Why you couldn't be a serial killer

In My Humble Opinion
41

I have the attention span of a goldfish. This would be be my serial killer thought process:

Must kill John Doe … I’m obsessed with John Doe … must kill … OH! Look! A box of Triscuits! I love Triscuits! … must kill … ? ? ? ? … it’ll come to me in a moment … must kill … ? ? ? ? … oh bother."

Also, the laziness. The whole thing seems like a lot of work. Following people, lurking around under cover of darkness, hauling body parts hither and yon … it would cut into my busy schedule of sitting around on the couch eating bon-bons and reading trashy novels.

42

On the bright side, you may never be a serial killer, but you sound like a perfect victim!

43

  1. I’m a lousy shot. I might have to fire three or four times to hit my victim, eliminating both surprise and stealth.

  2. My hands are a little arthritic, so that eliminates strangulation and garrottes. Weilding a knife for very long probably wouldn’t feel so good, either.

  3. The motor on my chain saw burned out and I haven’t gotten around to fixing it.

  4. I always put my return address on anything I mail, including taunting notes to the police.

  5. I can’t balance a checkbook. How the hell am I going to keep straigth the arcane codes and calculations used to identify and rank my potential victims.

  6. I’m a white, middle-aged, balding male who wears glasses. I’d be the FIRST one they come looking for.

44

I don’t think I could be a serial killer. I would be a mass murderer.

Wikipedia: A mass murder (massacre) involves the murder of large numbers of people either by a state or an individual. This should not be confused with serial killers, who usually to kill one person (or perhaps two) at a time.

As soon as that little switch tripped in my brain changing killing from “No! Never!” to “Yeah, I’d hit that.” I don’t think I could contain myself to one at a time. There are way too many people who piss me off in a day. Most likely I’d be at an intersection and someone would cut me off AGAIN and I’d be off, chasing him down and beating the life out of him, picking off pedestrians as I go. Then it would be a giant game of Grand Theft Auto: Little Bird.

PS: I forgot the name of Grand Theft Auto so I googled computer game car death hookers and it was the first entry. :smiley:

45

I have watched too much “Columbo” and “Law & Order” to think that one could POSSIBLY ever fool the police. And I don’t wanna go to jail. They don’t let you have your own computer.

46

Serial killers tend to specialize in a certain kind of victim. I say “tend to,” because I’m afraid of saying “always,” but I can’t think of an exception. And they’re impersonal about it. If I were to kill anybody, it would be personal, and if I were to kill more than one person, I doubt my victims would have anything in common besides having pissed me off.

And I’m another lazy person. Mass murder seems so much less draining.

47

Yeah, me neither. If you don’t have a creepy basement or a crawlspace, you have to use your freezer, which means I’d have to clean mine out and that ain’t gonna happen. I did have a body in my freezer for a few days, though.

Oh, wait. That was the betta fish, too.

48

Too lazy to figure out how to purchase that much acid.

49

I think I might go in for spree killing, though, which is mass murder in motion. You know, just kill people randomly on the trip from my house to the ice cream place.

50

Well, I work late at night, so I’d have to be killing in the day time, which is just too obvious and someone would spot me.

My freezer is ridiculously small. I can fit, like, 2 pizzas in there. No way I could store body parts.

I live in an apartment, so no basement. Plus, the stairs are loud and creaky, so someone would notice me dragging a body up them.

I hate HATE HATE HATE the sound of ice cream vans. Fuck you, “Pop goes the Weasel!”. Not the kind of hate that would inspire serial killing, the kind that leaves me curled up on the floor, hands over ears, yelling “make it stop!”. So I’d kind of stand out.

I’m 5"3 and a little over 100 pounds, so I couldn’t do any crazy strangling or beating with a tire iron or anything. And serial killers can’t just shoot their victims, it’s gotta be some very involved creative killing. And I’m not all that creative.

I, also, do not own a pig farm.

On the other hand, I’m little, early twenties, female, not at all balding, and no glasses. I drive a sporty little red car, not a big old truck. They’d take FOREVER to find me.

51

I have never had an emotion that didn’t show on my face. “Did you kill him?” DeVena blushes furiously. “Ummm Who?”

Besides, ammo is expensive.

52

Everytime I try to use duck tape it just sticks to itself.

53

I never was very good at anatomy to it would take forever to cut them up, not to mention that my husband would get upset if I used his chainsaw.

54

I don’t like 1984 white Ford vans with opaque bubble windows.

55

Oh God, yes.

56

I could not be a serial killer because the medical benefits suck and there aren’t any stock options.

57

But think of the savings at the meant counter!

58

My middle name is not Wayne.

Thus my career as a serial murderer was cut short because of the name.

Curse you MOM!

59

I’m lazy, absentminded, and a bad liar. Besides, I’d be so guilt-ridden I’d turn myself in.

60

Well, the first few things may be a problem. As for your attitude, remember:

…murder is like anything you take to
It’s a habit-forming need for more and more
You can bump off every member of your family
And anybody else you find a bore!

So don’t be so hard on yourself!