Yes, it made sense to me when she explained it, although I also see the concerns that Incubus raised about some potential dates feeling scammed by the lack of total honesty. My friend admitted that being totally honest in her profile about her weight meant a huge drop in nibbles. But to be fair, she only told me about the more promising dates; never a word about first meetings that led nowhere (if there were any and there probably were).
I can certainly see both sides of the equation here: being straightforward vs. fudging a bit in the hope that the other person can overcome any qualms about you not being physically ideal. I agree that lying completely serves no purpose. Perhaps the best strategy is to emphasize your good points, continually show your confident side, and if the other person keeps demanding recent full body shots or otherwise seems hung up on your looks, move on.
The psychology involved here is really interesting, though. I know another girl who’s definitely overweight by anyone’s standards, yet she’s a knockout and has so much confidence that she wins new male followers just by walking in the room and smiling. When she tried the online dating thing (as a lark) using accurate photos she got very little attention. Yet I’m willing to bet good money that a decent percentage of the same guys who glossed over her photo online would have shown interest in her if they met her face-to-face because in person she’s incredibly magnetic; vixenish, even. Go figure.
They do seem to be. I get the double whammy, I’m tall (5’11-6’, depending on who is measuring, some contraption that is supposed to be extremely accurate once put me at nearly 6’1 but I don’t think that’s right) and I’m not thin (I’d fit right in with a Rubens painting, but rubenesque is as bad a word as curvy in the online dating world).
Another problem is I have so few full body shots. Most of them are from a few years ago, when I was about 30lbs heavier. I try to be honest, and I don’t really get that many nibbles. I get more ‘nibbles’ when I go to the mixers one of the online dating sites has, and it gets me out of the house for some fun.
I broke that link, since it led directly to a page that had NSFW ads and content. Please be aware of the ads on any pages you link to, as well as the content.
[ul][li]Slender = Rail thin to normal[/li][li]About Average = Normal to hefty (20-30 lbs overweight)[/li][li]A Few Pounds Over = 30 - 50 lbs overweight[/li][li]Curvy = >50 lbs overweight (obese)[/li][li]Big and Beautiful = Morbidly obese[/li][li]Athletic/Tones = Don’t talk to me unless you spend a minimum of ten hours a week at the gym[/ul][/li]
Far be it from me to judge, as I’m currently in a state where I could stand to drop at least 20 lbs of body fat, but there is such a disconnect between what people write about themselves on dating sites and what they actually are or do that it’s a pretty discouraging prospect. Every time I read a profile that says, “I love to hike,” I now have to ask myself, “Does that mean that she loves to put on boots and take a ten mile hike through the mountains, or that she likes to walk half a mile down a paved cliff walk away from anything that looks like it might buzz or sting?” I pretty much view online sites as just a way to meet women and figure out if there is any mutual interest, but what I’ve seen on the other side from female friends who have tried Internet dating is that they quickly become infinitely picky and far more judgmental about nuances of wording in a profile than they would be about any half-lame joker they actually met in some serendipitous real life situation.
Actually I’ve found this prejudice to be the in the opposite direction (albeit perhaps so as a reaction to what you describe). I’m on the slight side of 5’10" and prefer to date women who are no less than 5’6", with the ideal being somewhere between 5’8" and 5’11". (The young lady I’m currently and lamentably infatuated with is ~5’8" or a little taller, and ends up being a couple inches taller than me in heels.) And yet, by far most profiles of women 5’6" and above specify a man who is at least 6’.
I can’t say it’s all height, though. I used to know a salesman who was probably 5’4" or 5’5" who had no complaints about woman attention. He would somehow end up in the middle of a group of girls playing the kind of Little Brother role and next then you know would be going home with one (and reportedly, occasionally two) as the Big Stud Of The Evening. I never did figure out how he did it, but he certainly knew how to make the most of his liabilities.
Always break the NSFW links, please. That way, nobody can claim that he accidentally clicked the link. I have actually accidentally clicked a link or two myself, just out of sheer habit.
This is why I gave up on online dating. I’m 5’8" and could stand to lose a few pounds, but I am not huge and don’t have rolls of fat or anything like that. Men I’m friends with or whom I’ve dated tell me I look great and sexy and so on, but I’m sure some men would think I was too big. I get hit on IRL life enough to know that at least some men think I look pretty good, but the idea that someone I’m meeting for the first time might find me unattractive when they first see me makes me cringe.
Also, yes, a lot of men lie about their height, as well as a lot of other things. I don’t mind dating a bald man or someone with a paunch–in fact, I like a paunch and prefer it over a thin/slim physique–but so many men lie about their height! As a fairly tall woman, I really prefer dating someone at least an inch or two taller than me.
I also need to see a man’s eyes. If the guy has only pictures of himself in sunglasses, it ends for me right there.
Is it a fear of rejection? I mean, I could argue that the idea I don’t nail a job interview is because I’m underqualified for that job makes me cringe because it makes me feel a little dumb/incompetent, but I keep trying because I don’t want to sell myself short and would rather aim high (even if it involves polluting my post with run-on sentences ) even IF it means I’m going to get rejected from time to time.
Rejection can be tough, but from a practical standpoint, a rejection from a total stranger isn’t too bad. I mean its not like having your mother/sibling/dog/etc call you ugly
My not-so-educated guess (I did meet my husband online but it was ages ago) … aside from the reasons already discussed here, maybe they’re hiding the truth about their weight because they’re sizing up the guy.
If he sees a “thin” picture of her and they talk online and he’s totally into her – and then he finds out she’s fat and he drops her like a hot potato – he’s a superficial dick. In other words, it’s a defense mechanism.
Or his really pissed off about being misled and deceived. Introductory dating is a series of tests, of course, of if one of those tests is, “Is he a gutless doormat who won’t call me out when I’ve explicitly lied to him,” well, that’s a pretty wonky criteria.
Yeah, I have an inordinate fear of rejection and abandonment. I’m in therapy for that, among other things. My head understands that what you say makes sense, but my heart has a hard time with it.
Except that some guys just honestly prefer a thinner woman. However its almost like we’ve gone so far with the ‘real beauty is on the inside’ rhetoric that if a guy finds a heavy woman unattractive its assumed there’s some fault with him (shallow, playing into media propiganda, etc) and utterly ignoring that some people prefer X and some people prefer Y.
I could argue that some men date fat women because they themselves are insecure about what they have to offer and don’t think they can do any ‘better’ in the dating pool, under the guise of ‘personality is more important than looks’. While some people may genuinely believe that, a lot of people are lying to themselves and using it to justify their own insecurities.
Doing a lot of online dating, I try to set my sights high. Sure I could settle for someone who lacks one thing but makes up for it for something else, but why not shoot for someone who has both of those things?
Oh, very true. And it’s just not fair, you’re right. Real beauty IS on the inside – but dammit, I’ve liked dark haired men since birth and I don’t care how great a blonde man might be – chances are, I’m not gonna wanna crawl into bed with him. It COULD happen, but it’d be unusual.
I sure as hell wouldn’t tell a guy to go fuck himself if I found out he was a blond, though. And unfortunately that’s what happens to a lot of big girls once the pics come out, even when they’ve been honest about what they look like. It’s possible can be upfront about not being attracted to someone without being a dick about it.
Boy am I glad I’m married – I’d never make it in the dating world, online or off!
Or maybe he thinks “This woman has already lied to me once, to get a date, what else has she lied about? What else will she lie about?” In my experience, a person who lies about one thing in order to get something s/he wants will lie about other things. And I’d certainly cross that person off my list of dating prospects.
I knew a guy (in my D&D group) who would say that he’s an inventor and writer. When he showed me his singles ad, I asked him what, in fact, he had invented or written. He had never invented anything that was patented or made, nor had he written anything that was published, or even publishable. I told him, flat out, that I personally found that sort of inflating of his achievements to be red flags in a relationship, and that he should focus on truth, not on stuff that maybe he’ll do someday.
Yep. So is “I like having fun”, I guess because there’s a whole big BUNCH of people who DON’T like to have fun. Now, I will say that I know that one person’s idea of fun is different from another person’s…but I have no clue as to what any particular person’s idea of fun is. Me, I like to browse used book stores, and I know that there are plenty of people who also enjoy this. However, my husband will take me and our daughter to a used book store, and then plop himself down on a chair, oblivious to all the potential treasures that are just begging to be picked up and loved. On the other hand, he’ll talk someone’s ear off about various cars, their problems, and how to fix them.
I’ve walked on a beach, several times. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes not. Mostly, I end up with sand in my sandals or shoes. Walking on the beach is one of those things that are supposed to be very romantic. And it can be, with the right person at the right time. Walking in the rain is also supposed to be very romantic. I have never found it so. The only thing that I’ve ever felt after walking in the rain is cold, wet, and put out.
I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes I think the actual liar’s goal isn’t really to meet up in real life. They just want to have fun online. Meetings then become more of a fringe benefit–if it goes good, they’re happy, but if it doesn’t, they don’t really care, as they can still go have fun online.
Of course, with this rationale, it would be best to have two accounts for the separate purposes.
As for me, when I was in that scene, I didn’t lie as much as not give myself away in my profile. Seeing it all immediately is what happens in real life, and I don’t do that well there, so why would I think it would work online? But I’m not stupid enough to wait until they meet me and let them be surprised. When they ask for pics, they see the real me, flaws and all.
So, I guess I think there is a logic in not being immediately judged by outward appearances, even on a dating site. But lying about it, or keeping it hidden until you meet is inanely stupid. So, I could see women not saying they are fat (because they don’t want the other person to think it’s a big deal), but I can’t understand actually trying to deceive others into thinking they are skinny.
) even IF it means I’m going to get rejected from time to time.