This is really more of an “out of curiosity” opinion question for those dopers who have had any experience with how people handle real world paternity issues.
I know my children are mine because (for better or worse) they look quite a bit like me, but some studies put the total of mis-assigned paternity, where the husband doesn’t (assumedly) know any better at 7-10% overall which kind of surprised me.
My question is, in the teeming millions opinion and life experience,
1: Do most cuckholded men in this scenario know (or highly suspect) a non-resembling kid isn’t theirs but keep quiet (to the extent of not even voicing suspicions to SO) because a paternity test will pretty much nuke the relaltionship with the SO?
2: Do they really believe the non-resembling kid is theirs?
3: People aren’t complete idiots, and while the non-paternity of the husband is acknowledged, there is usually a tacit deal with the husband to raise the child as his own as long as he has other kids by the same woman.
I have a good friend who was seeing this girl that his family and friends pretty much all hated. And for the record, we’re a pretty friendly bunch, it’s just that this girl is that icky.
Anyway, the relationship was troubled, she was running around on him, things were looking grim, and all of a sudden she’s pregnant.
Now she (blonde hair/blue eyes) and he (red hair/pale,pale skin/freckles) have a completely beautiful daughter who is obviously part mexican. He’s never said a word that I can hear about her not being his, but there were certainly whispers among the spectators when her coloring really began to set in.
Do I think he suspects? He’s not stupid, so yeah, I’m sure he does. He stuck around for the pregnancy, I think, because he’s really old fashioned about some things and has some self-esteem issues. He’s a really good guy, and he felt responsible. By the time it was obvious that he probably wasn’t the father he’d fallen in love with the baby anyway and wouldn’t even discuss paternity tests when his mother brought it up.
My best friend’s older brother just got married to this girl who cheated on him within a month of the wedding! She’d get online and say stuff like “I’m a horney wife who’s not getting any at home,” and try to meet guys (all the while leaving her hubby to take cold showers). Anyhoo, she just got pregnant. The baby’s not born yet, but she actually had the audacity to call up my friend (instead of letting his brother do it) and tell him that she’s pregnant! She said she knows it’s a legitimate child, but we’re all suspicious. Let’s see what he/she looks like on the way out.
Parenthood is more than just biology. If mom and dad choose to believe, or pretend to believe, that the baby is the man’s biological child…once he falls in love with the child and performs all the functions of the child’s father, he becomes the father. IMHO.
Of course this becomes a VERY difficult issue if the parents divorce and mom all of a sudden decides she wants nothing to do with dad. This poor man loves his child and all of a sudden mom pops up with “he/she isn’t even your child anyway, so you can’t have anything more to do with him/her.”
I watched it happen once, and let me tell you…the pain in that situation was beyond belief. And the awful thing was…the dad was as good a father as I have ever seen, and the mom…wasn’t. (A good mom, that is.)
Actually, although I am not saying you can’t be a good mom without being a good partner, it does sort of make you wonder if a woman is a good person if she pulls this kind of thing. Bad enough to cheat, but to pass off another man’s child as her husband’s? The pain for the child is something that may never be erased.
In the situation with the people I know, the child was seven when he (dad) finally accepted the fact that she (mom) was a serial cheater and asked her to leave. The courts gave him custody, since there were other reasons she wasn’t a fit mother and the biological father wanted nothing to do with the child. I am not sure the guy even remembered sleeping with the woman, to tell you the truth. Unfortunately, at seven it was impossible for this to be kept from the child involved. She seems to be fine, but who knows how this will affect her later in life?
Best wishes for all involved in the previous posts.
Never mind your humble opinion- as a matter of law, a husband is presumed to be the father of all children conceived and born during the course of a marriage. That means that, even if there’s scientific proof that a husband is not the biological father of his children, he STILL has all the legal rights and responsibilities of any other father.
That can work for OR against the cuckolded husband, depending on his situation. On one hand, if a divorced man wants to stop paying child support, on the grounds that his children aren’t biologically his, he’s out of luck- he HAS to keep paying child support, because the law says they’re his. But if that divorced Dad WANTS to keep custody of his kids, if he WANTS to keep visitation rights, he’s legally entitled to them. The mother CAN’T refuse him visitation or deny him custody simply by declaring that they arent biologically his.
Now, if the couple WASN’T married at the time of conception, well, that changes things drastically.
Well, I tend to agree with you, but I have known people who weren’t good partners but WERE good mothers. I wouldn’t want to generalize without knowing the people involved, you know? In the case I mentioned, the woman was not a good mother either, so yes. It isn’t my place to judge her, but from what I saw she was a lousy mother. The child is MUCH better off with her father.
WHAT! I am not allowed to have a humble opinion? What is the world COMING to?
Actually, I didn’t know this, I was just stating my own feelings. It is good to know what the legal stance is on this issue. Thank you. That might explain why my acquaintance was able to gain custody of the child without a more difficult legal battle. We all felt he was best given custody, but we thought it would be more difficult than it turned out to be.
