As for cocaine or rabies, it’s not needed. A mama grizzly protecting her cub grizzlies provides good motivation.
What about chainsaws with long blades? Would that only delay the inevitable end?
Maybe use an inanimate carbon rod.
Everyone is so quick to resort to violence when dealing with our fine furry friends. But, there is another way. A better way.
Reason.
Oh sure, Grizzly bears don’t understand human language very well, but you can reason with them through body language. I have a theory that bears respond favorably to positive human body language and can be placated with it effectively. I want to test this theory and write a paper on the results.
Regretfully, due to my allergy to bear dander, I can’t be a subject in this test. So, I must appeal to one of you fine folks to be my test subject. You will be identified by named in my paper as your reward.
Subjects: You and a 10’ tall, 1000lb male Grizzly Bear
Test: You will provoke the bear to charge you by throwing rocks at his head and blowing raspberries in his direction. When the bear gallops to within 3’ of you, you must shrug your shoulders and put on a sad face. Then you will scratch him behind the ear with your left hand, while handing him a carrot stick with your right hand as a peace offering (bears prefer carrots over meat, I’ve been told).
Hypothesis: I believe the bear will shrug back at you, nod his head in approval, and retreat from whence he came.
Who wants to volunteer?
Definitely, and even more if you can do this:
What could go wrong?
Stranger
THAT is a backyard barbecue I want to be invited to!
That is a backyard barbecue I want to observe from a safe distance.
You don’t need a chainsaw, just a good fighting technique and a bit of creative trickery.
But if you do insist on using a chainsaw, here is some useful advice.
I’m still working on ‘a regular person with chain saw’. Is that the regular person they talk about in jury trials?
I can’t stop watching that, and laughing out loud!
Timothy Treadwell tried the reasoning approach. It didn’t end too well for him. Or his girlfriend.
Yes, I remember how (on Letterman?) he said that he wouldn’t mind if a hungry bear ate him, because it needed the food. But when he started being eaten by a hungry bear, suddenly he felt less charitable.
My money is on the bear. Anyone know if there’s a way you can get in on that action on Fanduel or Draft Kings?
So, if we’re talking about a normal person…this person has never used a chainsaw to attack another animal, only trees.
In contrast, the bear has regular experience killing other animals, even ones who have developed evolutionary defenses against bears (these advantages mostly consist of “being able to outrun a bear and hide from it”).
I’d say the bear has a much better shot. Next time, maybe go with a flamethrower.
Maybe his screams were screams of joy and happiness?
I’d try a flamethrower. BBQ!
Possibly. But I doubt that his exortations for his girlfriend to hit the bear with a frying pan were exortations to hit the bear with a frying pan of happiness.
Just give the bear the chainsaw and wait for it to hurt itself. Chainsaws are dangerous.
But really, you’d better hope it’s just a fat dog. You could probably take a fat dog with a chainsaw.
Even during midterms?
Whatta shitty comment.
Absolutely, but at 3-14 this past year, I’m going to put my money is on the Norsemen
I loves me some good Bearbaque!
So long as no one realizes it’s a bear…