Woodchuck armageddon

Inspired by Johnny La’s story of his fall, I offer this:

About 20 years ago, I decided to grow some strawberries. A back to my roots thing, as my dad and granddad grew berries for market when I was young. I decided on a 20 x 40 patch in my best garden area, with a water hydrant next to the patch. So I planted my berries, and weeded and watered them every day. I kind of enjoyed it, it was a great stress reliever after work. It also meant that the weeds could not get overwhelming, since I worked it every day. This went on for a couple of months, my plants were growing like crazy, looking great.

Then I came home one day, and saw a large mound in the middle of my patch! A wood chuck had set up residence while I was at work!! I looked at the mound, a large hole in the middle of it, and saw 2 other small holes on the edge of the patch.
This meant war!! I decided to smoke the little bastard out, and then shoot him. I went and got a 9mm pistol I had, a 15 shot semi automatic. I went in the barn, and got a 5 gallon tub of used engine oil, and some rags, plus a piece of plywood. I looked for some matches, but all I could find was a stupid butane fire starter thingy, a cigarette lighter with a long nose. I made sure I had the water hose handy, as it had been very dry for weeks, and the grass in the lawn was very dry.

Now I was ready. I filled in one hole, the farthest away, and prepared some rags by soaking them in oil. I then thought that they might not light very easy, so I went and dumped about a gallon of old chainsaw mix, which is mostly gas in the tub, swirled the rags around, then put them in the hole, and tried to light them. NFG! I kept trying to get the stupid lighter to work, it took a minute. When I did get it to light, I stuck it in the hole. Bad idea. A big boom!, and little flaming bits of cloth all over the lawn! Some of it landed in the oil tub, which was only a few feet away. It went up, and so did a big piece of grass. I grabbed the hose and started putting that fire out, I let the tub burn, as pouring water on a oil fire is a bad idea. I did kick the plywood over the hole. It took a few minutes to put the grass fire out, then I looked over, and the wood chuck was sitting at the top of his hole, smoke all around him, looking at me like “what the fuck did you do???”

I pulled my pistol out, but I couldn’t shoot!! The horses and goats had come over to see what was going on, and they were behind a fence about 20 feet behind the SOB!! So I ran toward him, but he ran under the fence, between the horses, so I still didn’t get a shot. I ran around the barn to get to a gate there, and saw him at the other side of the paddock, about 50 feet away. I shot a couple of times, missed, and he kept running, going through the pasture, to a wooded swale, about 100 yards away. I started shooting, emptied my pistol, but never hit him.

I returned to the garden, my pistol empty, and looked around. The oil tub had burned down to a black pizza thing, and because it was very still that day, the smoke just kind of hung in the air. The burnt plastic smell was very strong. A patch of grass 40 feet in diameter was burned black. And then my wife walked up. She had been pulling in the driveway, when she heard the shooting. She asked what happened? I told her about the woodchuck. She asked if I got him. I said no. She looked around the yard, shook her head, and went inside. It took a long time to live this down…


I am now counting myself lucky that our groundhogs live peacefully under the front porch and just waddle out to chew on grass.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck while being chased through a lawn fire and shot at by a guy named Bubba?

I HATE GROUNDHOGS!!! Almost everyone on my family rolled a tractor in a chuck-hole at one point or another and a more distant cousin was killed when it happened to him. And folks wonder why we carry rifles and saddle scabbards all the time.

(We’re lucky – no livestock. Hence real clean shots.)

OMG that is too funny. I think the groundhog won that one. I can’t believe your username is actually Bubba to boot.

We had one dig into our shed, which I don’t really care about, because I like the little bastard, but he knocked over the gasoline for our snowblower. :eek: He’s lucky we secure everything, it would have been so easy to make a spark and cause a fire.

I love America, and this is why. Great story.

Well it’s got my story beat. I just got a trap to get one of the little buggers. Next time though…

Thread title makes a great band name. Just need to add, “Featuring Herman Mendelsohn”.

Bill? Is that you man?

Loved you in Zombieland.

Next time just use a Rodenator.

Groundhogs are sort of cute and unoffensive and I could overlook them digging up the dirt floor of my outbuildings and we could co-exist quite happily if the little bastards didn’t have such an appetite for sunflowers. Every year I plant a few hundred sunflowers and every year, just as the sunflowers are starting to really sprout, the groundhog comes along and chews off the leaves leaving sad naked stems to wither in the July sun.

I’ve got a yard full of grass and clover and dandelions and those are all free for the taking, so why do they have to be destructive assholes and eat the stuff I deliberately planted? Unfortunately, even if I weren’t a soft-hearted wuss, I live in a suburb and I think the neighbors would be none to pleased about my blasting away with firearms. The burrows are under flammable structures, so smoking them out is not an option and, officially, at least, you’re not even allowed to trap them in Massachusetts. That means I’m pretty much reduces me to shaking my fist in futile anger and occasionally resorting to the surreptitious use of a Hav-a-Hart trap (which just results in the woodchuck becoming Someone Else’s Problem).

You’re lucky it wasn’t a badger. The fucker would have been running toward you with death in it’s crazy,hateful, beady little eyes, and hitting it with a 9 mil would just piss it off.

I share the groundhog hate. They eat all the good stuff. Every year we have to set out the humane trap and then take one or two on long drives to the country. We don’t have the firepower or the heart to do otherwise.

Heh, think that’s bad?

At our cottage, we have porcupines - and they like to chew. They particularly like the taste of certain glues, salts and oils - so one common target is plywood; another, the gas lines of vehicles.

Think of waking up at night to find one eating the floor out of your house - and it has already disabled your car. :smiley:

As a kid, one of my jobs was to crawl under the raised floor of the cottage and hook a noose around the corpses of porkupines that my dad had shot or chewing on the floor … avoiding the three-inch needle-sharp spines. Nasty. Later, he got smart and installed wire mesh.

The only thing worse was when a skunk took up residece in a hole it dug under the porch. My dad defeated that skunk with … conservative talk radio. Seriously. He put a radio where the skunk couldn’t get at it, left it on one of those ranty talk shows, and left it … the skunk could not stand the noise and buggered off (talk apparently works better than music - especially loud, angry talk).

Be careful Bubba — the gophers may escalate!


Poison for the win. Excellent choice for rodents. You just have to make certain you give them enough to drop them in their little tracks. You also need to make sure that you have sealed up all except for one exit. Some guys use carbon monoxide and feed the output hose down the holes.

Jeez man, I can’t believe you never went into golf course greens management. Great story, even if chuck never was running away at night with his little butt on fire.

Reminds me of Squirrel Cop.

I’m delighted to be the first to link to the Dope classic How To Kill Evil Nazi Groundhogs

Groundhogs are dangerous! Back in 81 my mom and me were chased out of a nature sanctuary by a rabid one. We were looking for the rabid skunk I’d seen a few years earlier and instead we got a groundhog!

Fortunately the hydrophoby or whatever stopped it from crossing the creek and we got away and now for some reason the people who operate the nature sanctuary don’t let people go near the creek.