I am just not having Happy Lunches lately. Must be bad karma. Or maybe it’s how cranky I get when I’m hungry. Anyhow - feel free to jump in. Today’s examples:
Lunch Bandits - these have been mentioned before. They’re the people who steal your lunch. Why “Bob Smith” would mistake a bag prominently marked as belonging to “Sally Goodenough” for his own is a mystery, but that’s what he claimed. Perhaps Bob is completely colorblind, mistaking Sally’s pink bag for his brown one, and illiterate as well, to have avoided the three inch high lettering. The height of arrogance here would, of course, be to complain about the contents of said bag.
Microwave Police - this is the busy-body (invariably female at my place of employement) who pounces on you like a hawk on a rabbit when the BEEP goes off. “Are you done? Are you done?” No, bitch, the box clearly says “nuke 3 minutes, stir, nuke three more minutes”. “Well, you should just put it in for 5. It’s my turn now”. Fuck you - I ain’t eating half-done beef-n-broccoli just because YOU’RE in a hurry.
This bitch also snatches the box, napkins, and plasticware sitting in front you on the counter in the name of “cleaning up”. Hey - I’m using that!. To which she replies “you shouldn’t leave it lying around”. Oh? I’m standing next to a neat arrangement of critical eating utensils. What do you suggest I do with it? Will you stand here and hold it for me?
Also says “Why don’t you use the other microwave, on the other side of the floor”? Why don’t YOU, bitch?
Diet Commentators - you know, just don’t say jackshit about other peoples’ food choices. Really. I am eating Lean Cuisine not because I’m on a diet but because it doesn’t taste like total shit. Nor does it look like turds suspended in wallpaper paste. Frequently, I eat Lean Cuisine because it’s on sale at the store this week.
Really, you just can’t win with diet comments. “Trying to take off those holiday pounds, huh?” is just as dangerous as “You don’t need to diet and lose weight!” Just shut the fuck up, OK? None of your Og-damned business.
Popcorn Burners - doesn’t every office have one? The person who burns microwave popcorn. On a regular basis. Microwave popcorn is NOT rocket science, even infrequent users usually get good results. If you make this shit every single day how can you fuck up so consistently? Or do LIKE the taste of burning plastic and charcol?
Peel Police - Don’t fucking lecture me on the benefits of eating that apple peel. Again - none of your Og-damned business. Either I will eat this variety of apple peeled or I will not eat it at all - there are no alternative choices. Other varieties of fruit I will eat with peels, but not this one. And it doesn’t fucking matter what your opinion is, you’re not eating it. Unless you want the peel? No? Well, if YOU won’t eat it why should I?
I’m sure I’ll have more in the near future.