That’s where she starts crying that I don’t believe in her in that she will make up to $50k a year selling essential oils… How many successful Avon ladies do you know?
I’m just picturing down the road when your wife needs X amount of money to keep her essential oils business going. And now it’s up to you if you want to do that or not.
You know it’s a scheme, she does not. What now? The responsible thing to do is not give her the money. But oh boy, I would NOT want to be in the relationship at that point.
For the life of me, I really don’t understand what “conservative” has to do with getting a covid vaccine or not. Sounds like a bad situation to me, but then again my own marriage failed so my advice is probably unimportant. I would suggest counselling, but you’ve already said that, too.
Sincerely- good luck!
This is a huge consideration that more married folks should take note of. It happened to me, and it was tough.
Fortunately, despite my husband’s offers to provide sole support for our family – and he certainly could have done it – I kept a hand in the home-based business I’d been building for many years. When he died unexpectedly, I was able to ramp up my business again quickly to become self-supporting. Even with those advantages, it was very stressful for several years.
It’s not just losing the income of the deceased spouse, which is bad enough. After the 3-year COBRA period, your wife will lose access to group health insurance. The ACA helps with that a lot, but who knows what may happen to that?
She may struggle to get credit when she needs it most. (I didn’t, but the issue was raised.) And I don’t have kids, which makes the situation for your wife all the more challenging.
These are all things she should consider before abandoning her job. People think this stuff won’t happen to them. But it does. Obviously I hope it doesn’t happen to you or her, but you honestly never know.
Unfortunately, the bible-thumpers she’s hanging out with are probably going to tell her that “God will provide if she seeks and honestly follows God’s will,” just like God is going to protect her from covid without a vaccine. I know: cynical much?
For Thanksgiving I’m thankful we have three months to discuss this further. I’m not saying a thing during this long weekend but will start calling counselors Monday.
Another thing that bothers me is, she can’t tell anyone. Hasn’t told her parents who are important people to me. I told my mom because I’m a mama’s boy and tell her everything.
I appreciate you folks inputs on this and hope that this is not a lost cause. Were I to divorce her (the thought of which horrifies me), I do not believe she would be able to pursue her dream anyways, as I brought 90% of what we have into the marriage. Her wages have helped pay for our land but I was pretty well off as a young guy thanks to inheritance.
WTF? Is a marriage a buy-in institution?
To the OP: both of you need to work on your communication.
There may be some good reasons for her to be SAHM: financial. Is her hold a job offsetting the cost of daycare, vehicle costs, gas, time? Then again, if she is thinking about using MLM as her income, it’s usually a money loser, seldom a money maker. To be able to make money at it, she would have to be away from her kids more, and it defeats the purpose.
Does your son need extra help? If so, can your wife supply what he needs for less money?
It sucks that she gave you an ultimatum. Like I said, you two need help with communication.
What is true is that in a marriage, if the partners are pulling in different directions, it’s not likely to last.
This is why I would advocate life insurance for the partner of any SAHP. I’m a part-timer who brings in maybe 33% of our income, and I wouldn’t feel right about it if he didn’t have a big ol’ life insurance policy guaranteeing his death wouldn’t put me and Wee Weasel into poverty. You are absolutely right that SAHPs face a lot of challenges, not just in spousal death but divorce as well. My closest friend was a SAHP for both of his children and then one day his wife decided she wanted a divorce… it’s been years since the divorce and he’s still struggling to find financial security. He’s always kind of lacked direction in terms of his career, and the divorce exacerbated all of that.
I wonder if OPs wife would consider dropping to part-time work but not full-time? There’s something to be said for having a partner who supports your dreams. My dream is to make some modest income as a fiction writer. My husband has supported me every step of the way, and has been willing to invest a lot of our money into my training as well, knowing it may not pay off financially. It’s enough for him that I’m making a sincere effort. Because when it comes to martial satisfaction, there are more than just nuts-and-bolts financial calculations. He values my emotional well-being and knows I’m never better than when I’m creating and engaging in my creative community. It’s foundational to my mental health.
I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage that didn’t have that level of support.
IMPossiblyIrrelevantO, you’re a long way from that. What I see in your narrative is two people who are afraid that in the long run they won’t be listened to or heard by their spouse, so they’re digging their heels in even before a real conversation can happen. I’m defeated before I begin, so why bother? There’s no point. He/She isn’t interested in what I want, only what he/she wants.
And maybe you do need to have that conversation in the presence of a marriage counselor. It can take a while to find a good fit with a counselor. And the first (usually) one-hour visit will be telling your story. You might feel like you’re not getting anywhere for a few weeks. One of you might feel like the counselor is siding with one of you against the other. And then think, “This isn’t working,” and want to quit. Commitment is everything. Commitment to the marriage and to the therapy process. You have to find someone that both of you are willing to trust, recognizing that it might take time for the trust to build.
This is not like an Amish barn-raising that happens in one day (interesting analogy, eh?). It’s more like planting a garden and exercising loving care and patience while you wait for sprouts. Even so, harvest is a ways off.
I get warm fuzzies all over just reading this. My late husband was this way. 
Good for you.
My wife stayed home when I finished grad school and got a good paying job, because we planned to have kids real soon and she didn’t think getting another job in a new location would pay. It worked out fine. Our kids benefited from her being home. But it was a joint decision from the beginning. (And she did begin to work as the kids got older, doing stuff she like real well.)
Is your wife planning to home school the kids? That seems to be a big thing with the kind of group it sounds like she’s in. If she’s a fringer that might not be a good idea.
Yes, excellent point.
One of the sad ironies in our situation was that we had already scheduled a substantial raise in the amount of life insurance on my husband during open enrollment at his work. The increase was to take effect at the beginning of the new year. He died in mid-October. Had the insurance increase taken place, I would have had no immediate financial concerns at all.
Oof. I’m sorry to hear that.
The woman I consider my adopted mother ran an accounting business with her husband for years. They had just bought a new office condo and were all set with life insurance policies that would pay off the building in the event of catastrophe.
Well, they had planned a celebratory trip but did not finalize the policies first. He developed a kidney infection on the trip (I don’t remember the details-- it’s been 40 years), they rushed back, and he went straight into the hospital. He never came home-- died a few days later. It took her decades to recover financially. Not to mention emotionally.
I’ve never had to deal with someone on a personal level who isn’t rational. If I dated someone like your wife it would end with “thanks for giving me the chance to get to know you but I think we’re 2 different people”.
Unless you have the power to tax your neighbors to cover your bills there’s no way you can go forward as before. I think a budget is the first thing on your agenda.
I’ve seen marriages implode over massive debt. That’s something that can happen in a very short time. I don’t know how you can contain her use of credit cards but I would have the limits of any cards in your name reduced and then freeze your credit so it can’t be altered.
Having your child’s mental health evaluated was a good suggestion upthread. At some point he will end up home schooled if it isn’t corrected. An hour long tantrum sounds like something that a professional might be able to help with. It almost sounds like your wife in miniature so I’m not sure how she is going to correct the problem. Maybe a marriage counselor can figure that out.
Thanks. She has no intention of home-schooling, which is another reason i think this is bogus.
There are some narcissistic/crazy people in my my family tree so I’ve contributed to it. My paternal grandpa was a crazy asshole but successful. My dad was successful but a drunk and an asshole to my brother and my mom but not to me. My brother has been such an insufferable prick to me my entire life that only this year at me being 34 and him being 43 my mom was able to convince him to stop treating me like shit if he wanted to stay friendly with me. I can be kinda ornery but I have enough of my mother in me to empathize. Which I do.
Wifey’s mother is a sweetheart. Her dad is a great guy but very bullheaded. They live in a dumpy ass house because of all the funny ideas (organic farming - doesn’t work unless you’re super intensive) her dad has had that have not made them money and her mom has just put up with it - this is what I see us coming to. I know her mother would like a better house but doesn’t believe in divorce so just lives with it.
There really are a couple of things that I see here:
- She has decided to do the essential oils marketing
- She is making major life changes in order to go all-in
- This venture has gotten tied to her self-worth
- She is (at some level) aware that this is a problem, but is fixating on the quick emotional ups and downs with motivational posters, by lashing out at you, by crying during difficult discussions, and is therefore avoiding facing the problems.
I think we all know that the essential oil business is going to go belly-up. I strongly recommend practising not saying “I told you so” NOW, because it’s only going to get harder.
One thing I’d ask a counsellor is how to support your wife and her self esteem while NOT supporting this particular business. Maybe compete with them by going in with her on another home-based business? I mean, you already have a farm, which is pretty much the definition of that. Is she involved with the farm? Is there a way (maybe an arts-&-crafts way) to get her involved with the business, or to get her invested in that? Ultimately, a project with her husband and kids might be just as emotionally fulfilling, and it’s for damn sure a better use of her time.
Maybe you could ask your wife’s mother to be involved, as well? Unless the two of them don’t get along. I don’t know. I’m just a stranger on the internet: lots of opinions, but take them as worth what you paid for them.
SAHPs need life insurance too; should the worst happen, at the very least you should have enough to pay for a funeral. And then there’s future earnings, child care, medical bills if the death was not sudden, and a whole multitude of other things that Social Security (if you’re in the U.S.) just won’t cover.
Figures vary, but generally come out at way more than the cost of a funeral:
It sounds like she’s grasping. Some questions so I can better understand what you are presenting.
How do address these (retarded?)ideas she has when she presents them to you? How did you come to know her true intentions on home schooling, and why do you say bogus? Have you presented alternates to the balls out life changing proposals she has made without your input that could also help her meet her needs, whatever they are, and that don’t carry as much risk? If so what are they? Can you describe a recent event where you both compromised on something?