That would be nice. But I’m sure there will be plenty of technical glitches to waste time and hold everyone up. Like if you’re carrying around a keycard for your job that uses similar technology and confuses the scanner, so a red light comes on and you have to put your keys and stuff in a tray and walk through again, and then they wave a wand around you to locate it, and suddenly a trip to the grocery store becomes airport security.
Most of the Wal*Mart employees I’ve seen who were tasked with what they jocularly refer to as “customer service duties” were the kind of people who would be “plumb amazed” that there weren’t little people in the base of the UScan looking up the numbers by hand and telling you how much they were…
Nice.
Here it is four days till Christmas and you kick the lonely guy when he’s down.
Expect the first ghost when the clock strikes one.
So Sauron…
How was the pasta?
I dunno. Apparently it would’ve been an insult to all double-boilers the world over if we had allowed the pasta steamer to stay in our house. So I returned it … and endured the most humbling experience of my life.
I took the pasta steamer to the Customer Service desk at Wal-Mart, and handed it to the high-school-age slacker behind the counter. Chewing a wad of gum, she said “Reason for return?”
I said, “I bought this by mistake. I wanted a double boiler.”
She looked at me pityingly, popped her gum twice, and said, “You thought this was a double boiler?”
I have never been intellectually humiliated by a Wal-Mart employee before. I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about reaching over the desk and popping two of her zits.
Double boils?
Daniel
Oh, now you’re REALLY gonna go to hell for that one.
Dang, you got any brothers up this way? Seeing as how you’re married and so far away and all. Ones with smart-assness like that of course 
The company would be welcome. The cats would hide, and I’d offer it a glass of milk and some M&Ms.
Please know that I wasn’t trying to be offensive with my earlier comment. It’s just that I suddenly got an image in my head of a suit-wearing, frost-encrusted guy in a seated position with a coffee cup halfway to his lips with the commerical voice over saying, *“Having trouble rounding out your table? Purchase Thaw-a-Guest[sup]TM[/sup]! Guaranteed witty conversation. Will not spill coffee on self, helps with the washing up. Thaw-a-Guest! When you need just one more person to make it work.” * And then a very fast, soft voice saying, “Thaw in tub. Do not microwave, bake, or broil. One time use only.”
Mister, if you aren’t hoi polloi when you enter Wal*Mart, by god you are by the time you waddle out the door.
Unless you’re a pleb. Plebs are allowed to shop there, too.
I was jsut teasing too.
That’s what ours does, which is very handy. You can also scan items without waiting for the little voice to stop giving you instructions, although once you’re four or five items ahead of the computer, it makes you stop so it can catch up. Beating the computer has become my new hobby.
Fuck
Not until I know you lots better.
At the very least, dinner and a movie first.
You might want to do a little more research on RFID technologies. The systems proposed and in prorgress would permit every individual item to have a unique code. Not just every type of item…
literally
12 oz can of campbells chicken soup#1
12 oz can of campbells chicken soup#2
.
.
.
12 oz can of campbells chicken soup#4269428
That way the stores systems could also doublecheck an item if its response was somehow picked up by a second register it could repeat the scans and crossmatch summoning an employee with a hand unit if it cannot reconcile which basket an item is in.
In a nutshell, its more likely that the kid with the laser scanner will screw up.
So your id card from work would not set off the system because it was never scanned into the system to be recognized. A simple thing like standardized prefixes (like EAN barcoding) would easily avoid such things.
OP, I feel your pain. Got stuck (in Wal-Mart the other day) behind some dumb broad who didn’t have enough money for her purchases. A clerk came over and took one item off but dipshit still didn’t have enough money. Repeat procedure. Grrrr.
Happy Holidays everyone.
Except you, stupid woman. :wally
There was this new super Winn-Dixie supermarket with a couple of self scanners I was at one and looking at the other one when one of the employees scanned a couple of items. One was a large frozen turkey. It read 49 cents. I am confident that she had switched barcode labels before scanning.
The store was closed 6 months later.
Another fine rant, always a pleasure reading them.
And it wouldn’t be a fine rant without your lovely wife coming in and quibbling with you, which is always a please to watch.
Bravo, bravo!
Hilarious, Sauron.
I have to admit, though… there have been a couple of times that I was the one slowing the line down a wee bit. A grievous offense, I know, given the pact we share… BUT…
It’s never my fault! It’s the damn scales on those things. It seems like every time I go there, it never registers that I’ve bagged the item, so I have to take it out and put it back in over and over until the lady stops saying “please place the item in the bag” or I surrender and turn to the Overseer and ask for a little help.
As an aside, I see some Dopers like the self-checkout so they can avoid as much employee-interaction as possible. I spent a few years working in a grocery store in my youth, and plenty of time working the checkout, and there’s no doubt in my mind that having an actual human operator behind the counter makes things move much more smoothly and quickly. With the number of customers you have coming through each and every day, it’s surprising how fast you eventually get. Hell, I still remember most of those produce codes, and that was years ago.
And, hey… we’re not ALL surly pot-smokers or cranky geriatrics, you know… although they’re definitely out there en masse.
Anyway, thanks again for the great post, Sauron. Sorry I got to it so late.
–Tyrant
You poor SOB.
To sum up:
I like not having to communicate with anyone.
I was going to suggest 1920’s SDRs, but the trap door to the furnace will do.
RE Altheimers: I am terrified that when I grow old, the self checkers will operate on mental waves devised for video games and I won’t be able to work them.
The one’s at Kroger’s use Windows NT; the ones I fear will have Windows MT (R)
Windows Mental Telepathy.
Man, I must live in the most technologically backward area in the US. In not a single grocery store, Wal-Mart, or any other store around here have I even seen a self-scanner. It’s all sullen slackers or gossipy grandmas. Don’t like it? Tough shit, that’s your choice.
Although one late evening when Papa T. went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and the computers decided to go on the fritz and all the clerks were scurrying around cockroach-like not knowing what to do, and the lines got so long that one man took the tops off the two cartons of ice cream he was holding, turned them upside down to watch the half-melted ice cream plop out on the floor, and then gracefully accepted his security escort out of the store, it was at least entertaining.
Excellent rant, as always, Sauron!