Worst albums of all time?

Cafe Society
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I mean, truly, wretchedly, scintillatingly, couldn’t have been worse if the lyrics had been written by William the Bloody bad.

My nominees are:

Black Sabbath- Technical Ecstasy. I’m intrigued by the cover art, though. I’m sure it’s a dirty picture, I’m just not sure what it’s a dirty picture of.

Ozzy Osbourne- * Bark at the Moon*. First studio album after the untimely demise of Randy Rhodes. The lack of inspiration shows.

Dio- Sacred Heart. I was actually spared the agony of purchasing this clunker because I borrowed a casette copy from a coworker.

I know, there’s a pattern. When I was in my teens and twenties, I tended to buy records by artists who had been in bands with other artists I liked- started with Ozzy, worked my way back to Deep Purple and Rainbow, but I’m hijacking my own thread and this is still the OP.

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note to self- preview is my friend

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I’m sure those albums wouldn’t qualify for the title of ‘worst album ever’. They’re either disappointing or just mildly crappy.

For the ‘worst album ever’ category, you’d have to look into something likeAnal Cunt - It just gets worse or anything by the Olsen twins.

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Spirits Dancing In The Flesh by Santana made my skin crawl it was so bad. I won’t even store it with my other old tapes, because I’m afraid it will corrupt and taint the rest of them. I can’t throw it out for fear that some other poor soul will find it and have to suffer.

I love Zappa, and will probably catch hell for this from other fans, but Joe’s Garage Acts II & III actually made me sick at my stomach to listen to. Act I had a few songs I liked, and made me laugh, and even doing a pretty good Central Scrutinizer imitation after a while (always a sure fire hit at parties :rolleyes: ). But II & III were so mind-numbingly boring and endless that I felt time slowing down. I know Zappa was spoofing concept albums and the whole rock star mentality, he got caught in his own trap on those albums IMO.

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When I was back in college, I used to review records for our radio station. Let me assure you, no album that anyone’s ever heard of is as bad as those we used to get in.

The only one that sticks in my mind was an album by Lol Coxhill, a British jazz musician that had a two-record set made up of random saxophone bleats. However, it did have the weirdest possible version of “I am the Walrus,” plus a couple of strange songs from the 30s.

Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music was also gloriously horrible, with a bunch of unmusical hums and whistles. Rumor was that this was the last album in his contract, and he deliberately made crap. It backfired: he wasn’t taken seriously for a long time.

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Metal Machine Music, hands down.

Lou Reed even wrote in the liner notes that it was unlistenable and was not meant to be listened to all the way through.

Of course, releasing this album put a torpedo in reed’s career., but since his ego and sense of “I’m the coolest person ever,” has prevented Lou from realizing this.

WORST ALBUM EVER>

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If we’re discussing albums by actual serious musicians, as opposed to “The Olsen Twins Sing The Best of N’Sync” or some such thing, I nominate Gordon Downie’s “Coke Machine Glow.”

I want you to imagine the album that would be produced if Eddie Vedder left Pearl Jam and recorded a dozen songs written and arranged by Jewel, accompanied by the Rock Bottom Remainders, that author-band that include Stephen King and Dave Barry. That’s what “Coke Machine Glow” was like.

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Black Sabbath’s “Technical Ecstasy” is one of the worst records? I beg to differ…that’s a great album!

“All Moving Parts (Stand Still)”
“Rock and Roll Doctor”

Great stuff. Of course I’m an old Sabbath head but still…

Here’s some food for thought: YOKO ONO

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I at one point owned the worst album ever. It seems pointless to mention it, since it’s a band that (PRAISE GOD) is pretty obscure, but it was so gut-wrenchingly awful that I feel I should describe it.

I picked up this CD completely at random one day along with a couple others. The first song on it was kind of sad and sweet and unusual, and I thought “Wow, I might have discovered a killer album here.”

Nope. The rest of the CD was filled with two-note guitar riffs and some idiot screaming. The lyrics didn’t go far beyond George Carlin’s Seven Words You Can’t Say on the Air list. I’m not making that up. Actually, the description makes the band sound half-decent compared to what this sounded like. My brain has never forgiven me for subjecting it to that.

Either the band’s name was Temple of the Morning Star and the album was called “Today is the Day” or the band was called Today is the Day and the album was called “Temple of the Morning Star.” Either way, they sucked. To paraphrase one of my favorite Pit insults, each of the band members was one load his mama should have swallowed.

I eventually sold it during Booksale Day at my old high school, which shocked me quite a bit. I mean, I always knew the kids at my high school had too much money and no taste in anything… but…
I pity the fool.

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Hands down, Shaggs’ Philosophy Of The World. They tried to turn the inability to sing on key or play their instruments into a virtue. One listen has the potential to make you beg for a quick and merciful death.

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William Shatner’s “The Transformed Man” (though perhaps it takes real genius to imagine such horrible sounds)

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I think Joe’s Garage is a great album, all three volumes.

The worst album ever is anything by Blink 182.

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Amen to the Shaggs album. Lester Bangs described the vocals as sounding like “three Singing nuns who’ve been sniffing lighter fluid.”

Words fail me…

I’d also nominate any album by Throbbing Gristle with the songs “Hamburger Lady” or “Subhuman”…if you haven’t had the pleasure of those two songs, imagine something like Pink Floyd’s “Speak To Me” from Dark Side Of The Moon. Then subtract the music.

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The Onion AV Club has been putting out a “Least Essential Albums” list for the past few years. I don’t know about “all time”, but they sure do contain some of the worst recent albums:

The Least Essential Albums of 2001
The Least Essential Albums of 2000
The Least Essential Albums of the 90s

Some high…er, lowlights:
Hampsterdance: The Album (I shit you not)
Shaquille O’Neal, The Best Of Shaquille O’Neal (again, I shit you not)
Snow, Greatest Hits (why is this plural?)

The winner for the 90s, The Adventures Of… by MC Skat Kat & The Stray Mob, sounds absolutely wretched.

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In musical theatre circles, the ** Korean Evita ** is generally recognized as the worst thing to ever be put on ANY CD. Not easy to do, as Evita is a great score. But that CD sucks big time.

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Obviously, none of you have ever heard Nitro’s OFR. So bad I bought it.

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Hotel California

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Well, in all likelihood, the REAL worst album of all time was recorded by some lousy band we’ve never heard of, and that sold about 10 copies (all to relatives and friends of the band).

But let’s face it, it’s no fun to trash unknown bands. So, we’ll stick to “worst albums ever released by famous, successful artists.”

In that case, the 3 worst albums ever made are…

#3: Here’s a riddle for you: How do you send 50,000 people to the rest room simulataneously? Answer: "Thank you… and now we’re going to play some songs from ‘Nebraska.’ "

Springsteen has made some great records, but “Nebraska” is NOT one of them, no matter what Dave Marsh or Robert Christgau tries to tell you.

#2: I’ve heard lots of lousy albums. I’ve heard lots of lousy DOUBLE albums. But until the Clash made “Sandinista,” I’d never thought it was possible to make a TRIPLE album without a single good song on it.

I mean, when you record enough songs to fill a TRIPLE album, shoot, you ought to come up with ONE listenable track just by sheer dumb luck! But the Clash didn’t have ANY luck with that LP (which nearly bankrupted them).

And now, the #1 bad album of all time…

Look, I was a HUGE Emerson Lake and Palmer fan in high school. I LOVED them. I STILL love a ot of their music. But if I EVER meet any of them, I know exactly what I’ll say…

Me: Hey… aren’t you Keith Emerson?

Keith: Why, yes.

Me: Wow, this is amazing. Keith, listen, there’s something I’ve wanted to ask you for, gosh, over 20 years now. May I ask?

Keith: Sure, go rright ahead.

Me: Well, I bought “Love Beach” back in 1979. It was in the discount rack, and I paid 99 cents for it. And I’ve been wanting to ask you ever since… can I have my money back?

I mean, “Love Beach” was the absolute pits. From what I understand, the 3 members of the band absolutely DESPISED each other by 1979, and may simply have released an album of junk to fulfill a contractual obligation, so they could break up.

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tarkus

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It’s Ear of Beholder, which was originally released on Dandelion, a label run by the BBC’s John Peel. I wouldn’t defend that album (not having heard it & since it’s given a pretty low rating in the Cook/Morton guide) but there’s nothing random about his saxophone playing. He’s a very fine player, who plays everything from straight jazz and free-improv to deliberately annoying destructive Dada (the principal avenue for that nowadays being the group Birdyak). He’s perhaps best sampled instead via a recent double-CD selected works on Emanem, Spectral Soprano, or by any of his solo albums. He may be spotted in a number of Derek Jarman films by the way.

My area of expertise is jazz & improv. This is music which is usually recorded on small budgets for small-to-medium-size labels, & so the potential for grand moneywasting folly on the scale of some of the pop & metal disasters mentioned here is unfortunately absent. That said, let me name a few memorable trainwrecks.

The Sign of 4, by Pat Metheny, Derek Bailey, Paul Wertico & Gregg Bendian. Talk about moneywasting folly, this is a 3-CD set. Methenyheads were mostly appalled by this 3-hour piercing racket, mostly the results of a rather ill-recorded live concert at the Knitting Factory. People like myself who were more interested in Derek Bailey, the great English avantgarde guitarist, were appalled by Pat’s endless loquaciousness & ultra-abrasive guitar & synth-guitar, which manages to obliterate what all the other players are doing. This is an album where the double drum solos are actually the quietest & most pleasant bits. – Come to think of it I should name Metheny’s ghastly solo album Zero Tolerance for Silence here too.

Zohar by the Mystic Fugu Orchestra. A joke album which isn’t a bit funny–John Zorn & Yamatsuka Eye for 20-odd minutes pretending they’re two decrepit rabbis. Faint voice & harmonium is just audible under layers of artificial 78rpm record static.

The Bill Evans Album. Bill Evans on a particularly tinkly 1970s electric piano–need I say more? This is the man with the loveliest keyboard touch in jazz & what he was doing playing the thing escapes me.
One further footnote: while I wouldn’t exactly think of Joe’s Garage as a notably terrible album, yes, acts II & III are a letdown to any but the confirmed Zappaphile. Though the final “Little Green Rosetta” is actually pretty good–much more entertaining than the endless 1970s guitar-god soloing that makes up much of the rest of the album.