn’t matter if the daughter has forgiven her. It shouldn’t matter that they are “very close” or that she apologized. She let her child be abused and didn’t ever step in or do anything to stop it. She enabled it. She encouraged him on, telling her to take it like a woman.

Mothers have a responsibility to protect their children from abusers. Unless he’s hogtied her to a fencepost she should should have taken the girls out of that situation that she now calls abusive due to his addictions. She knew it back then but waited until her daughter was brave enough to post the video to ever say a thing OR apologize according to her own interview. She saw the video a week ago and she’s been apologizing “ever since”. Disgusting.

I’m sorry. Anything more said it would have to go to the pit.

5

On the TV today I saw/heard the mother tearfully expressing remorse and admitting that she was wrong to beat her daughter. On the other hand, the father has stated on TV that he feels he did nothing wrong.

Gee, maybe people are more inclined to give some slack to someone who admits there was a problem rather than the self-righteous [expletive deleted].

6

AMEN.

I would only change what you said to say that all Parents (both Mothers AND Fathers) have a responsibility to protect their children from abusers, but otherwise, your post is 100% spot-on!!!

If that woman EVER had even just 15 minutes alone with the kids when they were all away from Judge Asshole at any point after that attack, even months/years later, she is a pathetic failure of a Mother for not fleeing to safety with her children.

7

I don’t think she should get a pass. Just like I don’t think my own mother got a pass, even though my father abused the crap out of her and us kids all the time. I think both woman are abhorrent, spineless cowards for not recognizing that they were being abused and getting a divorce sooner. If the woman in the video was a mandated reporter while that shit was happening, then I feel like she should be taken to task for not reporting it.

But at the same time… as abhorrent as cowardice is, I don’t believe it is even in the same league as active abuse. Anger towards the mom is misplaced. Realistically speaking, it’s not like there’s any shortage of women out there with shitty self-esteem who would be in her place if she wasn’t such a coward. Is she blameless? Of course not. Is she as responsible as the father? Of course not. The answer lies in a murky and uncomfortable gray area, because analyzing abuse is always murky and uncomfortable for outsiders.

Prosecuting her for abuse/sending her to jail would be wrong IMO, and a waste of tax dollars. We’d do better to spend that money educating women on recognizing the signs of an abusive partner, and providing better tax-funded resources so that women who ARE being abused will already know where they can go.

Gender reversal is not a valid or particularly good argument, because the genders are different. Physical abusers are flat-out more likely to be male than female. Men are way fucking stronger than women on average. There is no comparison, so please don’t approach the argument from this perspective if you want it to retain validity.

8

No they aren’t; in domestic abuse both genders give and take roughly equally; men may be stronger, but that just means women go for weapons more often. Men are arrested and punished more often for it, but that’s not the same as actually doing it more often; given a choice the cops normally arrest the man and let the woman go regardless of who was doing what. And relative strength between the genders is especially irrelevant as far as child abuse goes, because adults of both genders are much stronger than children.

Last I heard the major gender difference in child abuse is that men are more likely to be sexual abusers than women, while women are more prone to torture than men are.

9

Fleeing where?

10

The mom gets an almost complete pass from me.

It is clear in the video that she is attempting to make the most that she believes she can for her daughter out of the situation. She takes the belt away from him, she refuses to give it back, she hits the girl as little as possible while retaining plausibility with the dad, she tries to code encouragement into her exhortations (“take it like a woman” etc is her attempt to encourage her daughter to be strong) and so on. The woman believes she has no hope of ending the situation, so she does the best she (thinks she) can with what she (thinks she) is forced to deal with when it comes to the abuse of her daughter.

“I could end my child’s access to all stability and shelter, and possibly get her killed, and possibly end up having her taken away from me and forced to live alone with this man–or I could stay here, endure the abuse with her, and attempt to ameliorate it as well as I can. I may have to pretend to be on his side to pull this off, and my daughter may hate me forever for this, but it is the best thing for her.”

If the situation were reversed, I am certain I would think exactly the same thing with “mother” replacing “father” and vice versa. I’m not sure what evidence you think you have to the contrary.

11

That is a fair point, although there are (rare) cases of men being physically abused by their wives, and they say it may even happen more often than is commonly thought, as men may well be way too ashamed to ever admit it, due to prevailing gender stereotypes.

The Texas Mother’s true failing was not seeking safety upon the VERY first time she and (especially) her children were ever beaten.

12

Is she an abhorrent spineless coward, or is she an unfortunate who lacks the right education concerning the relevant facts?

If sticking around means a woman is abhorrent and spineless, why bother to educate her concerning the relevant facts? She’s abhorrent and spineless. The facts will be irrelevant to her.

If sticking around means she’s not educated concerning the relevant facts, then on what basis do you call her abhorrent and spineless? We do not in most contexts equate honest ignorance with cowardice.

13

Anywhere would be better than staying in that home.

14

She doesn’t get a pass, but I’ve felt fleetingly sympathetic. Not sure. We don’t know.

My dad blames all of my abusive childhood on my stepmother. My mom blames all of the bad things she did to me on my dad. My mother never did anything to stop my dad’s abuse, either-it was always “Mom’s house is better than Dad’s house, right?” while of course my mother was also an emotionally abusive bitch.

So, yeah, I take what she says with a grain of salt.

15

Because she’s a woman. In Straight Dope Fantasyworld, the same expectations are placed upon women and men. But in real life, society expects less from women. I’m reminded of a recent thread asking about “cowardice” in women - there’s no such thing as cowardice in women, because women aren’t expected to be brave. They’re not expected to strong (physically or mentally/emotionally). They’re not really even expected to be “honorable” and take personal responsibility for their actions to the extent that men are. And while they are typically expected not to beat their children, when they do transgress the social mores it’s easier to forgive because, well, they’re women. They’re weak*.

*I note that this isn’t my view, but it’s society’s, so you shouldn’t act all surprised when you see it in action.

16

Agreed. If any man beat my kid like that I’d blow him away in his sleep.

17

Don’t know if it’s true, but today the Judge apparently said that the Daughter has only posted the video now (say instead of when it first happened, or maybe when she turned 18) because last month he repossessed the $70,000 Mercedes he had purchased for her a couple of years back, and also recently cut off her trust fund.

If it IS true, I have to say while the Judge is (and will most likely always be, as people like him rarely change, especially at his advanced age) an unstable, hate-filled asshole, I have to say it quite sounds like a little bit of good ol’ family blackmail is afoot, and Daddy called her bluff.

Lovely family…

(and NO I am not blaming the daughter for the savage abuse that was handed her, by BOTH her Father and Mother in any way, just noting that if the Judge’s claims about the car and trust fund are factual, it kind of seems like the timing is more than coincidental. I am not afraid of calling a play like that as I see it, even if it makes me less than PC)

18

Meh, I’m not even surprised by that news if it’s true, although some people will take it as another reason to downplay the abuse. He might be thinking “if I pay her enough money, I can get away with denying that I am an abusive asshole,” she might be thinking “if he pays me enough money, I’ll put up with his abusive ass since I’m not being beaten anymore.”

Of course family dynamics are going to be fucked up in a family in which that level of violence takes place. None of that erases the existence of the video.

19

I can fully agree with everything said here.

I can also see that if Judge Dread really did just cut her off from access to his filthee money, she obviously just played her Ace In The Hole that she has most likely been holding over his head for the past 8 years. Her claim that this is all simply a loving attempt to get her Family help and healing (coincidentally timed a mere month after she got shut down) doesn’t pass the smell test.

20

So? I’m not expecting a person who grew up under that kind of abuse to be all holy and pure. Unlike Hollywood, horrific abuse doesn’t always make one a better person.