Will porn keep me from being president?

So, I was thinking about what might disqualify me for being president if it surfaced. I’ve done some drugs, but nothing of the quantity or quality that seems to be a deal breaker these days. Any woman who says I had an affair with her, harassed her or killed her during a coke binge is lying. I’ve never propositioned a man for sex in an airport bathroom, Chuck E Cheese or anywhere else. I’m soft atheist, but it’s not on record anywhere, and I’m willing to lie. I’ve never plagiarized or hired an illegal Mexican woman to watch my children.

So, all in all, there aren’t really any skeletons in my closet.

But. I’ve looked at some porn. I’m a pretty run of the mill guy, but, like many people, if one were to actually look at my porn activity, there would probably be a few things (both in quantity and variety) that I’d rather not be on the cover of the Washington Post.

So, two questions. Could this ever actually be an issue for a candidate? I assume the sites I’ve visited and files I’ve downloaded over the years are probably in some big list somewhere at an ISP. Do they actually keep these things?

Two. Would a candidate who had spent an hour or a hundred with only one hand available for typing be electable? Would that be a deal breaker for people?

That’s my problem too. Plus, too many strippers would recognize me. I don’t even think I could be CEO or CFO of a major corporation. Their pictures are bound to at least make it on the cover of some trade magazine.

In your case, the question is whether anyone could trace it back to you.

Strip club visits in the single digits in my life. I think that would be forgivable by the public.

I think they would be able to trace it to me, no? I’ve just always assumed that some dude at AT&T could pull up every site I’ve ever visited.

Well, maybe Hustler, Inc.

Unless it involved something illegal, I doubt it would be that much of an issue. Most guys look at porn. Most guys even understand how the internet and morbid curiosity can lead to occasional excursions far afield from what might be a guy’s normal spank material. As long as it didn’t involve kids, I don’t think finding out that a presidential candidate has surfed for porn would be a big shock to other males, at least (maybe some women would be surprised) and it might even humanize him a little bit.

I remember during the Richard Jewel thing, when the FBI searched his house and found his porn stash and it got reported all over the media that he had porn stash and what kind of stuff was in it. Instead of laughing or feeling disgust, I just felt really sorry for the dude. Here he was, totally innocent, and yet he was having his porn stash exposed to the world and discussed on national television. It’s like every guy’s worst nighmare.

I think that a presidential candidate havng his porn stash exposed would inspire instinctive sympathy from a lot of other men. A whole bunch of us are living in glass houses on that account.

What kind of porn are we talking about here?

Mainstream soft-focus split beaver Penthouse variety? File under: Didn’t Inhale.
Slightly fetishistic of the latex/leather/mild BDSM variety? Might lose you the Bible Belt vote.
Very fetishstic of the girls sucking off donkeys variety? Hope the donkey-human marriage lobbyists have some pull in DC.
Gross of the two-girls-one-cup variety? I know the poop-eaters have no pull in DC, but at least we know you like to eat shit - have you considered City Council?
Illegal of the underage variety? Go straight to jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.

Leaving aside that realistically, by the time **I **can be considered a viable potential presidential candidate, the surviving inhabitants of what’s left of the Republic surely will have worse things to worry about than my preferences in wank motivation . . . I’d get hit with participation in Adult Messageboards; but I’ve got some nice, solid disqualifiers of other nature out there.

Well, if at some primary debate you have mentioned the possibility of nationalizing AT&T, or outlawing the two-year contract and mandating unlocked cell phones, maybe someone very motivated in the corporation would decide to expend valuable resources to go on a fishing expedition. But they would have to be highly motivated, IMO, or you would have to be surfin’ for porn relatively recently, leavign fresh tracks; activty logs can’t be really kept **forever **, can they? (And depending on how long you’ve been online part of the record may even be in old storage media in a format no longer supported…)

Hey, if Bush can get elected not once but twice even after his brief stint in gay porn as “Rod Hardman” between '75 and '78, I think you’ll be alright.