That sounds like a psychological issue - an evaluation is definitely called for. Not sure if an untrained SAHM is able to do the care and treatment without the input of a psychologist.
Sounds like it to me also. I lived with a guy who was into Scientology and sold Amsoil, and while they actually have a couple decent products, I am not sure how dependable they ended up as his income source. However, he and his fellow scientologists put an incredible amount of effort and pressure in trying to get me to convert [or whatever you call it] as well as trying to get me to deal Amsoil as well. He and his friends were definitely toxic and I lost both my residence and my job in one shot when I kept declining converting and signing up with Amsoil … my boss was a friend of his who gave me a job when I was job hunting.
yup.
As someone suggested, sit down with a counselor and have on hand a spreadsheet or however you want to deal with it all your financial incomings and outgoings. You mentioned she had a cow over 'emptying your bank account to pay the mortgage" - does she not understand financial contracts? You don’t pay the mortgage, you lose the farm, you don’t pay the electricity, you get cut off, you don’t pay for groceries, unless you produce it on your farm you don’t eat it …
That happened with a male friend of mine, an author - his wife passed and as a result, he lost his residence, he had to place his pair of cats with a friend who had room and has been couch surfing while fighting with SS about spouse benefits [I think it was social security, might be some other functionary] while apartment hunting for a place that is affordable and will allow 2 cats. He got the survivors benefits and has found an apartment that he can finally move into in mid January. He is now taking heat from relatives [that didn’t lift a finger to help him, or offer a couch] because he found it was cheaper to go on 3 different cruises that it is to get a different cheaper motel and buy food. [cheapest cabins, and no extras like booze or soda, just whatever comes with the tickets]
I am in terror of mrAru passing, while he does have life insurance, I am handicapped and just waiting until I hit the right age to get my SS started [mentally I am just not up to dealing with trying to get declared handicapped, despite my health issues right now] We are trying to set things up so that I will have a ‘home based business’ with solar panels selling juice onto the grid on our Nevada property, with a custom build home that is fully handicapped rigged for a person in a wheelchair. [We are also planning on our roomie and I gathering proper desert sage leaves and yucca for their fibers to make proper smudge sticks the local native way and selling them in boxes of a dozen and other things that we can have an Etsy storefront.]
Boy is this hitting close to home. Amsoil… Fuck me. Everything her dad uses on their half-assed farm is labeled that. Down to the grease on his semi tractors’ fifth wheel plates (which he hauls his crop with a semi trailer he borrows from me). He was trying to talk me into it about five years back when I was getting ahead of farming on my own and not buying from farm and fleet stores and I said fuck that and went back to the manufacturer. Had a dumb shit underneath me at a previous job who was a half assed mechanic who barely showed up to work who lists himself as an Amsoil dealer.
I respect SAHPs, and yes, they work hard, but I call bullshit on the six figure income.
You can’t just do some clothes mending and call yourself a tailor, like the article implies. Logistics analyst, really? Bookkeeper because you periodically balance a checkbook? C’mon!
I do my own cooking, but I don’t call myself a chef. Or a dietitian, come to that.
As part of the financial concerns, I would ask her if she has a business plan or would like help developing a business plan for her essential oil business. Developing a plan may show the expected errors or lack of income these businesses usually provide people. Having a plan may help her strive to meet goals and actually make some money, but because essential oils are not a necessity item, I doubt it.
No, it absolutely does not mean that. I’ve been the sole bread winner and at other times my husband was. At no time did either of us have that kind of veto power. Income belonged to us equally, regardless of who pulled a salary. We’re a team and we both contribute in many, many different ways.
We’ve always carried life insurance on us both and no one makes unilateral financial decisions. That way, even when things didn’t work out, we had no resentment because we both went into any decision together.
My partner and I both work full time (shift work) which means we both share the looking after the house bit. There’s no way we are doing $160K worth of work around the house.
Back off. You have legitimate concerns, but you’re making it almost impossible for her to acknowledge her plan won’t work.
The answer to, “You don’t have any faith in me!” is “I have a lot of faith in you. I don’t have any faith in multi-level marketing. I’m willing to be persuaded, however.” Make her a deal: If she can draw up a business plan that does NOT include data from her MLM or her friend and that will convince a knowledgeable, objective third party (your financial advisor, a bank loan officer) that she’ll likely earn what she did at her last/current job within a year, you’ll support her, provided you two agree on what she’ll spend upfront–after that, all expenses come out of profits, if any. Her plan should include how many downline distributors she’ll need& and how she plans to get and keep them. If she is not making that amount of money, she’ll agree to find a job comparable to her old one.
Ask her to research the data on MLM’s in general. What are the pitfalls? How many people who work in MLM’s end up losing money (despite working hard)? Why are MLM’s often considered pyramid schemes?
How much of her decision to be an SAHM is due to her fears? She’s afraid to get vaccinated; if she’s an SAHM, she can avoid that. She’s worried no daycare will take your son; if she’s an SAHM, that’s moot. Ask her to come up with a Plan B that would address her fears without an MLM.
Good luck!
*There’s no way to be successful without downline distributors.
My late husband and I were like this, but not every couple is. My first husband and I could not talk about money for five minutes without getting into an argument.
Money is the tip of the iceberg in this relationship. They do not feel like a team. Logic, rationality, business plans, etc., are a great idea, but until they both feel like they are on the same team, she will feel undermined, and he will think she is being unrealistic and ridiculous. And both will be right.
At that time, early 80s, they seemed poised for the synthetic lubricant market. The product I liked best was the air filter - I liked the idea of whipping off a filter, washing it out, letting it dry, reoiling it and popping it back together. The hypoallergenic laundry detergent smelled OK and didn’t bother my skin [I have a sensitivity to many of the scenting and filler agents normally used] and they had a bypass oil filtration system that made sense to me upon looking at it.
I detest MLM - preying upon people who are financially unsecure, the whole downstream sales being what make you the money is horrific to me. If you can’t make the money upon your own selling efforts, you might as well get back into the normal rat race - preying upon other people is reprehensible. At least if you work for a shoe store you are selling a known product.
She may be exhausted. Not everyone has the same energy levels, and you may not realize it, but she’s doing two full time jobs even though only one of them is paid. Some people can pull that off comfortably, at least while they’re young; it seems like you’re one of them. But other people really can’t. (And I wonder whether she’d agree with your guess at the percentage of how much you’re doing. Especially with your making a point of noting that you don’t complain about not much cleaning getting done – why do you think you’d be entitled to complain, when even by your guess she’s doing more of it than you are?)
Exhausted people often can’t think clearly; and often don’t realize what the problem is. We’re all living in a society which assumes it’s normal to go around in a continuous state of sleep deprivation. Again, some people can do fine on smaller amounts of sleep than others; but the people who need more sleep do genuinely need it.
I know that some kids roughhouse like puppies and kittens with no harm done. But are you sure that the child who generally loses agrees that this is a fun game?
Huh? You’re the dad. Of course you have a say in it. When i was a kid my father laid down the rules for how we were allowed to fight. (No teeth, don’t hit faces, i forget if there were others.) We followed those rules.
It’s not clear to me how serious the problem is. But if one child is seriously being bullied: you need to do something, and just claiming you have no say in it doesn’t wash. It’s a parent’s job to protect their young children. This is true even if who they need to be protected from is the other parent.
I’m curious… are there any things about the running of the household, the kids, values, etc., that you two are absolutely in agreement on? A situation or zone (actual, physical, or virtual) about which there is NO conflict or push-back from either one. IOW harmony?
In some instances, you might be absolutely right. The number one, by far, biggest problem between me and Mrs Cad is she cannot understand if you spend money on this then you can’t spend that money on that and somehow it is on me to miracle money out of my ass when something HAS to get paid - usually something that is her responsibility. I still remember coming home with our son and having to come up with over $600 to pay the electric bill since it was shut off. Why hadn’t she paid it? No money although she had enough to do other things.
It sounds like your wife is emotionally abusive and makes unilateral decisions about your household so why shouldn’t you believe she could be financially abusive too and decide how to spend the household money leaving you to foot the bill with no money when the mortgage and grocery bills come due?