Like most sane people I occassionally wonder what my best course of action would be in the event of the inevitable zombie apocalypse, however to my disappointment I recently read this article:
Seems pretty well argued to me, is the author correct or could those wacky legions of the undead somehow circumvent the above listed restrictions so we can really have the downfall of civilisation as we know it?
I mean surely I haven’t jury-rigged a patented anti-zombie tank-flail system to my old landrover for nothing?!?
Sure, it’s all fun and games until the penises start falling off.
I think his logic is pretty sound - I think you need to mix a few more wrinkles into the scenario to get a really good zombie apocalypse going. Like The Walking Dead’s “everyone is infected already and will zombify when they die” - that’s a good one.
I can see one really important factor – from the movies, of course – in how fast the zombies move. If they shamble along, stiff-legged, like Boris Karloff’s Frankenstein’s Monster, then, shrug: ya just outrun 'em. If they can sprint… That starts to get scary…
Zombie intelligence is up there also: do they just move stupidly, or do they get to act in an organized manner?
(Just saw “Reign of Fire” and couldn’t suspend disbelief. Dragons? Vs. modern weaponry? Winning? G’wan!)
The thing that gets me about zombie flicks is that no filmmaker has ever made a zombie look as scary as an actual dead body. Actual dead bodies are freaky as fuck, especially in the bloat stage. Zombies…meh.
I’ve never really liked the whole ‘fast zombie’ thing, while they are indeed scary don’t really seem like proper zombies. A mass horde of the undead shambling towards you would be extremely scary but as the link above shows getting to that point is difficult.
I’ve always liked that one a lot. (Didn’t Night of the Living Dead use it?) Besides upping the threat level significantly, it avoids one of my least favorite zombie tropes, the “I was bitten, but I’ll lie or just not say anything so I can turn at the worst possible moment” guy, a.k.a. the Zombie Infectee (beware: TV Tropes link).
In the movies, they always act like once the city is overrun, there’s nothing they can do about it. Even if there were 40,000 zombies in a major American city, we killed more than that at Gettysburg in a few days! Now imagine if one side had only their teeth and bony claws to fight with. Just rally your boys and spend a weekend taking back your city. What’s the problem?
Why do movie characters always run around in T-shirts? You don’t need to go all “16th-century suit of armor”, here. Tape some fucking couch cusions to your chest and pillows to your forearms, or something. Put on a catcher’s mask and helmet. Bam. Bite-proof. A suit of war from some cotton balls.
What happened to all the aviation? Why can’t you find a pilot or working aircraft anywhere? With just a crop-duster, you could tow a banner directing survivors, scavenge for supplies over 100s of miles, or just get the hell out of dodge with a few days’ rations and camp in the woods 'til your fellow humans, dressed like 2), are able to perform 1).
LOL this plot element was present in the originator of the zombie apocalypse genre the Romero trilogy(Night/Dawn/Day) not much of a deal is made of it but it is clear every death will rise.
See that is the only way a zombie apocalypse makes sense, because you couldf never have containment.
If zombies are spreading a virus via bite well they might take the major landmasses but they will never reach an island or Australia. Even if a ship or plane departs with zombies on board it is very easy to set up a containment system for refugees. Everyone that gets off the ship must sing, talk, yell, dance, whatever. Anyone shambling off will get hit by one of several machine gun toting soldiers.
I was walking through Home Depot a couple of years ago and noticed a machete on a shelf. Thought to myself, “That’d be handy in case of zombie apocalypse…” and walked on. A few minutes later I was back to get the machete because it occurred to me that if I didn’t buy the machete I was guaranteeing a zombie apocalypse probably the next day (I’ve lived this life for 46 years now, and I know how things work!). So since I have a machete, there has been no zombie apocalypse…
That’s when you get in your car. You could probably do a fair bit of damage to a zombie with 2500+ pounds (and that’s my Honda Civic, hardly the heaviest car on the road) of metal that can move at 100 mph.
Thanks, dude! You do indeed have a fine grasp of how life works. As a corollary, if you ever lose the machete, just go buy another one, and you’ll be sure to find the first one again. Two machetes would surely be that much more protection against the Zombie Apocalypse.
I think the first point is rather weak. There is no reason to assume that any predators larger than insects are going to go after a fully mobile zombie. Most animals are naturally cautious of humans, and the ones most likely encountered in the urban setting are either domesticated or too small to be troublesome to a zombie. Additionally, what if the zombies just like eating living flesh? There isn’t any reason to assume they only eat humans. Bugs would become problematic, but since zombies are mobile by some unknown biological mechanism, there isn’t any reason to assume they would cause significant trouble other than reduced vision.
Exploding: Unlikely. Zombies move about, eat things, and “respire” enough to make noise. That means the airways open and close. Zombies are more likely to have rotting meat burps and farts than explode. Even if one did rupture, they dont need those organs anyway.
Heat and cold: Both good points. I can’t argue with either, but it takes a long time to freeze something that big and mobile solid. It takes even longer to dry it out to the point its jerky.
Transmission: Irrelevant. Too many differing scenarios to adequately analyze.
Not all zombie movies assume the zombies are dead come to life. The zombies in 28 days later were still alive, their brains were just hijacked by a virus that filled them with rage. But in that movie the zombies all died out within 2 months of the outbreak.
I firmly believe that the human race is just twisted enough that, even though there ARE no such things as Zombies, we’ll sure as hell make something come close.
Working on what Wesley said, there are some ways in which a Zombie outbreak could still work. Lets start by defining our Zombie:
They are still alive, but mentally manipulated in a way that makes them ravenous and strong
The agent of infection is such that it is spread by bite, and some humans are immune.
Time from infection to zombification is variable, time range depending on the person.
I don’t think we’ve strayed too far from “Classic Zombie.” Sure, they are often referred to as dead, but we can wank that away as attributing their appearance to a dead human. Tthe Cracked article supports this; if Zombies are immune to pain they are gonna get banged up and dirty.
Next, how does the outbreak occur? It doesn’t seem implausible that an infected individual could bite another human and no-one does anything dramatic. If I wasn’t informed of a zombie outbreak, I certainly would object to being shot in the head after being bitten by a crazy person running down the street. I’d file a police report, call work and tell 'em I’m not feeling well, and go home to my wife.
This brings us to the primary point of the article: Humans are armed and would shoot the shit out of zombies. Yeah, this is true if we know a zombie outbreak is happening. Whenever the question is posed to me “If a zombie outbreak happens, would you off yourself?” My answer is a resounding yes: because the people who survive the initial outbreak are fucking sociopaths. The people who survive the initial outbreak are people, who upon seeing a loved one, neighbor, or stranger shamble at them with a funny look in their eye, they decide it is a good idea to just shoot the fuck out of them. I maintain that this is a small percent of the population, and as evidence I’ll point to the drunken crowds of college kids that troll my street at 2AM on a Friday night. As much as I imagine people want to shoot them, they don’t.
Part of the reason Zombies are so interesting is because they prey on the empathy of humans. We don’t throw away our sick or injured. We fight to keep people alive at any cost; life support, monetary, and emotionally. That trait makes us vulnerable, and is why an outbreak is possible.
Good point; also, the zombies are our loved ones - very few people want to take a pick axe to Grandma’s head, even when Grandma starts trying to gnaw on your face.
