Worst novel ever published

No, not asking, telling.

I humbly submit “The Ski People”, by Burton Hersh

I ran across this hideous gem one night in a hotel with one of those library like rooms for the businessman. One of those ones that puts junkola books on the shelf to make the place look cozy. In a fit of insomnia, I grabbed this one off the shelf.

Opening paragraph:

**The important mistake Felicia Opfer Kutz made was in letting herself be upset to the point where she would even mention such a thing as underwear. This Felicia realized afterward, once she had the opportunity to compose herself in the privacy of her room in the Holy Troll Lodge, take a warm standing sponge bath, squirm into her one-piece tank suit and think about starting for the solarium. It had taken that long, at least an hour, before Felicia felt that she might even want to confront other human beings again, ever, truthfully.

Oy. After that I wondered, could it really be that bad? You know how sometimes when you are considering reading a book, you flip through, and read a few random paragraphs, just to get a taste? I tried that. Oh yeah, it can be that bad, and worse. When I am depressed, I flip to a random paragraph. I always wind up with the giggles. Great mood lifter.

Published by no less a house than McGraw/Hill in 1968, I have to wonder what kind of drugs the editor was using when he greenlighted this one. Aside from the blindingly obvious missing comma in the second sentence, and flawed construction of the first paragraph as a whole, the florid prose in this pile of shit is beyond belief. Check this thread for more choice, random paragraphs in the next few days. I promise hilarity!

Frankly your book sounds a lot better than The Fifth Sorceress, by Robert Newcomb.

I’ll nominate Anything For Billy by Larry McMurtry.

I’m hoping to have it published next year.

That first paragraph alone could just be meant to sound silly, as a sort of teaser. I’m not yet convinced that this book is worse than Eragon.

I think it’s got a long, long way to go before it’s as bad as Lionel Fanthgorpe, he of tyhe zillion nicknames, whose writing style can best be described as “The word-count’s short? Where’s my thesaurus?”

Here’s a gripping description of the heroine brushing her teeth from Dark Continuum

Flipping, flipping, finger THERE:

Othmar wondered after that what could be in back of so much commitment. For Vivian, who was reaching the irresponsible period for women, something very young and even to her a little bit succulent was worthy of so many lies, probably. But what could Russell mean to screwbally little Monseigneur? Twice that Othmar remembered Parturio Voluvo himself-at least whatever of him there was was under so many scarves and fleece-lined overcoats-twice Monseigneur was there to watch Othmar training the boy. Of course as mysteries about Parturio Voluvo went this interest in the ski development of Russell Ornum was absolutely minor. One of the unimportant mysteries.

Never read it myself but for all the controversy it created Salaman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses was known to be a crappy read.

:eek: That can’t possibly be meant seriously!

Well, the narrative style is impressively muddled and confusing. Let’s hear some dialogue!

Is she supposed to be obsessive compulsive?

Actually, I think the lack of a comma after ‘This’ is correct for the sentence, as horribly written as it is. That’s the comma I’m assuming you’re talking about.

Flipping pages, flipping, finger there, STOP!

Are you the same Vivian I know years and years ago, in Florida one summer, where it was hot and so many coconut-palm trees all the time down there, where we got very close right away with each other and copulate constantly like a couple of moonstruck baboons?

Top THAT. Mind you, I am randomly picking paragraphs here.

I had heard that Rushdie was the shiat. One of he world’s greatest novelists, etc. Well, you know what they say about he emperor and his wardrobe…

Meh. The guy was just into dental porn. At least the thing is properly constructed. Brush those molars, baby, yeah, that’s it, ooh baby!

That’s just one aspect of his awfulness. It doesn’t characterize him. Read Galaxy 666 (written under the nom de plume “Pel Torro”)some time with its thesauric passages (“It was a wanton planet, a negligible planet, a wasteful, pointless…”) and you’ll realize that your pitifil Hersh examples can’t compare in awfulness to Fanthorpe.
Look at the websites I cited. There’s no way I’m going to dig out my copies now.

I nominate Greyfax Grimwald (Circle of Light, Book 1), by Niel Hancock. Truly, irredeemably wretched. Cite. Or, as jayjay so eloqently put it in the Books you just couldn’t finish thread:

Here’s an example of Fanthorpian thesauric awfulness. You brought this on yourself:

From March of the Robots (what else?)

Dogs and cats slept, but at least they weren’t copulating like moonstruck baboons. :smiley:

And it wasn’t about a bunch of people with names like “Othmar” that hang out at a ski resort named the “Holy Troll Lodge”.

It reminds me of those random spam messages where I can understand all of the words but when strung together-they go-and I went-past each other to the davenport-which was copulated by fruit cakes sent by Grandma in the past I know where they were.