Would this weird you out? *Spouse unsure of your burial place

In My Humble Opinion
1

A couple years ago I had an asthma attack so bad I was blue and not visibly breathing for minutes, I was taken to a hospital and injected with epinephrine and revived and started breathing etc. I survived is what I’m saying, in case you were on the edge of your seat :slight_smile:

Anyway talking about it recently my wife said she was not only in disbelief because she had lost her mother in the last five years which devastated her and made her think this was surreal to lose a young husband, but she was worried about funeral arrangements. I’m from the US and live with her in Trinidad, and she was like she was worried like she would not know what to do would my body gave to be shipped back to the USA and she would never see me or would she be harassed why I died here.

:dubious:

I’m like you’re my wife and NEXT OF KIN so I’d assume I’d be buried or cremated here, in the event that I did die. I mean who the hell else would want me buried in the US away from my wife and son, my mom?!

She was just like she didn’t know and was afraid like the US embassy would take over or something and leave her powerless, which made me go what?! I’m pretty sure embassies don’t give rat asses about dead people.

The whole thing was just strange with me thinking she had way more power than she thought she had. And I was like obviously I want to be buried or cremated where my wife and son can access easily, and fuck whatever my mom or an embassy think.

I just found it bizarre.

2

Dude! You wasted your shot at being the first zombie poster!

They do, actually, but in the form of assistance with repatriation of the corpse. You live abroad and want to be buried where you live, but often people who die while being abroad temporarily get shipped back home for burial. My own instructions to my family are that, since the family grave is paid for, if I die in the country I’d rather be buried with the gang and if not donate the body to science.

3

I thought this thread was going to be about asking someone where their spouse was buried and them giving you a shrug and an I don’t know. That would be wierd.

Being worried about not being able to figure out how to navigate getting back the dead body of a family member from a foreign country (that you’re not yourself a citizen of, even? Don’t know if that applies to your wife, but it seems likely)? Not wierd. Dealing with customs and immigration is stressful enough when you’re alive!

4

Here’s the statement that’s a dead giveaway to the cause of the issue you have with your wife:

“I’m like you’re my wife and NEXT OF KIN so I’d assume I’d be buried or cremated here, in the event that I did die.”

Instead of making general assumptions after the fact, you may wish to try communication beforehand.

5

She’s right, though. In the event of a “grude’s corpse” hostage crisis, Washington will refuse to negotiate. We’re talking a major international incident, and possibly boots on the ground in Trinidad for the first time since the Crab and Callaloo trade wars of the late 1970s. At the very least, arms funneled to Tobagan rebel groups. It’s going to be long and bloody, and I’m not sure the American people have the stomach for it, but what choice do we have? The world’s policeman can’t just sit around eating donuts.

6

Woods somewhere, I dunno. I wasn’t looking at a map or anything.

7

They sent my uncle’s body to the wrong cemetery … I suppose if there had been a hole already dug it could have gotten odd. :dubious:

[On the plus side, about 10 years ago my parents came to torment us for Christmas and I remembered the name of the cemetery where he had been planted [bitch second wife refused to send him back home to get planted in the family plot.] and we found it on the map and took my parents there on the way to brunch. [We are from western NY, my uncle and his second wife lived in Westport CT.] My dad was absolutely thrilled to be able to visit the grave after over 25 years. I have absolutely no idea why it never occurred to him to visit it on one of their trips to CT to visit mrAru and I. I do find it depressing that we seem to be the only people actually visiting his grave a couple times every year though. We seem to be the only people bringing flowers and planting stuff. :mad:

8

It sounds like it’s time for both of you to sit down and plan what you want. Burial or cremation, ashes kept in an urn, scattered, or buried, and other arrangements. It will make it easier on each of you when one of you dies.

I wouldn’t call it weird or bizarre at all; it just sounds like you haven’t discussed it.

9

This is part of the reason that having a will is so important. What happens after you die is not something which should be “guessed” at; you should already have a plan as to what will occur. That way, your loved ones aren’t under even greater levels of stress trying to figure out what you want them to do as the decisions have already been made.

Contact an attorney ASAP and get a will drawn up before anything does occur. While some people believe that doing as such will somehow “hasten” their demise, it almost certainly won’t. Also the peace of mind that it provides allows most people to worry about things which are more important to their daily I have found.

10

That’s for sure! A friend of mine passed away recently. He had a will…but he’d never actually signed it! He went to a lawyer and had it all prepared…then put it in a box and just forgot about it.

He wanted to be buried in a lot next to his mother. Instead, because he was intestate, the county is going to cremate him and scatter the ashes at sea.

The paperwork is vital. There are laws and bureaucracies and regulations and things. This won’t all just work itself out.

11

The stronger your feelings are about what should happen after you die, the more important it is that you communicate them before you die.

A friend of mine in her twenties went to some Latin American country for a week or so last summer, and on the paperwork she filled out before going, she had to provide the name of a funeral home here in the U.S. to which her body should be sent if she died while on the mission trip. So she called one or both parents and asked, and they named the closest funeral home to their house. She went on her trip, had fun, returned safely. As do most people filling out that kind of paperwork, I assume.

12

It wouldn’t weird ME out if my husband was unsure of what to do with my body. I am supremely indifferent and my only strong feeling is that no one should pay a lot of money for disposal.

Since I have such little feeling for corpses (I never visit my beloved brother’s grave), should my husband predecease me (unfortunately likely given the two heart attacks he’s had) I will happily be led by his parents and sister in funeral arrangements which will probably lead to his body being buried on a far away Indian reservation.

13

Yep, this is why we have burial (well, ash-dispersal-location) clauses in our wills. Whoever goes first gets their chosen spot, other person joins them. In case of a tie :(, the wife wins

14

This site needs a “like” button for posts like this one! Ha!

15

So wait. They temporarily ship me home for burial, and then …?

16

Generally speaking, the younger the person, the more likely it is that he will be buried with his original family. That is the case even with married people. Why? First, the parent/child bond is often stronger than the marital bond, until many years into the marriage. It’s not uncommon for newlyweds to still refer to their original nuclear family as their “family” and “home” as the place they grew up. And most people, including me, would have freely chosen to be buried in the place I grew up vs. wherever I was when I died, just because it was where my spouse was, esp if it was a strange place.

But a more practical reason is because, although it’s unspoken, everyone realizes (and hopes) that before long, your young widow/er would have moved on to a new love and a new life. She’d have never completely forgotten you, of course, but once a new love enters the picture, the former fades into the background, by necessity. That’s the way romantic love works.

Parental love is completely different. Our parents will grieve us til the day they die. I know many parents who lost children, and 25, 30, 40 years later, and they still grieve that child. So to answer your rather flippant question, as to who will want you buried in the US…your Mom? OF COURSE your Mom.

So, no, I don’t think your wife’s confusion was weird. I think it’s overly romantic to assume she’d want you near her instead of “your family.”

Hell, after 25 years of marriage, I’ve finally reached the point where I’d feel comfortable buying a marital gravesite, because assuming I died tomorrow, I’m confident he’d choose to be buried next to me instead of his second wife (God rot her black soul.) <–I kid.