‘Yes, all his horses and all his men,’ Humpty Dumpty went on.
‘They’d pick me up again in a minute, THEY would! However, this
conversation is going on a little too fast: let’s go back to the
last remark but one.’
‘I’m afraid I can’t quite remember it,’ Alice said very
politely.
‘In that case we start fresh,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘and it’s my
turn to choose a subject–’ (‘He talks about it just as if it
was a game!’ thought Alice.) ‘So here’s a question for you. How
old did you say you were?’
Alice made a short calculation, and said ‘Seven years and six
months.’
‘Wrong!’ Humpty Dumpty exclaimed triumphantly. ‘You never
said a word like it!’
‘I though you meant “How old ARE you?”’ Alice explained.
‘If I’d meant that, I’d have said it,’ said Humpty Dumpty.
Alice didn’t want to begin another argument, so she said
nothing.
‘Seven years and six months!’ Humpty Dumpty repeated
thoughtfully. ‘An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you’d asked
MY advice, I’d have said “Leave off at seven”–but it’s too
late now.’
‘I never ask advice about growing,’ Alice said indignantly.
‘Too proud?’ the other inquired.
Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. ‘I mean,’
she said, ‘that one can’t help growing older.’
‘ONE can’t, perhaps,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘but TWO can. With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven.’
‘What a beautiful belt you’ve got on!’ Alice suddenly remarked.
(They had had quite enough of the subject of age, she thought:
and if they really were to take turns in choosing subjects, it
was her turn now.) ‘At least,’ she corrected herself on second
thoughts, ‘a beautiful cravat, I should have said–no, a belt,
I mean–I beg your pardon!’ she added in dismay, for Humpty
Dumpty looked thoroughly offended, and she began to wish she
hadn’t chosen that subject. ‘If I only knew,’ she thought to
herself, ‘which was neck and which was waist!’
Evidently Humpty Dumpty was very angry, though he said nothing
for a minute or two. When he DID speak again, it was in a deep
growl.
‘It is a–MOST–PROVOKING–thing,’ he said at last, ‘when
a person doesn’t know a cravat from a belt!’
‘I know it’s very ignorant of me,’ Alice said, in so humble a
tone that Humpty Dumpty relented.
‘It’s a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It’s a
present from the White King and Queen. There now!’
‘Is it really?’ said Alice, quite pleased to find that she HAD
chosen a good subject, after all.
‘They gave it me,’ Humpty Dumpty continued thoughtfully, as he
crossed one knee over the other and clasped his hands round it,
‘they gave it me–for an un-birthday present.’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Alice said with a puzzled air.
‘I’m not offended,’ said Humpty Dumpty.
‘I mean, what IS an un-birthday present?’
‘A present given when it isn’t your birthday, of course.’
Alice considered a little. ‘I like birthday presents best,’
she said at last.
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’ cried Humpty
Dumpty. ‘How many days are there in a year?’
‘Three hundred and sixty-five,’ said Alice.
‘And how many birthdays have you?’
‘One.’
‘And if you take one from three hundred and sixty-five, what
remains?’
‘Three hundred and sixty-four, of course.’
Humpty Dumpty looked doubtful. ‘I’d rather see that done on
paper,’ he said.
Alice couldn’t help smiling as she took out her memorandum-
book, and worked the sum for him:
365
1
___
364
___
Humpty Dumpty took the book, and looked at it carefully. ‘That
seems to be done right–’ he began.
‘You’re holding it upside down!’ Alice interrupted.
‘To be sure I was!’ Humpty Dumpty said gaily, as she turned it
round for him. ‘I thought it looked a little queer. As I was
saying, that SEEMS to be done right–though I haven’t time to
look it over thoroughly just now–and that shows that there are
three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday
presents–’
‘Certainly,’ said Alice.
‘And only ONE for birthday presents, you know. There’s glory
for you!’
‘I don’t know what you mean by “glory,”’ Alice said.
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. ‘Of course you don’t–
till I tell you. I meant “there’s a nice knock-down argument for
you!”’
‘But “glory” doesn’t mean “a nice knock-down argument,”’ Alice
objected.
‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful
tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean–neither more nor
less.’
‘The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you CAN make words mean
so many different things.’
‘The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master–
that’s all.’
Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute
Humpty Dumpty began again. ‘They’ve a temper, some of them–
particularly verbs, they’re the proudest–adjectives you can do
anything with, but not verbs–however, I can manage the whole
lot of them! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!’
‘Would you tell me, please,’ said Alice ‘what that means?’
‘Now you talk like a reasonable child,’ said Humpty Dumpty,
looking very much pleased. ‘I meant by “impenetrability” that
we’ve had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well
if you’d mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don’t
mean to stop here all the rest of your life.’
‘That’s a great deal to make one word mean,’ Alice said in a
thoughtful tone.
‘When I make a word do a lot of work like that,’ said Humpty
Dumpty, ‘I always pay it extra.’
‘Oh!’ said Alice. She was too much puzzled to make any other
remark.