My wife and I are having marital problems. She doesn’t want to seek couseling, or have sex. On the other hand we want to stay together at least until our son (currently three) is grown. Since I don’t want to “cheat” on my wife, and at 35 still have a very stong sex drive, would a doctor “give” me something to help (she also doesn’t like me looking at porn or self serviceing)? Would some depro-provera, estrogen or anything else take sex off my mind in a meaningful way?
I personaly don’t think a doctor is going to give you the anti-viagra. I think if you asked the doctor for something like that he/she would advise you and your wife have couseling instead.
I say divorce already (I mean if you truely don’t love each other, especially if you don’t particularly like each other). Don’t stay together for the kid. That is a lot of weight on his shoulders, even though he won’t be able to comprehend it until long after joins the circus, recovers from alcholism, fill in the ____________.
No doctor who values his license will give you anything like that just because your wife doesn’t want to have sex. On a more personal note, dump the bitch. It’s better for you, for her, and for the kid.
i agree you shouldn’t have to stay in a marriage if your needs are not being met and she is unwilling to even let you take care of matters yourself. if my hubby did that, well, i don’t know what i would do. luckily he doesn’t mind just watching if he is tired
but if you really want to know, many antidepressants will completely kill your libido. without meds, i have a more than healthy sex drive. on such things as prozac and zoloft (which has many side effects, so i don’t recommend), i have none. nada. zilch. keep moving. nothing to see or play with here.
is she taking such things? oh, and you mentioned depo. did the same thing for me as the prozac, except made me more depressed. like, post-partum depression. my shrink almost had words with my OB/GYN over that!
Of all the selfish …argh!
You can’t do anything with her or by yourself and you’re still decent enough not to cheat. It boggles the mind. How on earth can viewing a cold, controlling, heartless relationship be better for your kid than seeing at least one parent lead a happy normal life?!
Get out and take him with you. The woman has serious issues and I don’t see her as healthy. IANA doctor or professional counsellor but I have had experiance with bad relationships. I’ve sat in on battered woman’s groups and to me it looks like she’s emotionally battering you. Yes, it can happen to men.
Go for counselling yourself. Get help. Make a decision.
I think she has good reason for feeling the way she does. Three years ago we had a small mortgage appraisal business and I got involved in a discussion board that was intense (the arguments usually centered around credit scoring). On on occasion someone accused me of not being sincere, my wife begged me not to post personal information, and I promised that I wouldn’t, but I broke my promise and put our 800#. She said at that time that she could literally hear “a door” in her heart close towards me forever. It doesn’t help that I still paticipate in these forums (which I dearly love).
We will go for about six months when I think things are getting better. However. then we will have an argument and it usually comes back to that incident.
She says that she doesn’t want to go to counseling because she is determined to either leave me when our son turns eighteen (or sooner if I push her) or in the event she does stay with me to maintain a distance between us.
I have even recently suggested “swinging” since on those rare occasions that we have sex she doesn’t get much from the experience (I still do). She used to be very libertine, sexually before we were married, and for the early part of our relationship, more than me in fact.
I still love my wife, and believe her to be a really good mother and person. Furthermore, I can see how my actions have contributed to the situation that I currently face. Hopefully, things will get better when we become RN’s and then cRNA’s (and thus go from being poor students to earning several hundred K per year). We have a good plan, move to Oahu, and then maybe I get a boat down the road. For someone who’s lived in the Midwest his whole life that seems like a good thing even if sex is rare.
I agree with the above poster about SSRI’s having all sort of negative side effects (perhaps even suicide as recent data seems to be suggesting and a new required FDA warning cautions of ). Why can’t I get something that any person with “transgender sexual identity disorder” would probably have little trouble procuring? This is especially relevent for me since I am one of only two guys in a nursing class of sixty women! I’m 35 and seems to have a stronger sex drive now than when I was 18! What would be the harm in “reducing” that a bit letting me focus more on my studies?
Thanks for the input, In the end I’m probably going to focus on treating her the way I would like to be treated myself. I think that is my best bet for changing her heart and earning her forgiveness.
Ahem. Pray none of the transgendereds on this board sees this. Trust me, it’s not “little” trouble.
No harm, I’d say. The doctor still isn’t going to do it.
however what makes my motivations any less worthy? I to have “sexual feelings” which I cannot in good concious express. Furthermore, these "feelings’ have the potential to either distract me from my studies or to do something which destroys my family beyond its currant situation. We both love our son intensely and want him to have a reasonable shot in life. I was lucky, may parents stayed together (mostly happily) with some fights for my whole life. However, my wife didn’t have a dad because he abused her mother, then her mother neglected her and her brother severely, and their eventual step-dad was a bastard, mean spirited fundamenalist preacher. She wasn’t even allowed to go to college despite having 1500 SAT’s and graduating at 15 from highschool! Only now in her mid 30’s has she had the opportunity to use some of her intellect in nursing school.
You’re venturing into Great Debates territory here. If it were up to me, you’d get your chemical castration post haste if that’s really what you want. But it isn’t up to me. And the answer to the General Question is no, no doctor will give you what you’re asking for. If you want to debate whether that is right, then you should go to Great Debates.
And I still think you should dump her. So there.
I won’t comment on whether you should stay together, seek counseling, or whatever, but breaking a promise to her three years ago doesn’t mean it’s OK for her to expect you to go without any sort of sexual gratification today. She needs to realize you’re a man, and that you’ll do what men do, whether it’s with her or on your own.
I mean, how would she react if you told her one day that it’s wrong for her to menstruate - would she say “Stuff builds up and it has to leave somehow, get used to it”, or would she look for pills to change the way her body works just to suit your preference?
NSLC, I tried to procure drugs like Thalidamide from overseas (that are available off label here for some cancers, but not lung cancer). I also tried to get getfitnib/ZD18XX(there’s another better known name for that drug, but I can’t recall it right now) because it was so expensive having only been recently approved by the FDA (it was costing us $2,000 per month out of pocket for that drug alone). Well to make a long story short I wasn’t able to get either of these drugs. However, there were hundreds of online pharmacies selling hundreds of other drugs. Perhaps I could acquire what I need from one of these sources. Of course I would read my PDR and check with my local pharmacist before actually taking any such drug. What’s the catch (except that being a nursing student if I get caught my future career is history, since drug convictions spell nursing doom especially in anesthesia).
IRESSA. In fact, what I really wanted was angiostatin/endostatin in combination, but short of stealing it out of Dr. Judah Folkman’s lab (or Bristol Myer Squibbs) I didn’t have any ideas! (unfortunately she didnt’ qualify for clinical trials since she had been treated already with paclitaxol and carboplatinum).
Usually it’s the girls I talk to who are in these messes…
Anyhow - look, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. I will give you my *opinion * and you can do what you want with it.
Saying “no sex with me, no sex with anyone else” then ALSO saying “no masturbating” is, indeed, abusive. It’s emotional abuse. A normal man (and you sound pretty normal to me) is driven to have sex and if he can’t bonk another warm body he’s going to be - >ahem< - getting to know his hand better.
As a matter of fact, a woman in her mid-30’s should be at the peak of her sexual interest. If she truly has no interest in sex SHE is the one with the problem, and it is not normal.
So… let’s see… she claims you broke a promise to her three years ago which somehow (in her mind) justifies her forbidding you sex. Your son is three. Am I correct things started to tank three years ago, around the time your son was born? Was the birth difficult? Because a possible side effect of childbrith - either vaginal or cesearian - can be damage to a woman’s organs that interferes with either her ability to have sex or enjoyment of sex.
It could also be her bad experiences in childhood are coming back to haunt her.
But regardless of HER problem, it is completely unreasonalbe for her to impose a “no sex whatsoever” rule on you. You hear me? It’s not right. My God, forbidding you to touch yourself… that’s out of line. It’s your body and you have a right to enjoy it.
Anyhow, you have a couple choices here:
Divorce her. Yes, yes, we’ve all heard that two-parent families are best. That’s not quite true - HEALTHY two-parent families are best. When one partner is controlling and manipulating the other, that’s not healthy. It is possible that the child will have a better life with divorced but happier parents. On the other hand, divorce can turn into a living hell. I understand this is not something to rush into.
Doctor-shop until you get the libido-lowering drugs you’re seeking. If you are logical and coherent in explaining what you want - as I understand it, you want to lower your libido in order to cope better with this situation that you are choosing to live with - somewhere there’s a doctor who will help you.
Yes, there are some ethical problems with this. On the other hand, if women are permitted to render themselves temporarially sterile with birth control pills in order to seek education and work without having the distractions of pregancy and children, why shouldn’t men have the right to use hormones for THEIR convenience, lowering their libidos to help them achieve their goals?
What boggles my mind is that she’s forbidding you beating off. That’s just mean.
Dude, your son is THREE. That’s 15 years with a wife that can’t stand you, just to make things somehow “better” for your kid, because obviously parents who can’t stand one another but live in the same house are much better behavior models than amicably divorced parents who share custody, right? :rolleyes: And then she’s going to leave you as soon as your son turns 18. Even ignoring what all this will do to you and your wife as individuals, your son is going to grow up seeing an absolutely loveless relationship as normal, and when you and your wife split the second he’s out the door for college, he’s going to realize that it’s his existence that’s kept you both miserable for 18 years. This is not the way to produce a happy, healthy young adult.
Not this one.
You won’t consider SSRI’s because of side-effect fears, yet you want to take estrogens? Oh, man! They have far more side-effects for someone not of the gender born!
I’d recommend counselling for someone in your position. A detached professional to help a person navigate very troubled and confusing waters.
Assuming in good faith that this scenario is for real, and Roland I have to admit that my BSometer needle is jumping just a little here re that you would actually be contemplating using castration drugs, this entire scenario is foolish beyond imagining. Re the ever-increasing emotional distance you describe, I’ve been there and done that with a falling apart marriage. Your wife’s attitude in not giving you nookie has little direct bearing on the 800# issue in and of itself, and is the result of much larger matrix of issues, regardless of whatever she may tell you. It is simply an excuse to push you away.
She does not love you anymore. Period. And it unlikely that her love (based on your description of the situation) will ever be rekindled. That you would contemplate spending the next 15 years in a tormented loveless marriage “for the sale of the kids” is insane. I used to think that staying together in my crumbling marriage “for the sake of the kids” would be a noble thing to do, but my wife had the notion that living together in a relationship characterized by emotional distance and disgust with each other’s POV was worse than the effect of the divorce on the kids. And you know what, in hindsight, however goofy and irresponsible she may have been about the practical day to day stuff of everyday life, on this specific issue she was dead on correct.
Your marriage is over. Get divorced as amicably as possible, work out the custody issues and move on. Based on your description it’s not going to get better and you had best wake up and smell the coffee on this issue or you’re going to go nuts in this dysfunctional relationship.
I’ve gotten in trouble with my wife for some petty stuff before. But that’s just bonkers. You gave out your business’s phone number and “a door in her heart closed forever?” That sounds just a wee bit overboard and melodramatic.
And to still be punishing…no, not just punishing…abusing you three years later for something that sounds so benign? That’s just insane.
With my wife, nothing short of my beating her or cheating on her is going to make any doors “close forver.” Or even a moderately long time. I can only assume my marriage is on the normal side. But sometimes I wonder what “normal” is, and whether I would want to be it.
And I agree with elfbabe about the reasons for divorce. What you’ve got on your hands is a recipe for one messed up kid. Maybe not ax-murderer messed up, but someone who will be more likely to have problems developing and maintaining healthy relationships in the future. Or, maybe ax-murderer messed up…who knows?
Disclaimer: I’m not trying be an ass by debating the worth of your marital issues, but keep in mind I’m calling her fucknuts, not you.
That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Your wife hates you because you posted a 1-800 number in a business discussion board? What’s next - she wants to have you whacked because you cut her sandwiches diagonally?
My BSometer is pegged. Nobody is as crazy as the woman you’re describing. Or as crazy as the man dumb enough to fall for it.
That is the most grotesque and degrading thing I have ever heard. You are willing to destroy a natural part of your body in order to please a woman who doesn’t love you? I would rather be imprisoned for life than be locked into a sexless relationship (especially with a woman). I’m just reeling for how cruel that is. How can she expect a man to go 15 years without sex?? That is truly inhumane. “You have to stay with me, but you are not allowed to enjoy it”. She might as well be Lorana Bobbit, only she had to drag out the severing over a decade. Please, please, please, respect your body a little bit more. I’m sure your son will respect you more for it too, at least he would have a masculine role model.