A while back a friend of mine, M, was contacted on FB by an old flame from high-school. They are both in their late 40s
He told her that he and his wife had split up a few months prior, they had been together for 15 years and have a 12 year old daughter.
The two of them started talking and made plans to get together, he lives several states away. She is hoping they will rekindle the old romance and it will lead to a long term relationship.
One day she calls me up, mad as hell and close to tears because he ‘lied’ to her.
The lie? He always referred to his ex as his wife and she had just found out that they had never been legally married. She was furious that he ‘lied’ to her, and she was ending it now.
I said what lie? They were together for 15 years, longer than a lot of marriages, and have a daughter. Lots of people who live together refer to each other as husband and wife. I don’t see what the big deal is, I don’t know what difference it makes - except he is free now and doesn’t need to go through the divorce process.
Ugghhhh…while this overall scenario has the potential of epic disaster hood and a made for TV drama on some sorta Lifetime channel…
Yeah, IMO you are right…if your friend considers this some sort of major “lie” in and of itself…she’s the crazy drama queen here…
Though I guess the fact he actually NEVER married her but called it a marriage might be a minor red flag…but it certainly isn’t in the realm of major lie as it stands.
Your explanation would have been easier to follow if you’d made clear which gender was your friend and who contacted who and said what when. Too many pronouns for me to keep straight.
In any case this woman you mention is a drama problem. Ignore whatever she says on any topic. Unstable people are a bane on the planet.
I call my Ex my EX, though we weren’t legally married, but for all practical purposes that is what I considered her (well, technically speaking my wife, not my Ex).
When “Misses Fish” decided to become EX “Misses Fish”…well, legally speaking that made things easier…though it also made it easier for her to screw me…but that is another thread. Then again, it ALSO made it easier for me to go “fuck off and die you lying assed cunt” should she encounter some random life challenge in the future (yet another thread…).
I know lots of people who have a “wife” or “husband” despite the lack of a marriage certificate. I have a hard time seeing this as deceptive, though. Except in a few narrow legal issues, it really makes no difference. Unless he’s made specific claims like “The law says I must do x because we were legally married” then he’s done nothing dishonest.
However, I could see maybe being upset in some other ways if I was the girlfriend in this situation. For example, she may be thinking “He’s been married in the past. So he’s the kind of guy who settles down and gets married. So there’s hope for this relationship being permanent in the way that I want.” Finding out that he was never technically married kind of ruins her chain of assumptions. It might justify being upset, but doesn’t make him a liar.
Sorry friend is female. Her ex is male.
I knew what I meant, but yeah too many pronouns.
*A while back a friend of mine, Marcia, was contacted on FB by an old flame, Paul, from high-school. They are both in their late 40s
Paul told Marcia that he and his wife had split up a few months prior, they had been together for 15 years and have a 12 year old daughter.
Marcia and Paul started talking and made plans to get together. Paul lives several states away. Marcia is hoping they will rekindle the old romance and it will lead to a long term relationship.
One day Marcia calls me up, mad as hell and close to tears because Paul ‘lied’ to her.
The lie? Paul always referred to his ex as his wife, and Marcia had just found out that Paul and ‘his wife’ had never been legally married. Marcia was furious that Paul ‘lied’ to her, and she was ending it now.
I said what lie? They were together for 15 years, longer than a lot of marriages, and have a daughter. Lots of people who live together refer to each other as husband and wife. I don’t see what the big deal is, I don’t know what difference it makes - except he is free now and doesn’t need to go through the divorce process.
I used to call my ex “my husband” at times when it simplified life. There really is no good English term for a long-term relationship. “Girlfriend/boyfriend” sound temporary and juvenile, “partner” and “significant other” are both kind of inane, and that leaves nothing, really, other than husband and wife, which describe the relationship fairly accurately.
I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. But I’ve heard that there are people in the dating world who do play fast and loose with their marital status, so people in those circles are really not in the mood to hear half-truths about things like this, and one does so at one’s peril (no matter how innocent it is). It’s kind of like being imprecise with the facts at a job interview.
Hope I didn’t sound like a jerk. You bumped one of my pet peeves.
I used to run a B2B sales business with about 20 women employees. And one guy other than myself. So often my admin assistant (a woman) would tell me that the ops manager (woman) told the assistant about a conversation between one of our workers (woman) and a customer employee (woman).
So when there was a problem I’d get a verbal report: “She said that she said that she said X and then she said Y then she said Z and then she said Q which made her say B. And so now it’s a mess. Can you fix it?” My response:
Over the space of about 6 months I trained all pronouns out of that assistant. She originally was resistant until she realized that she never knew who was saying what when the other women were talking to her. So she started getting on their cases about all the “shes” & “hers” with never any names. I was so proud of her when that started. (And yes, all “shes” and “hers” in this paragraph refer to my assistant. Bless her.)
As far as I’m concerned, marriage licenses don’t make a marriage; the couple makes a marriage. If they said they were married, then they were married, even if there isn’t any documentation.
I also sort of get the suspicion that this isn’t what your friend is actually upset about. This sounds to me like there was some other sort of trouble brewing, and this minor issue is just the last straw that pushed her over the edge.
I think dracoi nailed it. She went into this relationship thinking he was eligible husband material. But, in reality, he was a guy with commitment issues. Big difference come down to it. Perhaps she’s been in a relationship with a commitmentphobe before and isn’t interested in doing that dance again. Fair ball.
Lie is a strong word. Though she’s certainly been misled.
(Currently living common law {31 yrs}, in a country which both recognizes common law marriages AND offers women completely equal legal protection. Inheritance, alimony, child support, death benefit, pension, etc.)
It’s an uncommon situation, if you ask me. I understand (not approve) a married guy telling a woman he’s single and she getting mad about it when she finds out he lied to her to string her along. But getting mad about a currently single guy “lying” by saying he used to be married but isn’t anymore…
Sounds like Marcia wants the guy she dated in high school. Neither of them is in high school anymore.
I’m not playing he wasn’t committed to her or their relationship, just that he didn’t fiollow through by walking down the aisle. And for a LOT of women that part is very important.
This. It wouldn’t bother me a bit. I wouldn’t consider it to be a “lie” at all.
(I know a gay couple who were “married” before they could legally become married. They used the word “married” and the words “husband” and “husbands.” It wasn’t legally true, but their intent was obvious and sincere.)
Getting all steamed about being “lied to” here is an indication of some other underlying emotional issue, because it’s way out of proportion as described.
